My Journal -- February 2008

February 1, 2008

                I got up before 7 AM. Immediately, I took in my Fixcom 4. Later, I was doing household chores. Dishwashing. Sweeping.

                Before 8:30, I prepared my stuffs. Past 9, I left Bautista. I arrived at my parents-in-law’s house at past 9. I got disappointed to see Hanna. She is so thin now. I pity her. Later, Mj was telling me about the milklessness of our children. I also told her my being penniless, as well as my job application on Monday.

                The condition of our kids saddened me so much. If only I could buy them milk with my P240+ on my wallet and purse, I would. But, I was thinking of my career. It must be prioritized. This state would never end unless I was jobless. The opportunity knocks once, indeed.

                Before lunch I have accepted already that this crisis is God’s gift. He wants me to persevere. He has plan for me. He has made a place for me. All I have to do is work hard to find it.

                I was very sad that we don’t have birthday present for Bebeng tomorrow. It’s such a shame, but we have to attend still. Our kids must have this once-in-a-lifetime- experience. It’s a privilege for them. I hope they are understanding enough.

                Mico and I conversed through text. He asked me ‘How’s your kids and wife?’ I told him that they’re in crisis. He never minded it. He diverted the topic to our meeting. He wanted me to see soon. That was when I told him about my financial burden I was into. Finally, he was offering help. He’s willing to help me. However, I did not take the opportunity to gain. I was in need, but I still have hope. God is great provider. Besides, I’m not a user. I’m just an opportunist.

                Jefferson texted me. He related me his break-up with his textmate. He’s not hurt. He just wanted to tell it to me.

February 2, 2008

                Past 6:30 AM when I woke up. Seven when I got up.

                Eight, Mj and I were preparing already in going to Ever Gotesco. We have to be early because we would fetch Yoshimi and her aunt at KameraWorld in Bayan. Thus, at 9 AM, we left home.

                Past 9, I texted Jenny, who said that they’re about to leave home. So I waited for them to ride. However, no Jenny or shadow of Jenny that arrived, I was very indignant. I texted Taiwan about it. He didn’t reply. Jano texted me already that they saw Mj. Until my irksome ended up in leaving them without notice. I just sent message to Taiwan that I already left his daughter. I wanted him to notify his wife not to leave the house with Yoshimi. It was already 10:30. Mj was so irked, too. “Kung may pera lang ako. Umuwi na ako,” she said.

                Another maddening occurrence happened. The traffic was devastating. It was already 11 and we’re almost got there. Thus, I decided to walk. Mj flowed. We rushed into Ever Gotesco. Fortunately, the party did not start early, but the party goers were already eating. Good thing, we’re reserved with table, chairs, and foods by Jano and Gie.

                Text message from Jenny’s number arrived, asking our where-about. I apologized. 

                The irritating incident was interchanged by happiness, when the show started. I enjoyed the foods. Hanna enjoyed the ice cream, though she was scared of Jollibee mascot. Zildjian has an appetite at that time. He ate rice-chicken, spaghetti, and ice cream. I don’t know about Mj. But. I’m sure, she enjoyed, too.

                After the party at past 12, we roamed around the mall. We went to amusement center. I took pictures of Hanna, Zj, and Mj there. Hanna wanted to play computer.

                Then, we went to an area where token rides are being offered. Zj and Hanna had fun in a Ferrari car race. I took pictures of them, too. There, the two had a nice experience for the first time, especially Zj. It was his first time, too, in a mall.

                We left the mall with smiles in our face. I just felt a little bit of guilt for leaving Yoshimi.

                We’re home before two. Tired, yet happy.

                My stay here in my parents-in-law’s house postpones my writing of my novel. I could not face it because my children are both makulit and malikot. I have to face them. But, in the evening, I could read dictionary. It’s crucial for my novel writing.

February 3, 2008

                Six-thirty I was already wide awake, Mj as well. She then insisted going with me in Bautista. Despite of my disagreement, she still prepared the kids’s stuffs.

                Past 7:45, the car geared toward Boso-Boso. I was very sad because I have no money at all. I knew my kids would be milkless again tomorrow. I just hoped Mama’s padala arrived yesterday. However, Flor said it didn’t arrive. Mama did not send me.

                Minutes after our arrival, I swept the dried leaves off the yard and I also watered Mama’s plants.

                I tried to nap because I was really sleepy, but I failed to catch sleep. I got up when I heard that Jano was starting to cook lunch.

                My mag-iina was fetched by my in-laws at past 2. I was sad because I haven’t given them money like last Sunday. Yet, I was glad for I could have a rest.

                I took a nap later. My head was aching, but it’s just light.

                I pursued writing. In fact, I have finished chapter 2 and started chapter 3. Since Mico was not texting me and I was loadless, I have had enough time to write.

                I knew Mico got mad because I did not text him. If only he knew that I really had no money. As a matter of fact, I was thankful that Jello, his friend, who is working in a real estate company and who will accompany me to his boss for interview supposed to be tomorrow, got injured in playing basketball. It saved me. Mama did not send me money. I have no budget. Jello is willing to help me. Mico thought I was not eager to apply.

February 4, 2008

                I got up at eight. I really wanted to sleep more, but I think of my medicine. I took my medicine later though I would not have breakfast. I wasn’t afraid if it will make me agitate gain. Good thing I did not experience it again maybe because I ate two packs of commercial peanuts.

                No energy to work, I just stayed in the room. I never mind the dirty feeding bottles that need to be washed. Plus, I was wondering why still now Mico did not text me. Today is his day-off. He didn’t send me a quote. It saddened me much.

                Past eleven I did household chores. Later I took lunch, and while waiting for text messages, I pursued writing. That time, Flor left to Novaliches. I might be blessed today.

                Past one I have discovered that I have load. Mico sent me P20 pasaload. But, I couldn’t avail unli20. Thus, I asked for P5 pasalaod to Flor. She made me irate. She promised me a load when she got in Gate 2. It was so annoying. Mico couldn’t wait already. He’s been texting me since past 9.

                Later, I decided to give up my friendship to Mico because I was so ashamed of him. He gave me load, yet I could not reply. He’s helping me, too, but it seemed that I was not interested to the job he’s offering.

                Mama and Flor arrived at past two. That time, Mico gave me another P20 pasaload. Flor gave me P2, too. Thus, I could reply Mico’s messages. We talked about my drama. He’s a true friend, indeed. He accepted me again.

                While cooking, he texted me that Jello’s manager is out-of-town. Thus, my supposed job application tomorrow was postponed. When I have no money, opportunities were there, but when I do have, they would disappear.

                Haist! Is this the sign I asked?

                Taiwan got upset while I was explaining to him about what happened last Saturday. Thus, I stopped talking.

                Mico wanted to help me financially. I did not show any liking. I declined to receive any amount from him because we don’t even see each other yet. Then, we planned to eyeball but it turned out to nothing.

                I sleep at 10:20 after my cellphone got empty.

February 5, 2008

                Courtney's cry was disturbing, as well as. Not to mention my toothache and couple's noises. They made me sleepless. I decided to get up at 5:30. I pursued writing. Later, Mico and I were texting. I think it was seven when we agreed upon our being lovers. I accepted his love for me. Haist! It's crazy, but it's true.

                In the middle of my works, we text-- while I was dishwashing, while I was cooking, and while I was eating, and after lunch.

                He set an eyeball tomorrow at Metropolis Mall. I chose the time, favorable to both of us-- 6 PM. It gave me nervousness, but just to stop the mystery, I have to meet and see him.

                I pursued writing. Afternoon, I was writing. After cooking our dinner, I was writing. It was because Mico was sleeping.

                While cooking, Flor has annoyed me with her bad words. She answered me in pabalang. Mama and I condemned her bad attitude. Then I promised that I won't be too close to her and I will not kid her anymore.

                Padi Glenn texted me, regarding my job application. I told him that it was not realized. Later he related about his eagerness to find his luck in other employer. He wanted to have a career. So do I, I said.

                Mico gave me P20 pasaload again. We texted again. However, when it was 10:30, my battery got empty. I was not able to explain. Thus, I left it unexplained. Good thing is I have told it to him.

                My tooth was aching terribly. I could hardly catch sleep.

February 6, 2008

                When the couple left, I got up and charged my cellphone. Later Mico and I were texting. Our conversation ended up in postponing our eyeball. I was a bit shy kasi of my physical attributes. He might not like me, though he's not looking for it.

                I did not show any eagerness of his financial help. I said, I will think of it first.

                Past 10:30, I cooked our lunch. While cooking, Mico was planning for a meeting today. But, he wanted to have sex with me na and we're going to do it in Sogo Hotel. I declined. I said I did not like the idea of the hotel thingy. We might be shot or we might have scandal video. He got mad, telling me that he was rejected by me. We're about to break up. He just apologized. I explicated to him that I want it to do in the right time and place and that we have to bond first.

                After taking a bath at one o’ clock, we text again. We talked about our meeting tomorrow. We finalized it. However, he texted me gain at around 4. He’s implying for a meeting tonight. I did not know why I second the motion. Thus, our eyeball was moved earlier. I prepared myself and left Bautista at 5.

                It was eight-thirty when we meet at Sogo Hotel-Alabang Branch. I was a bit disappointed by his look and I was a bit shy, especially when I directed him to buy me water, so that I could take the medicine for toothache. (My tooth was aching terribly.)

                I waited thirty minutes before I have eaten my diner. He was looking at me. Later, my toothache was gone. Then I drank beer. He did not drink his, so I took it. The two bottles I have been taken were enough for me to gain confidence.

                Since, I had I already, I asked if he was not disappointed to me. He says, “Hindi, ah!” I believed him.

                After drinking beer, I watched tv. There’s porn there.

                Next thing happened? Whew! I was very sad. I didn’t know what was happening to my penis. Erectile dysfunction.

                He’s so disappointed with me. I could see that.

February 7, 2008

                Past 3:30, he stimulated me until I gave in. However, my effort has been useless and not inducing. He slightly insulted me, saying that I disappointed him. I took my silence and tried to sleep. I didn’t know what to say because I was not sue what happened to me. I also wondered why he acted like that as if it was not his real first time.

                He checked out at 5:30. I stayed. He left me P300 only. It disappointed me. yet thankful I was that somehow he gave me

                At seven am, I checked out the hotel. I rode a bus to Cubao. The sadness, disappointment, and annoyance fill my heart and mind, as I leave. Plus, headache and toothache were devastating me. 

                Mico texted me. I replied that I wanted to end our contact. He said, “Don’t say that…” I run out of load.

                I was home at 9:30. I lied down immediately without conversing with Mama. I had no sleep yet. So I have to catch some.

                I got up at 12 noon. After lunch I took a nap again. It was 4 when I rose up to take merienda. Still, no text messages from Gabrieliasis. I lied down again until 6.

                Past 9 when I took dinner. My tooth is aching. The pain is so excruciating. I tried to sleep just to escape the pain.

                Sleepiness did not visit me till past one. I suffered much from terrible ache.

February 8, 2008

                Arrival of Diyang woke me up. She came for no reason at all. But, Mama immediately confronted her about the prank call of a call center agent, whose voice is someone like Yoyi’s. She strongly denied it. I got up and told the whole story. Mama implied that saying no or denying is easy. But, she’s willing to know the truth and she will condemn the culprits. However, Diyang has been stuck to her denial.

                The next thing happened, our conversation focused on Diyang’s. After that, I was telling her about why no one should downgrade me and my Alma Mater. I related to her my achievements, fulfilments, and compliments I received and gained. But, that time she doesn’t still claim my paratang. She’s also not angry of it.

                Before she left at past 11, she promised me that she will text Yoyi and will know the truth. After that I asked Mama if she believed Diyang. She said no. So I did.

                I believed Diyang is the one behinds the call or interview. Yoyi has an idea of interviewing me and pretending she’s a call center agent of Teletech because she gave her my phone number. Yoyi and she connived. Diyang’s vow of helping me to prove it is just her frontal act of escaping. Huh! I knew she did it. She came here today after Tintin told her that I already knew what she and Yoyi did.

                After lunch, I washed my clothes and pants…

                Past one, I took a nap. It was past three when I got up.

                No one texted me today. I put on my mind that Mico is not going to text me anymore and I would not expect for him. I closed my life to him. He’s not a good friend. He’s a mere sex maniac, who tried to fool me that he’s virgin.

                Five-thirty I went to Veterans and bought viand. I cooked it at six-thirty.

                Quarter to eaight I sent this message to Mico, “U fooled me. I tut ur virgin. Ur a sex maniac pala… a real virgin dosnt crave 4 utmost sexual pleasure… I tut kiss s enuf  4 u. Ur insatiable. Obviously, ur experncd one n pla in d name of sex bcoz uexpct me to mke u satisfied d whle nyt… I tut wer gnna celebrate ur bday… I waitd in sogo, bt I don’t expect dat u wll check me in immdtely. Ur a liar! U dnt even drink. U dnt even talk to me 4 long, as if urn t intrestd anymre. I hv no regret. Its anthr account dat wud b kept in my journal. See… u dnt even txt me na… Salamat ha…”He didn’t reply.

                Nine-thirty, Amy replied, ‘Pautang’ to my text. I thought she was kidding me. Thus I asked how much she needed. I was astonished when she says, “P500!” I told her that I only have two hundred pesos. She says “Ok na ‘yan.” At first, I hesitated because I am also in need of money, but after God said that I must help her I confirmed to her that I would send her the P200. She thanked me.

                My toothache was gone after few minutes of taking Gardan. Thus, I have fallen asleep.

February 9, 2008

                However, my toothache came back at past 3. I took another Gardan. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gone. I have had a lack of sleep.

                I woke up before 8 am.

                After breakfast, I rinsed my clothes and pants that I washed yesterday. Then I texted Amy. I told her that I was not able to send her the P200 because of its hardship. I have to pay for service charge and I need to consider the P60 fare. She insisted at first, but she says, “Ok”, at last.

                Cute of Marlene Quiobe replied to my text. I have learned that she’s now in Bulan. Later I told Amy to ask help from her. Sad thing, the latter does not reply.

                I went to Veterans and bought LPG and viands. Later I cooked our lunch. While doing so, Irene Dreu replied to my text. Then, again, I asked help for Amy. Unfortunately she couldn’t help her.

                Final or last resort, I texted Padi Glenn. I told her that Amy has something to tell him. The two conversed. Later Padi Glenn promised Amy to help find for the amount she needed. He would borrow from his friend.

                Diyang promised me to text Yoyi. She must prove to me that she was not involved in the deception. Well, I will wait for the result.

                Past 8:30 pm, Romeo texted me. He was inviting me to join them. I hesitated at once, yet I changed my clothes. However when he told me that I have to go to high school, where we studied, I decided not to leave home. I thought of myself. I might be tripped by the addicts there. I said, “Sori ha?” Besides, my tooth was aching terribly though I took Ampicillin.

February 10, 2008

                Due to my toothache, I have had a lack of sleep. I tried to re-sleep in the room. However, at past 8, my mag-iina arrived. I was partly glad and sad to see them. I’m glad because I missed them for a week. I was sad because I still was sleepy.

                Later I fried tikoy for breakfast.

                Ten, Jano directed me to buy viands, so I went to Veterans with Hanna. When we arrived, I immediately prepared our lunch. I was then unwell and feeling drowsy. My head was aching, too.

                Diyang was texting me. She said that Yoyi did not reply. Is that so? Well, I don’t believe her. She really doesn’t text her.

                After lunch, I was so sleepy. Bad thing is I couldn’t take a nap due to my mag-iina’s presence. Thus, I bonded with them instead. Later, I gave Mj P100. She happily accepted it.

                Past 3, my parents-in-law arrived. Calove’s van followed. Wew! Almost complete-- Calove family, Tito Jun and his daughters, Tiyo Ruben, and Tita Neng. Calove, my ex-boss, asked me fo a langka seedling. Without further ado, i accomplished his request.

                They left before 3:30. Then, Mama and I talked about them and Zildjian’s upcoming birthday. I told her that Mj has no money to call or text Tito Jay. She has to talk to him kasi about our son’s birthday.

                Mama’s so excited to the arrival of Ate Ningning. She was so anxious to know that I was going to Bulan with her. However, as of now, text from Ate Quennie hasn’t arrived yet, as if it’s postponed.

                I managed to watch movie, despite of excruciating toothache I was feeling. Huh! ‘Legend of Zorro’ has helped me, so as before I sleep, I finished till end, the movie ‘Original Sin’ by Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie. I found it nice.

                Before I closed my eyes to sleep, I asked God to take away our worry. Mj and I were afraid that she’s pregnant. She told me that two or three days ago, she was always feeling dizzy. Symptoms of pregnancy showed up. Good thing, the delay was only 3 days.

                I asked God not to give us another child. Mj and I do not like to have another baby.

February 11, 2008

                I was awakened by noises made by Flor, Mama, and Courtney. But, I got up at 7:45. My lower neck, upper back and nape were aching. Stiffed-nape, it maybe was.

                I watched tv all day long and at last I have viewed 'Titanic'. I liked the movie so much. Alas! It was to be continued.

                I suffered from the terrible pain in my nape. I couldn't move freely. I pity Mama for I couldn't help her do the household chores and help her take care of Courtney Love, who has been tantrumic.

                Till I closed my eyes, I was still anticipating.

February 12, 2008

                I got up at 6:30. My back or nape pain was until here. Yet I could move freely unlike yesterday. I have taken care of my niece for few hours. I have taken a bath, too. However, it's still hard for me to stand or sit for a long time. I need to lie down in order to avoid the pain.

                No one arrived till twelve.

                Mj regarded me and the arrival of Ate Ningning. I knew she just wanted to assure if I was still here in Antipolo. I told her about what pain I was experiencing and that Ate Ningning is maybe in Dubai still because no one texted me.

                Myles sent me load in exchange of a 'creed' she was requesting me to write. I sent her my poem, 'I Can, But I Can't', thinking it was a creed. However, she hasn't told me before that it must be all about education or practice teacher. Thus, I scribbled in a jiffy. After 15 minutes I have sent this to her:

The Teacher's Creed

I will be a good teacher

with a deep sense of responsibility

I can be the greatest educator

in the service to the nation

I will be a responsible mentor

who perseveres and works hard

I can be the noblest of all

practicing what I've learned

I will be the role model

for you and everyone

I can go to the remote area

just to share my wisdom

I will be a concerned citizen,

devoting my life to this.

                After few hours, she rejected it. She says, "Masyadong mataas ang expectation." It must be dramatic and humble.

                And, since I was experiencing pains, I told her that I could do it tomorrow. She agreed, giving me a timeframe of 'before lunch'. However, I still rough-drafting the second creed.

                I took Amoxicillin, but my toothache was still pestering me. I couldn't sleep. I did everything to alleviate the ache. Salt. Toothpick. Etc. But all of these seemed useless. I almost cried. I got up several times.

                Midnight has passed. I was still awake.

February 13, 2008

                Past 1:30 AM, I was still wide awake. Toothache excruciatingly disrupted my sleeping moment. It pissed me out.

                I think I have fallen asleep at around 3.

                Unfortunately I was awakened by the noise made by the early risers. Good thing, Mama was awake. I found a lethargic place in their room. There, I have fallen asleep till nine.

                Before ten, I sent the second creed to Myles. It goes this:

The Teacher’s Creed

I am our mentor

Who can impart my wisdom

With all efficiency.

I am your teacher,

Who can practice the art of teaching

With gladness and dedication.

I am your educator,

Who can be a guidance counselor

And advocate of morality and virtues.

I am your teacher,

Who can be the instrument

Of learning and of well-being.

I am your pedagogue,

Who can devote my time

With patience and perseverance.

I am your teacher,

Who can be a role model

With great honor and dignity.

I am your second parent,

Who can be a nourishing mother,

Like my loving Alma Mater.

I am your teacher,

Who can always be a noble one

For the school, for the people.

                Myles did not reply. I got mad that she did not even give any comment of my effort. She thanked me not, either.

                I sent a text message to Ate Quennie. She did not answer back. I just said, “Hello! Msta c Ate Ningning?”

                My toothache quitted punishing me. I wondered why the pain attacks during sleeping hours. I would rather have it in daytime.

                Diyang came in. I did not give her attention. She told me that Yoyi did not reply to her text. When Mama asked her what she did she say to Yoyi, she says, “Akin na lang ‘yon!” Apparently, she’s just lying. She’s indeed the accomplice of Yoyi.

                Well, I’m not interested anymore to confirm it. I already have proven it.

                Marjs texted me at 4:30 pm. We talked about work, date, and our families. I have contacted her last Tuesday.

                Epr texted me at past 7. He queried me about the eyeball happened last week in Alabang between me and my textmate. I related him the reality. He laughed at me. But, I told him that it was okay for it was another experience in my life.

                Tortuous toothache came back before I sleep at 11 pm. I fell asleep easily.

February 14, 2008

                However at past 1:30 am, I was awakened by tremendous pain. My wisdom tooth was like a hand drill, drilling my ear. The pain was very unbearable. I got up and brushed my teeth. But, it seemed useless. I tried to catch sleep, but I failed. It was already 4 am. Thirty minutes to go, Jano will get up already.

                I did not want him to catch me awake, thus I went back to my pillows and blanket. I bore the pain and sleepiness.

                Before the couple left to work, I transferred to the room. Yet, I still was experiencing the pain. I could not even fall to sleep, thus, at past 6, I got up and took breakfast.

                Wew! Nothing happened. The pain made me sleepless and restless.

                I was greeted ‘Happy Valentine’ by Marlene.

                I could still remember last year. I made personalized Valentine card for MJ. She was so happy for it. But now, I could not even greet her through text message. I could make her another card, but the problem is how I can give it to her.

                The pain lowered down at 8:30. My nape ache has gone, too.

                I took care of Baby Love, while Mama was washing her clothes.

                I remember, Antipolo National High School (Annex) Batch ’98 is already 10 years, since they graduated. I am part of that pioneering class. However, I don’t want to organize the alumni homecoming for three reasons. First, I have no money to finance the possible expenses in contacting the alumni and in advertising the big event. Second, I hate my high school days. Thus, I might not enjoy the celebration. Lastly, I am not successful. It is such a shame to get together with them, knowing that most of my classmates are irritating due to their aristocracy and pretension. However, I am willing to attend if I was invited by them. I, of course, love to socialize with.

                Two, after taking care of Courtney, I took a forty winks. I got up at past 3 pm, and later on I took a bath.

                Past 6, while taking care of my niece, Mama pushed me to videoke. So I did. I enjoyed singing while lulling Baby Love. I still enjoyed it, despite the absence of microphone.

                I was greeted ‘Happy Valentine’s  day’ by Myles, Padi Glenn, manay Baby,Cute, Mean, and Mj. My wife says, ‘Hapi Valentines! Yan ha, nakahabol p q. Gudnyt!” I couldn’t greet them back because I have no load.

                My toothache was just mild. I could bear the pain.

                Before I sleep, I prayed to God. I asked Him for the right direction. I wanted a permanent settlement.

February 15, 2008

                Four o’clock I the morning, my toothache disrupted my sleep. Five am, I transferred in the room. There, I tried to catch sleep. Good thing, I succeeded. I got up minutes before 9 am.

                Nine thirty-five, Mj sent this message to me: “Elow! Msta n? How do u feel nw?” I wanted to tell her that I was partly okay. I also wanted to ask her what happened to her menstruation. I have just no load.

                I took care of Courtney. I helped Mama.

                When Jano arrived, I still took care of his child. I put her to sleep at 3 pm. Thus, I took a nap, despite of my aching tooth. Haist! Devastating toothache of mine.

                Past 3, Mj texted me again. She says, “Ei, msta? Ano na blta? Dk ngppramdam ah!?” Like me, she’s anxious to know if Ate Ningning has already arrived. I knew she’s now problemizing the physiological needs of our children. She’s so pathetic. She needs my financial aid. However, it’s so saddening that I could provide my kids’ needs. I’m not escaping. I merely don’t have anything to give them.

                I missed my children very much. They were on my mind tonight.

                I turned off the tv set at past 11 pm, then I asked to give me a tight sleep.

February 16, 2008

                Past 4 am, I was pissed out again by my toothache. Yet, I tried to sleep back. Past 6, Taiwan woke me up. He says, “Labhan mo ang shorts at sando ko,” handing me down the P20-bill. Then, I transferred in the room after I took breakfast. Nine when I got up. Excruciating pain was still here. It pestered me the whole day. However I have found a mean to oppose the enormity of pain. I read and took down words from a dictionary. I stored them up into my cellphone for future use.

                Past six, Mama left to Sauyo. Later, I bought Amoxicillin and prepared our viand.

                Past 7:30 pm, electric power disrupted our dvd watching. Thus, I tried to catch sleep. My head and tooth were aching. Then I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking of my kids and their future. I pity them. How I wish I was not sickly.

                Past 8:30 pm, the power resumed. We pursued ‘Spy Kids 1”. I enjoyed the film, despite of what I was feeling. Then, ‘Spy Kids 2’ was played next. I finished it. Eleven pm when I went to Gie-Jano’s room o sleep. My Calvary started there. I couldn’t sleep due to the tortuous aches. My headache was l=healed somehow by Omega pain killer, but not the toothache.

February 17, 2008

                I think, it was past 2:45 when I fell asleep. I got up to piss at 4 am. That was when I have had another hard time catching sleep. However, I found out that I have fallen asleep. It was 7 am, when I transferred of higaan. Yet, I did not sleep. I just waited for my mag-iina. It was past nine when I rose up. The breakfast was ready.

                After lunch, I read lexicon. Then, I took a cat nap. One hour made me well already. Then, I pursued dictionary-browsing, despite of my aching nape.

                I am low-blood or high-blood. I knew aching of nape is one of its symptoms. I am always lack of sleep. Then, we always have pork in our meals.

                Six, I watched ‘Ang Pinaka…’ at QTV, featuring the top 10 Pinoys, who have been famous because of internet 9either blogging or youtube). I also craved that someday I could upload my children’s videos or photos that might give them fame in the world of commercial modelling.

                I didn’t do kitchen works. Gie and Flor take the works. I just sat on the sofa and watched dvd.

                At nine, I watched the 2^nd part of ‘Titanic’ in RPN 9. It was so breath-taking. The passengers were so pathetic. The love between Jack and Rose was amazing. I never thought that there’s such kind of love, given in the midst of a tragedy. Indeed, love is everywhere. There is love in last breath.

                I could never forget that movie, as long as I’m living.

                Eleven, I was praying to God. I asked for financial blessings, especially for Mj. She needs to have passport.

February 18, 2007

                Seven-thirty, I got up. Jano, who doesn’t leave to work, commanded me to fry the leftover rice. So I did. However, before I totally friend it, Mama arrived.

                It was past 8 when we had our breakfast.

                Quarter to ten, Mj texted me. She says, “Poroy, sunduin u n kmi d2. Kung mhal u tlga mga anak mo. Lam q gs2ng gs2 u n kmi umalis d2. Kmi n lng plgi ng anak mo ang masama. Nghari-harian nmn ang isa d2.” I knew who was she’s telling me. He’s Bernie, her brother-in-law. I was so sad and furious of this message.

                I immediately bought load and replied,”Bkt n nmn, Mj?”

                She answered, “Dhil n nmn sa maarteng bta d2. Ac2ally nung isang gbi p nga, e, ngkasagutan kmi ni Bernie. Cnigawan b nman s Hanna. Knina ngparinig n nman.”   

                I talked to Mama about it. It was known to Jano, too. My tears were on the verge of falling down. My voice broke down.

                Mama wanted me to go to Bulan. Jano, at first, wanted to work. I voiced out my sentiments. My mother said that their tirahan is the sole problem. Then, she opened up about Lola Alice’ proposal that I sell vegetables in Sauyo. At that time, my only goal is to get Hanna away from them. Ever since, my daughter is rejected. She’s not a favorite one.

                I set myself. It was agreed by Mama and Jano. The former gave me money secretly. I left immediately.

                Diyang and Happy texted me. I entertained Happy’s messages. I also did to Diyangs, but I cut it off.

                I have learned from Happy that Lerma has twin children and Christian became her boyfriend. We talked about her lovelessness. I gave her advice.

                While Diyang, she exactly sent this to me:

                “Wen I was youngr scol s nt lrnin place for me its wer I’l c my clsm8 crsh, I cn wer new slpr, it have new ntbuks d cvr in my fave actrs actrs. Jus ol tht. Lrnin s is nice to me its so boooring. Now I realzd that love n buks its gftd so f my son dnt wnt to go to scol I’l tel hm its ok ur sme wit me. Mssyang lng baon sau ang eduk ay d lng lbro outsyd scol ul lrn. Bsta d empurtans s motto u abkasa onli abakada. Yan lng pkosap ku sao. Feleng ku npamanhan n keta!”

                I really don’t understand her. Her text message was grammatically and logically wrong. Yet, I replied her. I said:

                “dats ur notion abt eduction! Well, ur being opinionated… I beg to disagree. I thnk ur insolence s d prblm. I luv to study. I always wnted to go to skol, even nw… Skol s d prme source of wisdom. It’s undeniably tru. Ur view s defntly naïve n nature.”

                She asked the meaning of naïve. I laughed at her. Then, I told her that I was in Bayan, with my kids, thus, I would text het later.

                In my parents-in-law’s house, I saw the king-like. I gave courtesy to my in-laws, then, I kissed Zildjian many times. In the short period of time, he’s with me, I enjoyed him so much. I just pity him. He’s payat than before.

                When I told Mj that I’m going to Bulan with Hanna, she disagreed. She didn’t like the idea. But, we didn’t talk about it much.

                Nanay asked me about arrival of Ate Ningning. I answered her very clearly. I don’t know why she’s interested, too.

                The, I got sad when Mj announced that her menstrual period has arrived yet. “Dagdag problema pa ‘yan,” I told her. We talked about it and arrived to the idea of looking for something to abort the fetus. Then, I uttered a short prayer to God. i asked Him not to give us another child.

                Though Mj was implying that Zildjian’s milkless, I did not give her. Besides, I have no coins or smaller amount than P500. I wanted her to have a disposition. Then, she told me that she’s asking her cousin, Baduday, for help. The latter is working in a canteen. I asked her, “Gusto mo sa canteen?” I admired her answer. “E, kesa sa tumambay ako rito. Walang panggatas.”

                After Hanna has eaten her lunch, we left. We’re home at one.

                Before two, I sent text messages to Diyang. I insulted and satire her, especially her words, such as ‘readable textmate’, ‘inborn romantic’, ‘pocketbook’, and ‘abakada’. I also sent this “Hey, cozener-cousin reply pls! u knw wat, I knew dat ur jst playing game wth me. Well, u won’t win. Im gud in dat matter. Im mybe poor now and unstable bt im nt a ne’er-do-well. No1 hs d ryt to belittle me. No1 knows me, except d Lord!”

                She didn’t reply. She would not win over me.

February 19, 2008

                I was wide-awake the whole night. It was not my toothache that made me sleepless. I pondered very closely the idea of ‘pagtitinda ng mga gulay’ in Novaliches. I also asked fervently to God the postponement or stoppage of Mj’s pregnancy.

                At 5 am, I was already decided to accept Lola Alice’ proposal. I would talk to Mama morrow.

                In the room, I have fallen asleep. It was past 8:30 am when I got up. It was due to Diyang’s voice. She was talking very loudly to Mama. Later when she was gone, I related to Mama about the text messages we sent and received from each other.

                Then, while doing laundry, I was talking to Mama about the pagtitinda. Though she wanted me to go to Bulan, she still accepted the proposal. She would talk to Lola Alice first on Saturday. And, since there was no news about Ate Ningning, I better act now. Selling veggies is a dirty work, but it’s decent. It is business. And, I like it.

                Past five, Mama and Kuya Greg talked about pagtitinda. I was dismayed when Mama related me the truth. Lola Alice is not giving up her puwesto in the market. She’s just giving us bread-and-butter for a short duration. It’s just a temporary. Thus, I exclaimed, “Huwag na lang!”

                It made me even more problematic. I did not know what to do. I did not know where to go. Mama is the only one, who could help me, except God. She’s the only one, who understands me. However, like me, she also did not know what to do and where to go. She loves to take care of her grandchild, Courtney, and she promised me to take over my responsibility for Hanna. Like me, she has so many grievances against the couple. The two were neglecting the provision of basic needs in this house. They were not providing some of the needs. They’re cost0sutting. They’re just making asa to Mama. They’re supposed to be the ones, who must compensate her, but it seems that our mother is the one who’s helping them.

                I knew their reason—my presence. They’re thinking that I’m useless and just a pabigat in this house. But, the truth is… I’m useful. They must know that.

                They’re always implying that they’re on crisis or they’re penniless. Huh? But, when they arrived, they had cake for Courtney. They don’t even think that we already don’t have viand.

                Past eleven, I thought Hanna was sleeping besides Mama and Flor, but she’s crying. Thus, I took her out. I decided to sleep with her on the bamboo sofa, despite of its hardship.

February 20, 2008

                It was so tough to sleep in a very small, narrow place. Good thing, I have fallen asleep. I have had many dreams.

                Past six, Hanna and I transferred in the room. I rose up at past 8:30 am.

                Looking at Mama, who was doing garden works, I craved for an own house. I hoped I could go to Bulan soon.

                Four-thirty, Mj sent this message to me: “Elow! Msta n Hnna? Lgi u suotan ng jacket ha? Ska anon a ngresearch k n b 2ngkol dun?” I have no load to tell her that I already did last Monday night. I have researched that unripe pineapple when eaten may cause the premature expulsion of a fetus. Then, the decoction of the plant, bitter gourd (ampalaya), especially the roots is also abortifacient. I also found out that ripe pineapple and the gumamela bark decoction are good emmenagogue (agents which induces menstraual flow), as well as the infusion or decoction of sambong.

                I got mad when Jano says, “Makakalimutin na kasi ako!” Huh!? He indeed intended to forget to buy cooking oil, not to mention rice and viand. He’s hoping and relying so much to Mama.

February 21, 2008

                Past 2 am, I was bothered by my toothache. Plus, Hanna was so malikot while she is sleeping. I have just fallen asleep again when the couple and Flor were gone. It was 8:30 when I got up.

                After having coffee, I dishwashed. Then, I fed Hanna when she woke up. I also took care of Courtney.

                I brought Hanna to sleep at past one. Thus, I had a chance to skim the dictionary. I collected terms which would be useful to my writing endeavours.

                Past five, I did marketing in Veterans. Mama did the cooking.

                I have beaten Hanna because she’s turning the pages of Zildjian’s baby book very roughly. It was 6:15. Minutes later, Mj texted me. She says, “Ei! Msta n Hanna q? Lgi u suotan ng jacket ska medyas. Mis n mis q n c Hnna. Bka s Linggo sunduin q n sya. Mgalit k n pero malngkot aq pg wla sya d2.” I will get mad indeed if she will.

                I controlled myself. I did not tell it to Mama, who’s so willing to support Hanna’s needs. She’s the one, the only one, who could help us both financially and emotionally. I, as her son, could say that she’s the sole person who is inspiring me nowadays. She’s giving me an encouragement and hope to stand still, despite of this crisis and confusion.

                I am clueless why Mj has to get back Hanna. If it would so, this is not the first time. Haist! I was so tired understanding her. I don’t know why she couldn’t sacrifice. We have so many problems to be done, yet she was just prioritizing nonsense matters. I’m afraid of what will Mama’s reaction be. I am sure, she will get mad.

February 22, 2008

                They’re so noisy at 4:30 am. I couldn’t sleep back. Thus, I researched in the lexicon. Past 5, I slept again. I got up at past 8.

                All day I was almost researching. My cellphone started to cram with myriad of information, especially vocabularies. I just hoped it would not explode.

                Of course, I was taking care of Hanna. I used to beat her somehow, but it’s because she’s so naughty. Overall, I have given her my utmost love, care, and attention. I took her a bath. I fed her. I brought her to sleep. I was just disappointed by her meanness. She becomes noisy, defiant, and rebellious. She’s retaliating verbally and physically every time we scold her. Was that the outcome of her being with the Espinosas? However, I love her still. She’s sweet sometimes, playful, and most of all, smart.

                I get mad every time I hear that the couple, especially Jano has got mat when he knew that there’s no cooked rice yet. It was already past 9. Mama intended it so, because she perceived that there’s going to eat before going home. Besides, they left money merely for water.

                It made me sad. I was thinking or doubting if I will leave Hanna here. I knew Mama will take care of her very closely, but I was looking at the dark side of living here. The couple was being stingy.  Understand that having a baby, who’s reliable to formula milk, is very tough, but they must understand, too, that taking care of their child is tougher. Mama is so pitiful. She’s not-so-well-fed nanny.

February 23, 2008

                I got up at past 7. After breakfast, I mean, poor breakfast, I turned on the tv set. I watched ‘Don Stewart’s Healing Show’. He’s a reverend, who is sending the callers and texters with green prosperity hankie for free. I was amused to its intent. There’s a reality in the testimonies of the healed and the recipients of miracles, thus I get the numbers and the verse that supports his doctrine—Acts 19:11-12.

                We’re problemizing both our food and water. Our viand was just sardines. Mama and I pity Hanna. She was here not to feel this scarcity. Plus, water supply was so rare. They’re passing, but they’re not supposed to sell us.

                I was so anxious and disappointed today. Living here in Bautista is a miserable experience.

                Before six, I went to Bukal. I decided to take a bath there. I waited for the fetchers to leave the premise. However, when I was about to undress, group of teenagers come over. Geeh! I decided not to take a bath. Thus, I filled the pail with water. I took a bath in our toilet, instead.

                When the couple arrived, I have learned that they’re indeed in the midst of financial crisis. I understand them. I just couldn’t tell them that what made them that situation was Courtney’s milk. They preferred S-26 Gold rather than the cheaper ones such as Bonna. Haist! It’s their lives!

                Hanna and I occupied the couple’s room.

February 24, 2008

                I was awakened by Mama’s noises. She was preparing to leave. However, I tried to sleep back. I got up when I thought there was a water supply truck nearby. Mama left already. I didn’t see her.

                While Hanna was sleeping, I waited for the truck. It was an hour wait.

                My daughter got up at 8:30 am. I gave her a piece of bread and we went out to wait for the water supply. That’s when Mj and Zildjian were dropped by my parents-in-law, who were going to Boso-Boso.

                I immediately queried Mj if she would really take Hanna home today. It’s true, indeed. But, it’s because Bernie and his mag-iina were not in their home. Thus, I permitted her to take Hanna away from me for ephemeral time. Besides, she was planning to work.

                Mj and I talked about her pregnancy. I showed her what I have researched. Later I gave her an infusion of oregano. The book, ‘Building Vital Health’ says it’s good for Amenorrhea, the absence of menstrual flow for one or more period. I should have given her an abortifacient, but the truth is there’s no ampalaya or even damong Maria.

                Past 10, I went to Veterans. I budgeted the P245 tightly. Jano did the cooking.

                Past 11, I went downhill. I looked for abortifacient agents like unripe pineapple and emmenagogue agents like sambong. However, I haven’t found one. I just have got star apples there, which were liked by my daughter.

                We talked about it again. She was threatening me. I must do something before it turns one month. She also suggested the opening it to Mama. I did not say ‘No’ or ‘Yes’. I will come to think of it. She will help us, for sure, but I don’t want nobody to know about it as long as I still can make a way to abort the baby/fetus in herbal ways.

                Zildjian’s presence made me happy. He could now walk slowly. He’s also dancing and clapping every time I sang ‘Sayaw Darling’. He’s so handsome and witty. I just felt sad to know that Tito Jay is not texting or replying their text messages. In short, there will be no grandeur birthday party on March 3, 2008, like what had happened on July 16, 2006.

                Hanna is luckier than Zildjian.

                Past one-thirty, my mag-iina was fetched by my in-laws. It did not make me sad. Their temporal presence was enough.

                I took a nap after they left. I was awakened at 2:45 pm, the time when I have read Diyang’s message (sent at 2:15).

                She says, “Educ s useless f no carir. I scondrli knw dat. Educ must b partnr by carir.”

                That was the exact message. It has insulted me so much. Thus, I immediately bought load and texted her. I sent this:

                “Wat a high-falutin statement!?U mst say dis: ‘Wats d use of ur lyf f ur both undereducated and careerless?! Gnaw and chew every food u intake b4 u swallow it…”

                She replied quickly, but it was out-of-the-wall. I knew she did not understand my words especially the high-falutin.

                “It’s not hi, but fact,” she said.

                “Where in the world you get your words?” I asked her. I found her boba. She’s not good in English.

                These were the text messages I sent and replied:

                1. I rli dnt wnt to engae n dis folderol, bt bcoz ur implying smthing, I still did…        Now tel me wats ur problem… Y r u questning my career? R u affectd? Y dnt u fix           ur own lyf?

                2. Ha ha. Wer n d world u get ur words? Fiddlestick! Well, I used to it. It thrills         me. It s nonsense, bt I hve to reply.

                3. Is dis d way u txt? Pathetic. I haven’t established my lyf yet bt Im nt contented   of having a diploma. Ur ryt, edctn s uselss bt ur more useless dan me… How old r      u na ba?

                4. S should I? (My answer from her text, “Hoy, baka npi2kon u n ha…”) Im             actually furious! Wat u did and wat r u doing r enuf to give me rage in my hart…      U cant mend it anymore.

                5. Wers d reply? Itut ur well-learnd enuf. Ha ha. Ur limited ‘pala’… U mst learn a    lesson, girl… Dnt evr dare to look at other’s flaws f ur more flawful dan him… Ponder b4 u utter any words… Ur lingo s a sword dat mt kill u. It’s also an echo      dat bounce bck to u… Dnt u hve mirror n ur haws?

                6. I ddnt knw wht I was stl txtng with u… Ol I knew s dat I wnt to get u out in a       madhouse! Don’t fool me, imbecile rumormonger girl! I know ur d culprit in dat             prank phone interview.

                7. I cud say now dat ur an oaf. A ninny. A numskull fathead! Ur exactly lyk ur         charlatan, gadfly mother, hu dsnt know d meaning of humility. Both of u r just                living in braggadocio… My mom s jst a grde school graduate bt I cud say that she                 is smarter dan u!

                She quitted replying at that time. Then, she did again at 5:30 pm. She said, “Dnt acuse me dat Im involve n dat col cntr interview 2dat s Sun a holi day I swer 2 God!”

                I replied, “Well, u cnt blame me. ur capble of doing dat. Ur a gameplayer. Ur always questioning and measuring my worth.”

                She never replied Laughing out loud! She’s a loser, pathetic girl, who tried to outwit me.

                I have typed a message for her, but it was unsent. It says, “Hey, b4 I quit dis baloney thing, I wnt u to know dat ‘I dnt wanna see ur face in our premise! I dnt wnt 2 b plastc anymre. Ur presence mkes me sick… Ur nt a gud kin… Ur a nix and nugatory one. U deserve nothing, bt my obloquy. Pwe!”

                Jefferson texted me. He says, “Boring didi.” I seconded-the-motion, then I asked him if he would go back home to polot this March. He said no. Hee would saty because he doesn’t want to be a serf. The fact that being penniless made him ashamed to show up in Polot. I told him my plan and my loss of appetite in working as living here in the metro. Before we end it u, I have told him that I am looking forward to jamming with him before I leave.

                I cooked our dinner. While doing so, I joined the videoking.

                Before ten, Jano stopped the videoking. I slept at 10:45 after praying to God. I asked Him again to diminish the fetus in Mj’s womb.

February 25, 2008

                At six, I was awakened by Courtney’s cry. It’s a good opportunity because I could see the water supply water. Thus, I waited for it.

                It was so cold outside, yet I have been patient in waiting. However, it just put me to dismay. The truck ran out of supply.

                Then, I swept the clutters in the yard. I also burnt it.

                While waiting for the water supply truck, I was browsing the Merriam-Webster’s. After more than an hour, I prepared our lunch, which was ginataang langka.

                I sent my name and address at the number flashed in the Green Prosperity Handkerchief.” But, there was no confirmation.

                I pursued dictionary-browsing, while cooking and after lunch. And, past one, I watched dvd. I finished ‘All the King’s Men’ till the end, despite of its boring plot. It somehow gives me wisdom about politics and vocabulary.

                Past three, I was skimming the lexicon again. I was waiting Flor to wake up, so that I could take over the bed. She did at past 4. I did forty winks. I got up at past 5.

                Minutes later, mama arrived. She brought so many vegetables. She also has gift for Zildjian, a shirt and shorts, and pansit bihon. It gladdened me. We would have a contribution for his birthday.

February 26, 2008

                Before six, I was already wide-awake. I decided to rise up early because I have something to do. I reorganized my or our (my kids and I) stuffs. I put them in one container. While doing it, Mama and I talked about going home to Bulan. She, too, was decided to live in Bulan.

                I prepared excruciating messages for Diyang that will surely hurt her. Then, I prepared our lunch. I pursued having critical messages after eating. Later, I faced Zildjian’s scrapbook. I wanted to finish it before March 3. But, his pictures on my mobile phone are not yet printed out. I also started making him a birthday banner. I have just finished ‘Zildjian.’  ‘Happy 1^st Birthday’ will be done when I do have materials.

                I spent my whole day in enhancing my mind or gathering knowledge. Yet, I have been a cook. I just stopped skimming the dictionary at 9 pm.

                Before I slept, I prayed to God. I asked Him again about our problem.

February 27, 2008

                Early at 6, I got up. They’re so noisy. I couldn’t sleep. After breakfast, I took care of Courtney while Mama was washing her clothes. I was also collecting words and encoding them into my phone. Good thing, Baby Love has been supportive.

                At 8:51 am, Mj sent this to me: “Ei, msta? C mj 2. Pulse alarm! Meron na me nung Monday p, kya lang sobra lakas, nahihilo n nga me e, ubos na dugo q.” I immediately thanked Gd. He’s so kind. He listened to my prayer. He used or touched the oregano to heal Mj’s amenorrhea. I was so happy. I have overcome our greatest problem.

                I wrote and read almost all day. And, before I took a catnap, I personalized the photo album of Hanna. I put captions on it. It turned our awesome.

                Before I started cooking, I re-started Zildjian’s birthday banner. The couple’s arrival postponed my endeavor. I have to cleanse the fishes, as well as, to cook our viand. I pursued it after cooking. I almost have done it.

                I have accomplished many things today. It’s maybe the result of the good news and blessings I received this morning. God is indeed great!

                Thanking God was the last thing I did before plunging into subconscious. I praised Him for the favour He gave me.

February 28, 2008

                Again, I rose up early… Taking care of Courtney came next. I simultaneously did nannying and learning. I also pursued encoding and saving nuisance messages for Rodea.

                I cooked our lunch early, so that I could do more. After lunch, I let Mama fell asleep, while I was taking care of Baby Love. When Mama woke up, I said, “Ako naman!” However, I didn’t pursue sleeping. I instead worked Zildjian’s baby book.

                Six, while watching ‘American Idol’, I was lulling Courtney. She’s been tantrumic. God thing is I was entertained by the show, I was viewing.

                Mj texted me. She’s asking if I have been in PCSO. I was touched by her thoughtfulness, yet I anticipated for some tidings about Zildjian’s forthcoming birthday. Sad thing, I couldn’t text her. I have no load.

February 29, 2008

                Again, for the third day, I woke up early. It was after the couple left. I was doing it with gladness. It is my responsibility or, I should say, payment for the gratitude of living with them.

                While nannying or baby-sitting, I was collecting vocabularies. This is the best way I could entertain myself, and at the same time, I was learning. Thought of Zildjian’s upcoming birthday and its uncertain celebration has been temporarily forgotten. However, when Mj texted, worry filled my heart. She says, “Elow!Msta? War plan u s bday ni Zj? Pnta b u? Ewan q nga kung my hnda e, bhla n.”

                It saddened me. It also irritated me. I wanted to reply. I just don’t have load. I wanted to say, “Bkt p aq ppunta? Wla nman plang hnda!” Haist! What’s happening to our lives?

                I pity Zildjian, but I couldn’t do a thing. I was also not blaming myself. There’s no point of doing so. I indeed don’t have capacity to give him even a simple party.

                Hanna’s first birthday celebration has been that grandeur because there were sponsors. Tito Jay and Tito Nick sent us money. But now, no one did. Mj has tried to contact them, but she received no reply.

                I don’t even feel anything mean towards them. I am the father. I should have been the one, who endeavoured.

                After dinner, I rewrote the ‘Pahilis’ draft. I drafted month ago. It somehow made me forget my disappointment.