My Journal -- December 2007

December 1, 2007

When I got up at seven, I immediately held the broomsticks and swept at the frontyard.

Nine, after washing the dishes, I went to Bulasu. Ate Quennie and I talked about many things. That would be our last conversation, since I’m going to leave tomorrow.

Then, at 10:30, I went to fishpond. I helped Kuya Tantan in cooking dinuguan. I dined there, too.

One-thirty, I left at the fishpond. Next, I watched tv. I also thought how I could have money for fare tomorrow. I was thinking for the right approach to Papay Benson.

Before 4 PM, I helped him keep the palay. I did carryings. I showed him that I deserve a reward.

Four, he directed me to buy viand. He handed me the P200 bill. I left quickly, but I first dropped by at Homo’s ID Shop. Sharon and Myles were there. After I confirmed to them my departure, I left them.

Past five, I was preparing our dinner.

Six-thirty, I went to Bulasu. There, I used Ate Quennie’s cp and texted Ate Levi. I told her to tell Ate Ningning that I wanted her to help Mj find a job there in Dubai. Though there’s no reply, I knew they’ve read it.

I left Bulasu at 7 PM with two blouses given by Ate Quennie for Hanna.

Eight-thirty, while preparing my stuffs, Papay Benson called me. I was surprised when he gave me P1200. I was so glad. I thanked him. I thanked God.

December 2, 2007

                I got up at 4 PM when I feel that Aileen was awake. I prepared my self.

Four-thirty, we left Bulan.

I was still sleepy, but I couldn’t sleep anymore due to my positon. Thus, I preferred to sight-see.

Meann Gloriane texted me at 4:30 PM. She was shocked to know that I have just left Bulan. She then told me to go back on January, so that we will have an outing.

Five-thirty AM, we’re already at Kuya Jape’s company. He decided to take me to Bodino because of the glutinous rice. We arrived there at six. Kuya Junior was there.

I phoned on Mama. After few minutes, she promised that she (with Lola Alice) will fetch the rice in Bodino tomorrow, since they’re going to be there.

Then, I talked to Hanna and Mj over the cellphone. The latter couldn’t believe that I would be on their house in few hours.

Seven, I left Bodino. I was so excited to see, kiss, hug, and cuddle up my children. Thus, every moment I spent in the jeep seemed so long.

Eight when I arrived. Everybody seemed not startled on my arrival, except for Hanna. She embraced me tightly. So I did. I also kissed my children many times.

December 3, 2007

                Nine, Hanna and I left Rancho, Mj wanted to come with us. Good thing is she did not insist. I just got disappointed that she was still undecided to find a job. It’s because when I asked her if she already applied in Super Palengke, she replied, “Walang mag-aalaga kina Zildjian, e.” I could see that she’s not indeed willing to sacrifice. Thus, I have complied with her question about my when will I am going back to Bulan (December 12).

                Ten when we arrived in Bautista. Jano and Gie were there. The former has asthma. Later, he directed me to buy foods for our lunch.

                Taiwan arrived at 4:30. Later, they have learned about my cp. I told them that I bought that with my fishing income. Haay! I have to tell a lie just to avoid envy and jealousy.

                Mama arrived at 7.

                Mj texted at 9:45. She regarded Hanna. We also talked about the upcoming Christening of Zildjian.

December 4, 2007

                We all get up at 6 AM, despite of cold air that embraces us. Later, Mj texted me, asking if she could fetch Hanna, so that she would be bought address for Christmas. I also asked her about the plans for baptismal. She said that Tatay will only cook three dishes and make buko salad, too.  I did not permit her to come here.

                After lunch, Hanna and I sleep. We’re just disturbed by Taiwan’s arrival at 4:30 PM.

                Five-thirty, Eva Guray and I were exchanging text messages. We tackled about the agency she’s into. I was interested to know more about it, so I gathered some info such as address, number, and job vacancies. Later, I texted Mj and told her about it. She’s not that interested.

December 5, 2007

                Jano gave me P200 for our budget. He’s going out of town. Gie will be back on Friday. I thanked God for two reasons. First is for the money. Second is for the easiness I would feel due to their absences.

                Mj texted me. She told me about the problem she encountered in registering Zildjian in the list of the babies to be baptized on December 8 at Immaculate Concepcion of Good Voyage and Pilgrimage.            

                She texted again, telling me that Nanay was fixing it. Zildjian’s Christening must not be postponed.

                Good thing is Hanna has fallen asleep. Our trip to Bayan was postponed when Mj told me that she would go to Bautista tomorrow.

                Hanna was looking for Mj. I couldn’t do a way to divert her attention. In fact, she’s crying before she fell asleep.

                I pity Mama. She’s now penniless.

                She needed financial help. Her medication and desire of wellness require money—lots of money. If only I have told Papay Benson that Mama wanted to have an additional P10000 pawn of our property. But, I did not even open it up to Papay Benson. It is because I’ve learned that Tito Zaldo has been there before I arrived and asked for financial help. Plus, income from fishing boats became scanty, not to mention his expenses due to Auntie Belen’s presence.

I wanted to help Mama, however I, myself, am still unemployed. In this regards, I decided to find a job here in the metro. In lieu of staying in Bulan, I would rather look for a job here

Situation is getting harder now. Jano is now facing with great expenditures. His wife is about to give birth. They need help, too. I could not even pay Gie for our debt of P20000. It was when Zj was born. I knew she’s still hoping for a payment. In fact, she’s implying already. She’s nagpaparinig.

December 6, 2007

                I fried eggs for breakfast. Later, I did kitchen works. I followed Taiwan’s command of washing his shorts and sando. It’s because of pity. He has no time for this anymore. 

                Past ten, Mj texted me, saying a good news. Zildjian’s baptismal on December 6 is not postponed. Nanay has made it possible. Thus, I went to Tito Boy’s house. Roy was not there. I talked to Mahel instead, telling her that her husband is Zildjian’s godfather. She happily accepted it, promising to tell Roy about it. Then, I went downhill and talked to Tintin. She knew it already. I just did a confirmation. She accepted it merrily.

                Past eleven, Hanna and I left Bautista. We arrived in Rancho at 1:30 PM. Immediately, Mj showed me Hanna’s dress and shoes, which she bought for her. Later, we talked about the menus to be served on December 8. She told me that the budget is now only P2000. Tito Jay sent her one lapad.

                I was worrying that the handa might fall short. She didn’t even think of souvenirs. Plus, balloons and cake were crossed out. I however understand her. She has to buy milks, diapers, and pamaskong damit for our kids. Thus, I decided to buy souvenirs to be given only for the godparents. For this, our lackings and occasion flaws would be forgotten.

                Past four, I went to Bayan. There, I searched for cheap novelty items. I visited lots of stores. However, I ended up in purchasing big mugs. Godparents will like it.

                When I was home at seven, Mj said, “May pera ka pala, e.” I replied, “Yun ngang two hundred, na pinakita ko sa’yo.” The truth is I have P1000. I just did not want her to know about it because I was planning to find a job. Looking for one needs sum of money.

               

December 7, 2007

                I woke up with a smile on my face. I played with my kids. I took pictures of them. I enjoyed their presences, however after lunch, irritation started to ruin my day. This disturbance was due to certain reasons. First, the entire house was too noisy. Second, I have learned that it was Neiczel, who hit Hanna’s left eyebrow with metallic thing. Third, I saw her hitting my daughter with hard sandal. And fourth, my kids become tantrumic.

                Walking outside has been my last resort because I didn’t want to act wild in their home. Although I did not know whom to get mad with. I knew my feelings. I am sure I have reasons for these.

                Nanay tried to ask, “Bakit?” when I told her that I was going home. I just replied, “May sasabihin po ako kay Mama.“ It’s true. I did that when I arrived.

                Evening, I texted Eva and asked her about her interview. She’s waiting for the result, she said. Then I sincerely promised her that I would pray for her success. I did it before I sleep.

December 8, 2007

It was 7 AM when I got up. Minutes later, I prepared our breakfast. I also talked to Mama while we’re having our meals. Another minutes later, I was preparing myself to leave.

                 I was taking a bath when I told Mama about my plan of residing in Bulan permanently and making bonsai trees as our source of income. Mama agreed. She also added that it’s better if we could bring Hanna with us.

                Nine, Flor has confirmed to Roy and Tintin that they’re not capable to attend Zildjian’s Christening this 11 AM. Roy was about to travel to Laguna for a reason, while Tintin was affected to Roy’s reason. She has no money for fare. Thus, I was forced to spend Flor’s fare (back and forth). I have to do this, so that Elizagas’ side has a representative, since Mama is not able to join.                        

                Ten, I was already in Bayan.

                Past ten, I was in an imaging studio to have prints of Zildjian’s Christening souvenir tags. However, problem arose. So, I have to postpone it. I immediately rushed to the church because it’s almost eleven o’clock.

                My arrival at the church was contemporary to their arrival—Michael, Meann, Flor, Mj and the kids. I did not ask why Roan, Mj’s classmate and Zj’s godmother wasn’t present. I knew she couldn’t join. Good thing, Meann was there to proxy her.

                The baptismal took place at 11:30. Babies to be christened were numerous. The isolated chapel for christening was crowded. Heat was terrible. In fact, Zj was tantrumic. He’s crying. Our sweats were all over. Good thing, it was one fast. But, before it ends, Flor has accidentally burnt woman’s hair. It’s funny. We all laughed after the baptismal.

                Past twelve, were home. There, we have no special guests arrived, but it did not sadden me. I was indeed thankful that they couldn’t seem my celebration flaws. They’re still Zildjian’s godparents. In fact, it was confirmed by Tintin and Roy on their text messages. “Babawi na lang kami,” they said.

                Past 1:30 PM, Taiwan arrived. After eating, he handed down P200 to Zj as pakimkim. Later, we left to Bayan. We dropped by at Kris 100, where Jenny was working. Few minutes later, we parted ways. She went back home. I went to Deps Imaging Studio.

                It was past 3 when the printing was done. I have spent P80 for the 32 wallet size pictures. I was not that satisfied to the result. But, I was glad to have the photographs of my kids. They’re so cute.

                Before going home, I passed a bio-data of mine at Kris 100. They’re looking for a male helper. A clerk, who accepted my bio-data said, “Tatawagan ka na lang.” I knew she’s not the HR personnel. Thus, I was hoping for a call.

                I also bought milk and diapers for Zildjian. The money I used was his pakimkim he received.

                Past five when I got home. Later I made or personalized the souvenirs using the edited pictures of Zildjian. The result? So-so. But, I knew Tintin and Roy would be happy to have one.

                At six, Mj and I were eating. It was after I told her that I was going home. I also confided to her about the reasons of walking out yesterday. And, while preparing my stuffs, she tried to stop me from going home. I failed her.

                We also disagreed upon the temporary custody for Hanna. I told her that Mama and I wanted to bring Hanna with us to Bulan, so that the latter would be separated with being harmed by her cousin and so that Mj would be having more time to look for employment. However, Mj wanted to personally take care of our kids. Her reason annoyed me. She also implied that working abroad is impossible

because according to her, her relatives won’t help her.

                The truth that Nanay has favorite, saddened and annoyed me. Mj related that the former uttered unfair words against Hanna, when my daughter hurts Nieczel through pagkalmot sa mukha. My mother-in-law did not condemn Neiczel, when the latter made a scar—a deep scar to my daughter’s brow. She indeed hates Hanna.

                I pity Mj. She could not do nothing. She has no voice at their house.

                While waiting for a tricycle, sadness and disappointment filled my heart and mind. Ideas started to ruin my sanity. I wanted to cry. I wanted to make a final decision. However, when I was on the trike, understanding side of my heart worked. I could now understand Mj.

                Mj loves our kids so much. She could not live without them. Thus, I must take any one of them away from her. She has no voice in their house because she’s not earning. She’s also dependent.

                Although her only mistake is not doing any sacrifice, is till salute her for an unconditional love for Hanna and Zildjian.  I just hope she will safeguard my daughter from harm and humiliation.

                And, since I was planning to settle in Bulan, I could not do any business there with Hanna. So, I indeed can’t bring her to Bulan with me and Mama. I then decided to write a long letter of explanation for Mj.

                Before eight, I was home. Mama, Flor, and Gie were disturbed due to my arrival. I told them that my in-laws’ house was crowded and noisy that it would make me sleepless. But, the truth is I have a problem. I would talk to Mama about it tomorrow.

                Immediately, I organized the newly-printed pictures to our photo-album and to Zildjian’s baby book.

                I lied down at 10:30 PM and uttered a prayer to God. I thanked Him for the success of the christening.

December 9, 2007

                Seven AM, when I got up. Minutes later I was preparing the dirty clothes of mine and Hanna. After breakfast, I was starting. But before that, I opened up to Mama. I told her about what I was thinking. Unfortunately, we couldn’t talk about it loudly because I have to keep it secret to Gie and Flor, who might overhear our conversation. Good thing, the two left somewhere else. Thus, we have had a chance to talk freely. I told her to help me have a house in Polot or to help me tell Papay Benson to roof our roofless house. I wanted to stay there and do business there with Mama, Zj, and Hanna. My life would be satisfying if it will be realized.

                I used would because I knew it would happen.

                While doing laundry, I was texting. I was replying to my friends’ text messages, after I sent them quotes. One of them is Irene Dreu. I have learned that she was working in Bulan now. But, she did not tell me where. Another one was Sierra. She’s Padi Glenn’s gf and Rean’s sister. I have learned from her about her sister’s determination in processing papers just to have a work in Taiwan. (Rean is in Taiwan now.) I also kid her that I still have a crush on her sister and that I was asking her to bridge us.

                I also washed some of the curtains and blankets. Past one when I stopped. I soaked two curtains. Then, I faced Zildjian’s baby book. Next, I started rewriting

‘Pahilis’, since I already have a notebook. If only I have a personal computer.

                Two-thirty, I quit and lie down to catch sleep, but I failed to.

                Mama left to Sauyo. Minutes later, I felt sad.           

                I got up at 4:30. Then, I took in merienda.

                Four-thirty-eight, while I was rewriting, Mj texted me. She said, “Elow! Jan pa ba c Mama u? Kelan u pinta d2” Dalhin u things ni Hnna ah…” I did not reply, though I have load. She texted me again after one hour and few minutes, asking again when I will visit them. I did not reply.

                Sheryl Guelas texted me later. It was past five-thirty. She asked why they can’t contact me last October. They get together in Tagaytay. I told her that I was nanghihinayang, but the truth is I was not. I really couldn’t afford to join them, even they have contacted me, because it was the time when I was so down.

                Past six, Myles texted me. Sharon joined, too, in our conversation, that leads to biruan. Alas! I was out of load and battery charge. The electric power was off at seven.

                We sleep early.

December 10, 2007

                It was eight when I got up. I did not know what to do, hence after having coffee and bread, I pursued rewriting

                Eleven, I cooked our lunch.

                Past one, while watching tv, Ate Quennie texted me. It was our first text conversation. And, it was good news. Thus, I have to do this:

Ate Quennie: “Helo, nagkausap kmi ni kikay. Asked nya ano dw ang skill ni mj. Pdala u dw passport ni mj s knya. She’s wilng 2 help. Ano daw gus2 nyang trabaho?”

Me: “Helo. D lng cia mrunong mglu2. Gsto nia ang parang caregiver. Slamat kamo. Cge, ippdla nmin passport nia… asap!”

Ate Quennie: “”Gus2 nya ba mag asst teacher? Txt u lng kn kikay.”

Me: “Khit anong job. Factory worker, pwd rin. College level nman cia, e.”

Ate Quennie: “Pg d ngreply now c kikay text u uit sya sfriday. Day off nia un.”

Me: “Cge. Aq n magttxt ky Ate Ning2. Wla kc d2 c Mj. Punthan q p o ittext q p cia now. Cge. Salamat. Bka ito n ang hinihintay nmin.”

                Our text conversation continued. We took the opportunity to share words of God, wisdom and encouragement, especially her to me. She advised me.

                Mj replied to my text at 3:30. It was after I have sent my last text message for Ate Quennie. She’s now, as if ready to work abroad, accepting the job as assistant teacher, but we have a financial problem. She needs to spend P15000 for her passport. I did not promise her. I just told her that I would tell it to Mama, who has always been our saviour in most of our needs and in crisis.

                Before I sleep, I prayed to God. I asked Him to bless Ate Ningning. I also thanked Him for the opportunity that knocked our doors.

               

December 11, 2007

                I woke up at 7 AM. Then, I immediately fried the leftover rice. Past 8:30, I went to Meralco-Masinag, as I was directed by Gie to pay our electric bill. After paying, I phoned on Mama. But, we never had a conversation. According to Lola Alice, she’s out for her eye checkup. Alas! I could not know if Lola Alice wanted me to hire as helper in their market store.

                I was home at past 10:30. Later I was cooking our lunch.

                Then, I write and watch tv. Then, write again.

                I was missing my kids. I, in fact, always find myself browsing my cellphone’s gallery and indulging to the sights of my children’s pictures. It actually was an ephemeral happiness. I was still craving to see them.

                Eleven PM, I turned off the tv set and talked to God. I asked Him for a source of income. I wanted to have a merry Christmas with my son and daughter. I wanted to buy them gifts.

December 12, 2007

                Eight, when I rose totally up. I was actually awakened by Flor’s noises of preparations to school. I just stayed on my higaan--- thinking.

                Right after I washed the dishes, I started rewriting. I just stopped when I cooked viand. But, I pursued it after lunch.

                One PM, Mj texted. She said, “Oi, my pera ba u? Wla n mlk ang kids e. Wla me mhingan d2 e, pra n nmn pulubi ang kds. Wla p b c Mama u?” I pity them. It hurts me to know that they’re in need.

                I still have P500, but I was saving this for Christmas. What shall I do?

                Hours later, I decided to stay here and wait for Mama…

                I pursued writing till dinner time.

                I prayed to God. I asked Him to bless Mj financially. And, I asked Him to provide my kids’ needs. I thanked Him, too.

December 13, 2007

                I got up at 8:00. Minutes later, since I have nothing to do, I faced my sulatin. I pursued rewriting.

                Quarter to nine, Mj sent this text essage: “Oi, wla b tlga u money? Wla n tlga mlk kds. Wla na mn me mhingan d2. Mgprmdm k nmn!!” I felt sad. I pity my kids.

                Past 10:30, I left to Bayan. I first dropped the Christmas card for Myles at the post office. Then, I walked through Rancho. It was past 11:30.

                There, I just watched tv. I also took care of Zildjian and Hanna. I enjoyed taking pictures of them.

                Past 5, I told Mj to clean and dress up Hanna, so that we could leave to Bautista. She was at first startled. I was not joking, I said. So, she did. However, she told me that she’s going to fetch Hanna tomorrow. She’s not kidding me. Thus, I disagreed. She has irked me. I explained to her that it’s impractical to spend P60 for fare just to be with our daughter. She continued. She was afraid that I will bring Hanna to Bulan.

                Hanna was crying. She wanted to go with me, but her crazy mother started to undress her. I put on her dress back. Then, Mj slapped my face. I reiterated, but it was not that hard.

                Before we left, she confirmed that she’ll be in Bautista tomorrow. Fine! I told myself. If that will so, I have a reason to split with her. She’s so irritating. She has no open mind. I just wanted to help her alleviate her burden. She’s texting me about milklessnes of my kids, but then she still opted to be with them even I was claiming the expenses for Hanna’s needs.

                Past 5:30, we left that irksome house.

                In Gate 2, I brought Hanna at Jollibee. I pity her when she’s pointing inside.

She wanted to dine in. Sad thing, I couldn’t afford to. Thus, I told her to pose near Jollibee statue. It gladdened me when she embraced it. Click! I have taken a pic! It would be a remembrance, if the breakup becomes final.

                Before riding on a jeep, I bought my daughter an apple, a bubble toy, and peanuts. With these I could see her happy. Her happiness is my happiness, too. It also helped me forget what had happened a while ago between me and Mj.

                Past nine, Norman texted me, asking my whereabout. I replied. Then, I found myself confiding with him about what I was going through. I was also borrowing a sum of money from him. Unfortunately, he has no work already. He couldn’t lend me. Besides, he’s now in Olongapo.

                I slept at past 10. But before I closed my eyes, I asked God for pardon. He knew that I have a mistake, too. Then, I asked Him for a sign. If Mj would arrive tomorrow to get Hanna back, it means I have to pursue my plan of leaving them.

December 14, 2007

                Seven, I woke up. Minutes later, I cooked arroz caldo for breakfast. It was after I washed the dishes. Then, I played with Hanna. I made bubbles. She had fun touching the bubbles. I made big ones, too. We both have fun. We enjoyed it. Then, I took photos of her. She posed beside the can of Lactum 1+ milk, which was made into a pot. She said, “Gatas ko.”

                Eleven, I cooked chicken adobo slashed fried chicken. It was burnt. I forgot it in a high flame due to tv-watching. Good thing is it’s still yummy.

                But, before I forgot…

Past 10, a text message has sent to me. It says, “Hi dis is Noey of One Globat Contact Center, inviting u 4 a call center agent interview 2mrw 9AM@ 17f Orient Square Bldg. Emerald Ave. Ortigas. Call 8675117 or text Noey+ur fullname to confirm. Thx!” I replied immediately, saying “Ok” and asking how he did know that I want to be an agent. He answered back, “PESO Antipolo Job Fair.” It was the last application I made before I left to Bulan. Then, I finally say, “I’ll be there tomorrow.” I thanked him, too.

Aha! It was the meaning of my dreams last night. My dreams were all about tae. One of my dreams or my first dream was that… I was cleansing the glutinous rice. Later, I have noticed that it was full of pig’s shit, so I rinsed it well until the rice was wasted off. Next, I was trying to excrete my bowel, but it was too hard to do so instantly, maybe because the toilet has no walls. It was eccentrically built.

Those were my dreams that I tried to relate on this invitation. I also remember the man, who misscalled me and called over the phone, when I was in Bulan. They or he’s considering my qualifications. He would not call or text if I’m not qualified call ceter agent.

I hoped and thanked God about it. I knew it is good news.

When Taiwan arrived, I told him about it. His story about his sister-in-law was discouraging. Yet, I was still determined to meet the interviewer tomorrow.

Jano arrived from out-of-town delivery. I did not tell him yet about it.

December 15, 2007

                Past one AM, I was disturbed by an itchy worm. I didn’t know how it entered our mosquito net. Thus, I have had a hard time recatching sleep. In lieu, I uttered a prayer again. I thanked God about the call center opportunity.

                Five, I was awakened by the alarm clock, I set. Jano got up, too. He has

learned that I was going with him till Crossings.

                Hanna woke up. So, I have to let her sleep again, but she did not, till we left at 5:30. I have to give her my coin purse, with two P0.25 in it. She stopped crying.

                Seven, I was already in Ortigas. Then, I looked for the Orient Square Bldg. Wow! Ortigas is indeed a social place. Call center agents were so classy. They’re poshly dressed and accessorized. I pity myself, but I walked confidently between them.

                I have immediately seen the condominium, but I was too early to enter. Thus, I bought some food for breakfast.

                Next thing happened was waiting. I waited till 8:30. Then I entered the building. Wow! It’s too elegant there. I have to ride in elevator till the 17^th floor. It was not my first time, but it was the first time in that cozy place.

                I arrived early at One Global Contact Service, Inc. There, I talked a little to my co-interviewee. I took away my nervousness.

                Waiting… Filling out of application form…

                Then, the interview took place at past 10. The result came out after 10-15 minutes. It saddened me much. I left the place very sadly, while I was thinking my mistakes.

                On the jeep, I re-read the letter:

Mr. Froilan Elizaga:

                GREETINGS!

                We appreciate your interest in applying for the position, call center agent 1 (CCA). We have velaidtaed your credentials and fund it to be sufficient enough to support your application.

                Unfortunately, we are sorry to inform you that we have found another applicant more suitable to the needs and interest of the company, but we will keep your records on file for future reference.

                We wish you good luck in your upcoming endeavors.

Sincerely,

OGCC- Selection Team

                Then, I generalized my mistakes. First, when I was asked what time I would prefer: morning or night, I said, “Morning because it’s the common working time.” I just wanted to be true to myself. Second, I couldn’t express myself when I asked, “If you’re an emotion, what would you be?” I said, “Hapiness because it’s so nice to be happy.” I knew it’s not the right answer. The truth is I was startled to hear that question. I never expect it would be asked. And, I haven’t prepared a resume. They gave me time to prepare, but I never did. I seven applicants, only two were not hired. One was me and the other one was the walk-in applicant, who also has no resume.

                Alas! I was blaming myself for being careless and overly confident.

                Jano texted me, asking about it. I replied him with a lie. I said, I have still to wait for the result. I was so ashamed to tell him the truth, since he gave me P50 for this.

                I was home at 1:30. According to Flor, my daughter has been nice. She never cried.

                Mj texted me at 5 PM, saying “Hows Hanna? Nklmutan u toothbrush nya. Sori nga pala.” I wanted to reply that I already bought one, but I preferred not to respond.

December 16, 2007

                When I got up at seven, I immediately cooked fried rice for breakfast. And, while eating, I realized the true meaning of my last last night’s dreams. Since the first dream tells about the washing out of poo or pig’s shit and the other tells about postponement or delay, the two signifies disappointment, failure or frustration. It means the call center job is indeed not for me.

                Past eight, Mj texted me. She asked Hanna’s welfare and if I was brushing the latter’s teeth. I replied. She wanted to come here. I did not disagree. I just told her to stay home if she has no money.

                She did not arrive at the afternoon.

                Hanna and I fell asleep. My sleep was disturbed by Joy’s arrival. After half hour, Jano arrived. It was when I got up. Later, Chrizalde came in. I tried to feel at ease.

                I was expecting for Mama. She must arrive tonight, as she told me.

                The inuman happened. I was invited by Chriz and Roy, but I did not join. I have to take care of Hanna, who was playing with Sandara. I heard she’s maldita. Yet, I was wrong. Hey liked each other pala.

                It was too nisy. I can’t sleep. It was past twelve when the light was turned off.

December 17, 2007

                Six, my eyes were already wide-open. I tried to sleep back, but noises started to cram my eardrums. At seven, I got up. The couple was preparing breakfast. I then unload the drum.

                After breakfast, I didn’t know what to do. Uneasiness began to grow. I waited for Mama, though I knew she’s going to arrive on afternoon, as she told me.

                Mama arrived at past 1:30. Minutes later, the couple left. Then, our mother slightly blamed me by not telling her about Jano’s presence. If she only knew, she would not come. She told me the reason.

                Gie seemingly did not like the presence of Mama because her mother will arrive in just few hours. Thus, Mama decided to go back to Novaliches. She has no place in our house anymore. I felt sad, too.

                With this regards, I also decided to leave. My decision became final when Tia Letty arrived at 4 PM. She was with her granddaughter and a tomboy. They have lots of baggages, which obviously pertained to a long stay.

                Before Hanna and I left to Bayan, I talked to Mama and Chriz. I related them about my interview last Saturday. I told them that I was now waiting for their call.

                It was six when we arrived in Rancho. But before that, we exchanged my gift check at 7Eleven for Alaska and snack foods.

                Mj was startled to our presence.

                Later, I was relating all about me and Hanna. I told her that our daughter is now matipid in diaper and milk. She also believed me that I was indeed penniless. The truth is I still have P200.

                Michelle told Mj that the formers’ hudsband is looking for a helper in his buko business on December 21. The two asked me if I want. “Oo ba”, I said. I would be glad to have a part-time this season.

December 18, 2007

                Seven, I left my parents-in-law’s house. It was after Mj sold my 7Eleven gift check to Michelle for P100. I was glad to know that it was intended for Zj’s milk.

                When I got home, the couple was about to go to clinic. Gie was now experiencing bleeding. Later, Tia Letty and I were conversing. I also conversed with the tomboy, a companion of Tia Letty.

                While Mama was cooking, I related to her about the parttime job possibility. She then advised me to prioritize Mj’ passport when I earn. I considered her suggestion.

                Gie was just laboring. However, the kaguluhan started. It’s for good. It doesn’t matter to me if I couldn’t sleep in the afternoon.

After dinner, Anna, the tomboy and I conversed. We talked about Polot and Jamorawon. We both have common friends there. I found her nice.

Past nine, Jenny Altarejos texted me. After exchange of regards, we talked about working abroad. Bad thing is it was obstructed by poor signal. My mobile phone has no signal. Thus, I opted to sleep.

Past eleven, Jano and Gie leave to the clinic. My sleep was destructed.

December 19, 2007

                Five AM, my sleep was ruined again by high-toned conversation of Mama and Tia Letty. I couldn’t sleep. Thus, after an hour, I got up. Then, I washed my clothes and Hanna’s, despite of the coldness of water.

                Nine, I went to Gate 2. Jano directed me to buy milk and mineral water for Gie’s niece and food for us. I was home after one and a half hour.

                I was so sleepy after lunch. Thus, I set myself to sleep. However, I was requested to go to maternity clinic. So I did. It was past 1. There, Gie was still laboring. I pity her.

                After almost an hour of waiting, I uttered a prayer. “Lord, tulungan Niyo po si Gie. Wag Niyo na po siyang pahirapan.” I couldn’t take if she and her baby get any problem.

                God is indeed great! One minute or two after my prayer, I could hear a baby’s cry. I thanked Him. After 10 or 15 minutes, Jano went out. He announced ‘Courtney Love!” I exclaimed happily, “Babae.” Then, Flor and I entered the room to see the newly-born baby.

                I felt glad for the couple. They passed on a great crisis. Gie has been very strong. She forced herself to give birth normally.

                Past 3, I was home. I immediately buried Courtney’s placenta.

                Later, I remembered Zildjian. He’s the only grandson, both sides. I’m afraid, he becomes gay. I can’t accept that. Mama jokingly told me to make another baby boy. I replied, “Sa iba naman.” She answered, “Kahit kanino basta lalaki uli.”

                Mj texted asking if Gie has already given birth. Sad thing is I have no load to reply.

December 20, 2007

                Again, noisy conversation woke me up at 6:00. Thus, I decided to get up. Later, Mama confided to me her grievances. According to her, Jano asked her when will she leaves. Her reply was “Hindi na ako aalis.” Masipag naman ako, e.” Then, I feel sorry about myself. I already have no place here. I then found myself craving for a

home.

                Past eight, Gie and her baby arrived. Jano immediately cooked pansit as his blowout for his mag-ina. Their arrival reduced my sadness.

                Past one, Tia Letty and Anna Aycardo left to Pasig. Hay, salamat! I exclaimed silently.

                Past two, though I was so sleepy, I left to Gate 2. Jano directed me to do marketing. There, I have had a hard time budgeting the P600 for multifarous items. Good thing is I made it. I have bought all the items on the list. It was five when I got home.

                I texted Mj, asking her if the pagtitinda is not postponed tomorrow. She replied after an hour. According to her, Bernie was not yet there. Thus, I have to wait for her text.

                It must not be postponed. I have to earn. I wanted to go back to Bulan before January, 2008.

December 21, 2007

                From the time I woke up till evening, I felt bored. I did not know what to do and where to go. I was anticipating for good news, but nothing arrived. Mj texted me, saying that Bernie did not go home last night. I did not reply. The truth is I wanted to tell her that I was not hoping anymore. I knew he didn’t feel my presence or company. So do I. Thus, I set my mind not to anticipate for it anymore.

                I was just problemizing today how I could treat my kids, especially Hanna on Christmas day. I wanted her to bring in a carnival, where she can enjoy any ride or sights. I also wanted to give my mag-iina gifts.

Before I sleep, I asked God to bless me financially these seasons, so that I could obtain my goals.

December 22, 2007

                I got up at six. Later, after I took in hot coffee, I dilly-dallied on my higaan. I felt empty. I was anticipating for nothing. Mama has been very eager to know if the pagtitinda ng buko is going to happen still. She’s also waiting for a text.

                Last night, in my boredom, I visited my script, ‘Tinta’. I have already made 61 sequences of it. After I have reread it, I continue writing the 62^nd sequence. I started at 9:30 AM. Bad thing is I have no more pages to be written to. Good thing is I have 3.5 sequences. I just hope my idea will retain intact.

                Since Jano left, I have had a chance to watch tv. I watched my favorite Saturday cooking show, ‘Ka-Toque’. Mama was taking over the cooking and kitchenworks.

                After lunch, I took a nap.

                Jano arrived at 2:30 PM. Later, we started watching dvd’s, since he borrowed a player. I enjoyed watching, especially the ‘Shrek’. I temporarily forgot my anxiety. However, at 8:50, Mj texted me, telling that Bernie did not need my assistance because his father will be the one. It saddened me, although I have accepted it already.

                That was when I worried about my plan of going to bulan. How could I, if I don’t have money?

December 23, 2007

                I woke up at 6:30 and got up at 7:30. Then, I immediately cooked sinangag. Later, I was feeling anxious and bored. I wanted to go to Rancho, but I was saving my money. Besides, I couldn’t afford to be pathetic when I got there.

                After lunch, since I was so bored, Flor and I gambled. We played ‘Tong-its’. Later, Bilog came in. He played with us.

                Six, Mj texted me. She said, “Ei, msta? D u pramdam ah. Kelan u pnta hir? Mj” I have no load to reply. The truth is I didn’t know where I will spend Christmas.

                Flor and I played ‘Tong-its’ from six to ten. Haay! I just have nothing to do.

December 24, 2007

My sleep was disturbed due to Bebeng and Baby love’s cries. But, the most disturbing cry was the former’s. Good thing is it was already time to wake up. Thus, I got up early.

Immediately, I took in breakfast. Thn, I cooked fried rice for them. I just saved my stomach ache.

Past 9:30, I pity Mama. She was feeling dumped out. Jano didn’t give her stuffs importance. Thus, in my pity, I gathered my stuffs, so as Hanna’s and prepared, as if I was about to leave. I got mad, too, to his attitude. He’s always throwing out the the cluters that have value with me and Mama. I pity myself, too, for being homeless.

In this regards, I craved for a house. I need a house for my things—my valuables. I wanted a house, where Mama could feel at home and would not feel disregarded and unwanted, and where she could move freely.

Then, I waited for water supply truck.

Eleven, a Christmas message or greetings was sent to me by Leonisa. She’s the first one, who greeted me these seasons. Sad thing, I couldn’t reply.

Later, Jano approached me. “Anong plano mo kina Mj? Hindi ko man lang isisimba?” he asked me. I didn’t say any word. Minute later, he added, “Kunin mo, kahit si Hanna lang.” Still, I kept my silence. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Besides, I knew it was just an irony.

One-fifty, Jano and I left to Masinag. He asked my company because he’s going to do Christmas marketing. There, I enjoyed the grocerying and at the same time pitied myself. I was just like an alalay.

In Gate 2, I texted Mj, saying her that I was going to fetch Hanna. She declined because our daughter will mamamasko tomorrow. I did not reply, yet I understand her. Besides, we’re so loaded.

Then, good news was sent to me through text. It was Ate Quennie. She announced that she’s now permanent teacher. I was so glad for her. We text in a few, but enough time to tell how happy I am for her achievement.

It was 4:30 PM when we arrived. Alter, I was texting and sending Christmas greetings to my active and dormant textmates, relatives, and friends. Some replied. Some didn’t. In fact, Kuya Erc invited us to party with them tonight. Plus, Ate Nelia’s told me that she’s now in the country. She promised me a chocolate.

I helped Mama in her kitchenworks. I also prepared the chicken-macaroni salad.

After dinner, they, except Flor, set theirselves to rest. They decided not to welcome the Christmas day. We would have Noche Buena, but I wanted to welcome

it. Thus, Flor and I gambled ‘tong-its’.

I received and sent text messages from and to my friends. Pareng Roy greeted me twice. He said, “Pwede b kming pmunta jan?” I replied, “Pwde. D2 pa nman kmi ni Flor, nagtotong-its, tulog na kc cla.” I really didn’t want them to come, but they do.

Roy and Tito Boy were drunk. I didn’t feel their presences. But, I did not shoo them away. I just didn’t know how to entertain them. We pursue gambling. They, however expect me to wake up Mama and Jano, who were indeed in the deep sleeps.

Later, irksome of mine started to increase. It was when my uncle spoke. He implied that I have been bastos for not waking up Mama or Jano, until they left. Worse thing is he said. “Di ba may pinag-aralan siya? Blah blah…” His bad words against me and my education ignited me to anger. Sad thing is I couldn’t release it because I was being careful not to disturb my family’s sleeps, especially the babies.

December 25, 2007

                My Christmas was ruined by my uncle. My good start, due to the season greetings, I sent and received, has been useless.

                I have never been bastos to them. Yes, I have never been an accommmodating one, but I did not disrespect them. I was indeed the one, who’s disrespected by them.

                Two when our gambling was stopped by me. However, Flor’s room has been locked by Mama. Thus, we have no choice, but to sleep without blanket and pillows. Flor slept on the sofa.

                I thought I could sleep, but the truth is I was sleepless. It’s primarily due to Tito Boy’s disturbance, and secondly, due to the mosquitoes’s disturbances.

                Six, Bebeng cried loudly again. It’s okay. At least, I have taken a nap when Mama got up, too. I related the truth about the incidence. I just wanted to release my anger. Then, I tried to sleep. But, I failed. And, since they’re talking about it, I got up and burst out my pain. Jano showed disagreement. He pushed me ironically to approach Tito Boy. I said, “Pupunta talaga ako. Magkakape lang ako.” However, after I have explicated my right side, he stopped.

                After I took in a hot coffee, my heartbeat became normal again. I went to Tito Boy’s house. Unfortunately, no one was awake. Thus, I waited in the house.

                Before nine, I texted Tito Boy, saying “Merry Christmas 2 ol of u! Ngau n po kau pmunta kc gcing na ang mag-eenetertain s nu. Dpat dn kayong magsori s gnawa at snbi nu s akn. Nsira nu ang Pasko q!”

                No reply till ten.

                I was taking a nap at 12 nn when my mag-iina arrived. I was so glad to see them, though it’s expected.

                Next thing happened, everybody was delighted to see Zildjian. They all exclaimed, “Ang laki ni Zildjian!” It’s true. He’s bigger than his age or Bebeng.

                Then, picture-taking took place. We have had a family picture.

                There was no reply from Tito Boy. We have at 3 PM.

                Jano and Gie’s visitors arrived. Geeh! It’s so noisy and magulo. It’s too irritating. Thus, before 4:30, I told Mj to pack up. She did, but she was nagdadabog. She really wanted to stay overnight. Although, I knew that Tia Letty would leave tonight, I preferred to show my mag-iina away from me because I wanted them to earn or have aguinaldo. I could not provide my children’s milks so far. I was very sad. It was indeed against my will.

                Five-thirty, their guests, including Tia Letty left home. The noise was gone. It was deafening silence after.

                I slept early at past 9.

December 26, 2007

                While I was having my breakfast, Mama was talking to me. She also gave me words of wisdom, that I should live with, such as, “If there I a determination, there is a destination.” I then remember Mj and her pag-aabroad. I promised myself as well that I will have a wonderful destination. I will be determined to find it.

                Nine when I was just starting to catch sleep, Myles sent a text message. That she has just received the Christmas card. I have no load. I couldn’t reply.

                I have a good time napping. It’s maybe because of a cold, rainy weather. I got up at past eleven.

                Four, I took a nap again. Next thing that happened, I was shivering under my blanket. I knew I was sick. Though, I have no cold, I knew it was flu. I have seen its symptoms later. I started to salivate. My head became heavy. Then, I lost my appetite.

                I didn’t know why it happened to me.

December 27, 2007

                My sickness worsened. I couldn’t move much because every time I do, I could feel that I was about to fall. I also felt nausea and vomiting. The worst is I lost my tastebud. Every food I intake tastes bland. I, however, couldn’t eat much. At breakfast, I only ate one bun. My lunch was ¾ cup of rice and one piece of fish. And, my dinner was two buns. Thus, I could feel the fall of my body. I also have lack of sleep.

December 28, 2007

                I have been a bed-ridden for almost two days now. What I feel is as is. I lost weight already. My cheekbones became visible. I felt like I was a paper. Thus, at past 10, I pushed myself to take a bath. I have to do it for goodness’ sake. New year’s day is around the corner. I could not afford to stay on bed, while others are happily celebrating the new year. Besides, I have to see my kids as soon as possible.

                After taking a bath, my sickness lingered still in my body. But, I was thankful to God that it gave me betterment.

                Then, I tried to eat more. Sad thing is every time I eat, I would feel nausea and vomiting. Hence, I have to control myself eating much. I suspect my digestion was in trouble.

                Before 6 PM, Mj texted me. She said, “Elow!” Musta? My skit k rw sbi n Flor.” I couldn’t reply because I was loadless.

                Dinner time. My appetite slowly goes back to normal. However, nausea and vomiting would follow after digesting the food. I also was experiencing lots of pains, such as backache (lower backache), headache, toothache, chest pain, and pain in my pantog, as if I have so lots of urine inside my system. I was afraid I have a kidney problem.

                Though I have been a bed-ridden, I couldn’t sleep. Thought of my kids’

future and Mj’s pag-aabroad stressed me.

December 29, 2007

                Six-thirty, I was already wide-awake. Headache, lower backache, chest pain, pantog pain, and dizziness were lingering in my system. Yet, I still manage to eat. I just took in two cheesed buns and hot coffee because I could feel again nausea and vomiting.

                I was feeling better than yesterday. I just couldn’t help myself staying and lying down in the room. Besides, I did not know what to do outside. Therefore, I opted to loiter my time in that dark room.

                Past two, invited Flor to gamble. So, we did. We end up at past 4:30. I then realized that gambling is what caused my sickness and it’s indeed what it healed me. The truth is I feel even better after our gamble. Besides, my win did, too.

                Five, I took in amoxicillin. I knew I have phlegm. It somehow reduced my chest pain.

                My appetite was slowly coming back, too.

                We’re watching dvds till 12:45 AM. I enjoyed watching. In fact, we have finished 4 movies, from 5 p to the said time. I enjoyed all of the films. But, what interests me much was the ‘Kill Bill’, both 1 and 2.

December 30, 2007

                Though I was sleepless, I still managed to wake up early at 7:30 AM. My chest was aching terribly. Every time I cough, it hurts me. Plus, my pantog was aching, too.

                Eight, I was doing a laundry. I washed first Courtney’s baby dresses before mine. Mama did the rinsing of Courtney’s.

                Then, I took a bath.

                Past 1:30 PM, Myles and I were texting. We talked about her love problem. I gave her advice. I used love quotes I frequently hear. However, she would still continue loving and serving a man, and waiting for a man, who couldn’t even appreciate what she’s doing. I resigned from it at 4:30. But, I knew I have put words of wisdom to her mind. One day, she would practice, what I preached.

                I think it was 6 when we watched Three, an erotic, action film, wherein the three characters were castaways to a far, deserted island. It’s so happened tat I was planning to write a novel about the same incident.

                I have watched the movie ‘Castaway’, wherein there’s only one survivor. And tonight, I have seen ‘Three’. I was starting to gather ideas and collect information about it. However, my novel will not be based on the two movies of course. It will be a unique one. I was considering ‘Two’ or ‘Dalawa’ as a title. We’ll see…

                I slept at 10 PM.

December 31, 2007

                Jano announced that on 8 AM, we would be in Gate 2 to do holiday marketing. I did not disagree, though I did not affirm.

I got up at 7:30 AM.  Past 8 when we left. But before that, they (Jano and Flor) were condemning me and my treatment to Mj. Jano was speaking, as if he knew me very well, as well as my feelings. He wanted me to show sweetness to Mj. He wanted me to visit my family regularly. He wanted me to show to Mj that although I was unemployed, I am still the father of our kids. He wanted me to bring my mag-iina here today.

Of all he said, the last one was what I fancied.

I did not talk while he talked.

He’s right to his wants and likes, but he’s wrong. He didn’t know what I ws doing it. One, I’m penniless. Two, I’m sick. Three, I’m angry with Mj, for she’s showing me any determination to provide a passport. I felt sad when she reasoned out, “Hindi nga makahawak ng pera si Tita Lo,” when I suggested to her the owing of money from her aunt.

If there’s a will, there’s a way…

In Pagal Warehouse, after we bought groceries, Jano gave me P80 for our fare. In Gate 2, I just waited so long for Jano till he’s done marketing. Ten-thirty, I was in my parents-in-law’s house. My mag-iina was about to leave. I waited for a while.

Hanna embraced me too lovingly. She missed me very much indeed. According to Mj, Hanna is always looking for me. She always wanted to go to Bautista. My tears wanted to fall.

Past twelve, we’re in Bautista. Good thing is Mama’s still there. She’s going to Auntie Vangie’s residence.

One-thirty, though I was sleepy, I was cooking haleyang ube. It also made, partly, a chocolate for the rice cake. I have done them within one hour.

Then, I lied down and tried to catch sleep. Bad thing, Zildjian’s so noisy. I couldn’t sleep. After one hour, I took a bath. Then, Mj and I had a chance to converse, while taking merienda. I told her about the lost of my appetite and my chest pain. She also told me about the gathering tomorrow night at Tito Jun’s rssidence. I just did not affirm that I want to go with them.

Since Mama was not present, I took over the kitchenworks.

Evening, my past flashed back. I sighed. It was because I did not know what fate is waiting for me. A year that was has been so miserable to me. Defeats and frustration shower me.

Haay! That’s why I was gloomy tonight. Though, my mag-iina was with me, I still couldn’t sense any success and happiness that await me. However, I will still stand on. God is always with me.