My Journal -- November 2007

November 1, 2007
                I woke up very early at six. I tried to sleep again, but I failed to catch one. Thus, I got up after 15 minutes. I immediately drank hot coffee and ate rice for breakfast. 
                Next thing happened, I was preparing our lunch. It was a large milkfish. Mama was the one who cooked it. 
                Then, I started to write the third chapter of ‘Loyalty Award’. I spent my whole day writing. In fact, I have done more than five chapters, except for chapter 3. 
                Also, I indulged myself in eating. From time to time, I munched anything that could be eaten and anything available. I’m always hungry. I hope we always have food. If this will so, it’s possible that I can gain weight.
                Before 8 AM, I have done chapter 11 of the ‘Loyalty Award’. I was thinking if I end it there or I pursue it till my 4th year in college days.
                We celebrated the ‘All Saints’ Day’ only here in our house. Mama cooked spaghetti. We also lighted candles outside the house. With these, we could show to Papa that we remember his death.
                It’s been two years now that we haven’t visited Papa’s tomb. We couldn’t really afford to do so. If only I was in Bicol…


November 2, 2007
                After breakfast, I bonded with Mama, who was doing in the garden. I then helped her. Because of it, we have had a chance to talk about several things, such as having a house of our own; our house and lot in Polot; Kuya Tantan and his willingness to take care of our planned house and lot in Polot, Mj’s eagerness to go or work abroad; etc… I also confided to her about Mj. I told her that Mj and I were going through a silent fight due to pecuniary reason. I related the whole story. She ha learned now that Mj was questioning my capability as a father and as a husband, that she was downgrading me, when I’m jobless or penniless.  Mama wasn’t that mad. In fact, she’s still hoping that we’re still the two in raising our kids till forever. But, I pursue my grievance-telling. I told her that I would rather live without kids, if Mj would continue to act like that. If she will continue to challenge me of separation, I’d rather choose to live lonely. 
                Thus, I confided again to Mama about Maila. I just want her to know that I will not gonna be hurt if the separation happens. But, Mama said that she’s not going to abandon a communication with her grandchildren. It was after I say, “Tutal, paglaki naman ng mga bata, sigurado ako na hahanapin rin nila ako.”
                However, mama and I were still hoping that Mj’s decision was still on her heart and mind. Mama is so eager to help her financially till she flies. But, according to her, if she changes her decision, then it’s the opportune time to separate with her and bestow the custody of Hanna and Zildjian. 
                Mama is indeed supporting to me. She, in fact, did not disagree to my plan of having another woman, if the going gets rough between me and Mj. We end up or conversation after lunch because Gie and Jano arrived in between our lunch.
                Minutes after lunch, I pursue writing ‘Loyalty Award’. I also decided to change the title. I was considering ‘Pahilis’, as its title because, I was using that word more often.
                Four PM, I started a poem, ‘I can, But I Can’t’, that I will dedicate or give to Mj on her birthday or on our 4th mensisary. The poem was almost done.
                My elder brother has annoyed me unintentionally when he promised to grill the milkfish and later on changed mind. He has irked me because the coal I prepared beforehand became useless. I have to make another baga. However, after few minutes, my anger lowered down and after on, was gone. It was due to a nice conversation with Mama and Jenny. 
                After dinner, I decided to give Yoshimi some of Hanna’s old and small dresses. I enjoyed watching Shimi, who was enjoying receiving the clothes. Then, I have found fun in putting them one by one on her., so as Mama, Jen, and Gie. Yoshimi is so cutie and nakakatuwa. I missed my kids kasi. 
                Speaking of my kids, tomorrow is Zildjian’s 8th month birthday. In this regards, Mama wanted to give him a small celebration, but I disagree merely. I did not want her to spend her money anymore for just like that.
                Sleepiness has been so untamed to me. I was still wide awake at 10 PM. Thus, I spent the time reading and writing. 
                After taking a cup of hot milk, I decided to lie down and read. Later, my eyes wanted to give up. Then, I turned off the light. However, problems arise.
                One, my chest ached terribly. It was not bearable. I have taken already the last capsule of my pain reliever that I’ve gotten free from PCSO. 
                Three. Cat of our neighbor intruded the silence of the night.
                I did not know what time it was, when I decided to turn on the light. And, I tried to catch sleep despite of these obstructions. 

November 3, 2007
                I have fallen asleep after that long struggle. However, very early in the morning, Jano, Mama, and Taiwan’s noises and efforts to be early at their works, I was awakened. Thus, I decided to get up. Besides I was so excited to write a letter for Myles and finish my poem for Mj. 
                So, at 6:30 AM, I have been come up with this:
Myles,
Good day, my friend!
We're miles away from each other, thus I opted to write you a letter. I hope it makes you fell better.
May rhymes 'yon. Puro 'er. Hehe!
Seriously, mas pinili ko ang way na ito just to keep in touch with you, because of three reasons. Isa na rito, of course, ang pagiging cellphoneless ko. Secondly, I'm just keeping our communication secret to the mother of my children. Most of all, I wanted always to be 
remembered, since I'm a writer, this letter is a masterpiece of mine.
Anyways, miss na miss ko na ang pag-text natin. I missed the way my fingers become inflamed due to continuous clicking to the keypads. Masakit na minsan ang mga daliri ko, pero I couldn't resist myself. And, that's why my live-in partner gets mad everytime I was using a mobile phone.
Well, I can't blame her. The truth is interesado rin ako sa'yo. Lagi kitang naiisip. Sa ikli ng panahon ng ating pagte-text-san, nagkaroon ka na ng space sa buhay ko.
Oo! Tama ka.
Kaya nga, minsan ayaw kong mag-text sa'yo dahil baka, masira lang ang long distance friendship natin. Saka, sino ba naman ang mahuhulog sa gaya ko? May dalawang anak. Maraming frustrations sa buhay.
Wala, 'di ba?
Gustong-gusto kitang makita. I'm looking forward to meet you. But, for now I'd rather be contented in writing and sending you a snail mail.
Salamat nga pala doon sa payo mo. It was when I texted you last time and it was when I was so down. Pakisabi na rin kay classmate, Sharon, na 'Thanks a lot!' Sinunod ko kayo. Hindi ko iniwanan ang mag-iina ko in the midst of hodgepodge, struggles, and crisis. Nagtiis ako. Nanatili sa tabi ng mga anak ko.
Pero, alam mo ba? Dumating sa point na nakita at naramdaman ko ang pagkasuya at pagkainis sa akin ng asawa ko. Binalewala. Inalisan ng self-esteem. Naranasan ko 'yan.
Imagine, wife ko mismo ang nag-downgrade sa akin. Porke't wala na akong work at money, hindi na ako kinibo.
Napakasakit...
Habang kumakain kami, nabibingi ako sa katahimikan. Walang kibuan. Walang usapan.
Minsan, pasinghal pa niya akong yayayain sa pagkain. At, mas masakit pa, ang anak kong panganay pa ang magsasabing "Papa, kain... Papa, kain..."
It almost breaks my heart.
Almost 2 weeks na ganun ang sitwasyon. Kinibo niya ako at last nang mabilhan ko ng gatas ang daughter ko, one night. Dahil iyon san a-withdraw ko.
I understand her. Ayaw niya lang magutom ang mga anak ko. Pero, she keeps on blaming me why we have a miserable life, lalo niya akong nilublob sa putikan.
Sabi pa niya, "Umuwi ka na sa inyo! Hiyang-hiya na ako sa kanila." Pero, hindi ako umalis. Ang kapal ay tigas din ng mukha ko, 'no?
Saved by the bell, sinundo kami ni Mama, na galing sa Bulan at naisanla niya ang lupa namin sa Polot. Nag-stay lang ang mag-iina ko sa house namin for one week. Nagpaiwan ako.
Maligaya siya. Siyempre, may gatas na ang mga bata. Pero, sa gitna niyon, may silent fight na nangyari. Hindi kasi iyon nalaman ni Mama.
Tungkol iyon sa panganay ko na ayaw niyang ipaiwan sa akin, for only a day. Para bang itatakas ko ang sarili kong anak. Sabi pa niya, "Wala ka pang karapatan sa mga anak ko, hangga't 'di sila nagkakaedad ng 7 taon." In short, kaya niya akong iwanan at ilayo sa ain ang mga bata.
Mahal na mahal ko ang mga anak ko. Sobra! Hindi ko makakaya na malayo sa kanila for a long. Pero, nakahanda ako sa magiging desisyon niya at magiging consequences ng mga away namin.
Sorry kung sinasabi ko ang mga ito sa'yo. Kung tutuusin, were both strangers to each other, kaya wala ka namang dapat pakialam. Pero, sana mapagtiyagaan mo itong 
basahin.
Malamang ito na ang una't huli kong liham sa'yo.
Alam mo? Malaking bahagi ka sa mga away namin. Nakita niya ang mga tula ko na hindi ko pa naipadala sa'yo. Pero, hindi niya ito nabasa dahil nabawi ko kaagad. At, walang duda, tama siya. "Niloloko mo ako!" sabay sampal sa akin. Marahan, ngunit may matinding damdamin.
Hindi kita sinisisi, thankful pa nga ako, sapagkat somehow may napagsabihan ako ng mga problema.
Salamat, ha!?
Pero, bago ako magpaalam, let me tell you about this anecdote:
Napag-usapan namin ni Mama ang willingness ng asawa ko na mag-abroad. Ang aking ina kasi ang gagastos sa mga papeles niya. Hindi, kako, ako sigurado kung talagang determinado siyang mag-work overseas. Ni-relate ko ang mga naging away namin. Sabi o, handa na akong i-give up ang mga anak ko sa custody niya, kung bibiguin niya kami ni Mama. Iiwanan ko na sila. But, it doesn't mean, aabandunahin ko ang pagiging ama ko sa mga anak ko.
Full support sa akin ang aking ina. Sabi ko pa sa kanya, "Siguro naman may babae pang magmamahal sa akin." Naisip kita.
Next thing happened, ikinikuwento na kita sa kanya. Nag-confide ako sa kanya. "Gustong-gusto ko ang babaeng iyon kahit hindi ko pa nakikita."
Magalit ka na sa akin... pero totoo ang mag iyon.
Sana magkatagpo tayo. Paalam!
Kaibigan mo,

P.S.
Huwag ka na nga palang mag-response dahil ang address ko ay ang tirahan ng mga in-laws ko.
Enclosed herewith are the poems—'Hangganan' and 'Texting'.
Salamat!

                Then, I finalized the poem, ‘I Can, But I Can’t’. It will be given to Mj. This poem is a reflection of my self, of my attitudes, and of my feelings for Mj. I hope it will not be the root of our misunderstanding, like what had happened before. 
                Today is Zildjian 8th month birthday.
                I pursue writing my ‘Pahilis’. It was the ‘Loyalty Award’ before.  I have almost made two chapters. Chapter 13 is one of the loneliest chapters I have written. I just stopped when I’ve lost track of spontaneous, nice idea. Besides, I have to work in the kitchen. 
                When Jano arrived, he announced that Mj texted him. The latter said that I have to go there tomorrow.
                I finalized my letter (with poem) for Mj at past 8. Then, I followed the rewriting of my epistle for Myles. And, since, I was sleepless last night I was visited by drowsiness early.

November 4, 2007
                I got up at six-thirty and took in breakfast immediately. Later, I felt I was all 
alone. Uneasiness came next. I tried to have fun by attending Yoshimi, but it failed me. I also prepared the langka to be cooked for lunch, but after it, I still felt the same. I could not even bond with Mama because she was busy cleaning at the cliff of our house. I read some of the chapters of ‘Pahilis’, but it never helped. Thus, at 9AM, I decided to leave. 
                I think it was 10AM when I arrived at my parents-in-law’s house. Mj was a bit surprised to see me. She got even more surprised when I announced that we have to take Zildjian to a studio, so that he could have a solo picture. I have told it to Mama yesterday, I said.
                Past 11 when we left to Bayan. On the way to the studio, I told Mj about Mama’s willingness to give Zildjian a small handaan for his 8th month birthday last November 3 and to give her a surprise handa after going to Quiapo. I also explained why I disagreed to Mama. It’s because we’re facing a lot of gastusin. She did not comment. 
                We waited so long before the 5R pictures of Zildjian were handed down to us. We paid P95. It’s very expensive, but it’s worth it. Zildjian’s so cute. 
                Before buying milks and diapers at Super Palengke, we ate at a cheap eatery in Bayan. We got home at 2 PM. We’re so tired. I wanted to rest. Mj has headache. Minutes later, she found out that we mistakably bought Lactum 1+ Chocolate, which is not the usual drink of Hanna. Besides, it makes her poo every after she drinks it. We supposed to buy vanilla flavor. However, Mj unintentionally has commited a failure to grab the right one.
                I was forced to return and exchange it because it will just jeopardize us. Hanna won’t like it.
                I walked through Bayan.
                In Super Palengke, I met Taiwan and his mag-ina. They’re shopping. He had grabbed wrong milk, too. He had gotten Lactum 3+ for Yoshimi. He’s intended to get Lactum 1+ Vanilla, too. 
                However, Lactum 1+ is out of stock, so I have to exchange it to Bonakid.
                I’ve learned that Taiwan and his mag-ina were going home already in Golden Hills. Yet, I decided to eep it secret to Mj, who wanted to stay in Bautista. If it would be known to her, she’s going with us (Hanna and I). Note: We agreed upon earlier that my daughter would stay with me in Bautista.
                Although, I pity Mj, I can’t afford to fee her from the crisis they’re facing in their house because we, too, might experience it. Besides, I’m not sure if Mama would still give me money. I’m also ashamed to Gie and Jano. Living with them is too nakakailang.
                I told or directed Mj to pack Hanna’s stuffs up, so that we would not cram tomorrow. She then prepared her stuffs.
                We have to leave early tomorrow, though I knew there will be a few NBI clearance applicants, because Mj might vomit, if we leave after 9 AM.

November 5, 2007
                The alarm clock rang at 5:30. Mj and I were so sleepy. Yet, she closed her eyes again. I insisted her to get up, but she angrily said, “Kasi naman, e!” She then got up. 
                While having coffee, I asked her why she’s acting madly. She answered, “Wala kaya akong tulog.” I pity her. Thus, I understand her. 
                I think it was past 6:30 when we left their house. Then, we waited for a jeep to ride for more than 10 minutes. Then, traffic annoyingly delayed us. I was so mad. Plus, Hanna has a tantrum. She wanted to get down the jeep. 
                I think we consumed one hour till we arrived in J.P. Rizal. Good thing, traffic is not that terrible from Anonas to Quiapo. However, applicants were enormous. I was wrong. I thought it would have lesser NBI clearance applicants today. 
                Hence, we have been systematic. While Mj was on the Step 2, I was falling in line in the Step 3, which has the longest queue of all.
                We made it before eleven AM. However, Mj was told to come back on November 8. I was so disappointed. I thought of it as another expenses.
Mj wanted to eat at Jollibee. I told her that my money was only P300+. One half of it is for her fare on November 8. I proposed to eat at a turo-turo. After hearing it, she started to act weird. I hate it! I hate her every time she acts like that. But, I calmed myself. I did not say anything. We rode a jeep to Cubao without talking to each other. I knew she’s not feeling well and tat’s the reason why she’s acting tantrumatically.
In Cubao, we eat a combo meal (pansit and lumpia shanghai) for P18. I knew it would make her feel alright. But, it doesn’t. She’s still quiet till we go home. Good thing is she’s already fine when we arrived. 
Ten minutes after our arrival, I announced that we (Hanna and I) were leaving. Immediately, she prepared Hanna’s things and she dressed her.
On the way home, I remember that I have forgotten to hand down my letter for Mj. I have only given her in the morning my birthday note. Alas! It would be read by her late. 
We arrived at two. I was so hungry. Thus, I took in hot coffee and boiled cassava.  Later, Hanna was looking for Mj. She often searched for her mother, saying “Mama? Mama?” Good thing is we could divert her mind to other things like her new toy (magnetic alphabet), that she loves to stick on the fridge. 
Taiwan arrived before Jano and Gie’s arrival. Mama announced that Hanna’s with me because we’re immunizing her and Mj to live and sleep away from each other. It was a nice reason, but the sole reason was the crisis on my parents-in-law’s house, not to mention Nicole’s bullying to Hanna. 

November 6, 2007
                I got up early because I overheard that Mama was leaving early. Immediately, I took in breakfast. It was after the couple left.
                Before Mama left to St. Camillus (was going to meet the doctor, who scheduled her cyst operation), she gave me P100 for fish and coins as additional. I then asked her if she could drop by at Mj’s house and give the NBI clearance receipts, ID’s and my letter. She accepted it without disagreement. I also told her about Mj’s desire to stay here. Mama pitied her, but she couldn’t afford now to support the four of us here. So, we would tell Mj that she couldn’t stay here because Taiwan and his mag-ina were still here. 
                Eight, only Hanna and I were the people in this house. I felt empty. Sadness distracted me, especially when Hanna’s looking or asking for her Mama. I didn’t know what to do just to make her forget Mj. 
                I missed writing. I wanted to finish ‘Pahilis’, but I couldn’t find time to realize it. It’s due to Hanna. She needed to be taken cared of. It was Mj’s greatest request. 
                Worried I was to my children’s milk. I knew Mama felt the same way, too, especially to Mj’s fate of flying early. I knew she’s hoping for a quick leaving of my wife. 
                Diyang came in at 5. She said, “Nakita kita. Nakita kita,” as if I was hiding. I did not entertain her accommodatingly. I did not even regard her son. She has annoyed me especially when she queried me, “Dito na naman kayo?” Bakit?” She implied that I have no right to stay here. I was so tired dealing with a person like her. Good thing, she left immediately. I did not care if she said nothing before she disappreared. 
                When Jano and Gie arrived, they’re, as if, startled to know that Mama was not present. Jano said, “Kailangan pa ba talaga niyang magpaopera? Matanda na siya. Baka ‘di niya na kaya.” I did not say anything. It’s because his words annoyed me. 
                
November 7, 2007
                Hanna cried when she woke up. She’s asking and looking for her Mama. I just gave her milk to her her from crying. Then, I played with her. I entertained her, so that she’d forget Mj. However, she couldn’t take Mj away from her mind. Sometimes, I couldn’t do a thing, but to give her our family album. She’s so delighted seeing it. She loves to turn its pages without ending. I just stopped her
                I washed Hanna’s clothes and my three clothes, while taking care of her, who has been so makulit and malikot. 
                After lunch, we sleep. Past three, I got up. She followed after a while. 
                I got mad when I found out that Flor brought all the bath soap in Bukal. I suspected she meant it so that I could not have a bath. I really decided not to. I would only want to hand bath.
                Before the couple arrived, I enjoyed watching tv, when it was, I have learned how to make an organic shampoo. 
                1. Mix egg white, aloe vera gel and vitamin E gel.
                2. Refrigirate the mixture for 1 week. 
                Jano asked me what happened to our (Mj and I) lakad. Then, he queried if who’s gonna finance Mj’s pag-aabroad. I hesistantly said, ‘Mama’. He responsed, “Hindi. “Iyong placement?” I told him with annoyance that we’re going to look for a no-placement fee job.
                I knew what he means.
                I just wished Mama tells them about it. She’s the one, who was pursuing us to do this. Thus, she must let them know that she’s willing to help Mj financially. Besides, if Mj will succeed, she will I’m sure, redeem the pawned property of us because she liked it very much. She will not also forget who helped her. 
                I waited for Taiwan. He texted Jano that he’s going to go home here. He arrived at past 10.
                Eleven, when we turned off the lights and tv set.

November 8, 2007
                Taiwan woke u early. He was frying the leftover rice when I got up. Later we took breakfast.
                The whole day has been the same. Banning Hanna for dirty stuffs. Chasing after her. Scolding and bating her once in a while. Haay! She’ indeed naughty. Good thing, she has fallen asleep after I bathed her. Bad thing, she did not sleep after lunch. 
                Rodea came in at 3:30 PM. She kept on asking multifarious, nonsense things. I failed her. She hasn’t gotten any idea and news abut me, for I just replied ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or a mere nod. I think she’s been sensitive enough after my cold dealings with her. I hoped she has learned from this.
                Her father came in later, looking for Mama. I knew he wanted to sell the rope, he’s holding. When he learned that Mama’s not here, he left. He came back later, with rice and cans of sardines. He also gave Hanna two slices of cheap, no yummy brownies. I also did not deal with him nicely. Yet, I did not show any sacrilege to him. I just couldn’t forget his bad deeds to e and to Mj.
                When Jano and Gie arrived, the former immediately asked what I cooked. Good thing is I have cooked chicken adobo, as what he expected. They seemed happy, huh!
                
November 9, 2007
                Past seven when I got up. Minutes later, I was washing some of our (Hanna and mine) clothes. It was eight-thirty when I finished. 
                Before nine, Mj and Zildjian arrived unexpectedly. I didn’t get mad. I knew and understood that she missed Hanna so much.
                Nice thing, she has claimed her NBI clearance yesterday.
                I fried the left over rice and egg for our brunch.
                After lunch, she started to tell me that she wanted to stay here till Sunday. But, I disagree. I told her why she can’t stay here for long. It’s because Mama didn’t give me enough budget. It’s a shame for the couple if the four of us will be here. Thus, she blackmailed me that she will take Hanna home tomorrow. I, of course disagreed. But, I knew she couldn’t carry both—Zildjian and Hanna, not to mention their stuffs. 
                Afternoon, she told me to look for a job. It was when I started to be rattled. I understand her. Thus, I craved to search for one.
                Four, she actually decided to leave Hanna to my care tomorrow, but she wanted shifting on Monday. I have to leave Hanna to her. “Okay,” I said.
                When the couple arrived, they didn’t ask about Mj’s NBI clearance. Minutes later upon the arrival, I borrowed Jano’s cp, so that I could inform Ate Divine. I told her that I would go there on Monday to get the money. She replied before I sleep.
                In doing this, I used to power on my sim card. I received Myles’ message. “Gud am.” She sent this day, 12 noon or something. I then realize that she’s not stopping to contact me. I also asked myself. Is she really interested to me?
                I wanted to text her, but I decided not to, because I didn’t not want to ruin Mj’s determination of going abroad. If she learns about it, she will surely change her mind.
                We sleep before 11 PM because Hanna wanted to watch tv still. She’s been pasaway before she has fallen asleep.

Novemeber 11, 2007
                Our sleeps were disturbed due to the noises made by the working couple, but it’s okay.
                We got up after they left. 
                After breakfast, I swept dried leaves outside. Then, I asked Mj what time she’s going home. She said, “Bukas na lang.” I was so furious. Yet, I did not show it. I diverted myself. I kept quiet, however I couldn’t bear it.
                Before ten, I announced, “Paliguan mo na si Zildjian para makauwi na kayo.” She replied, “Isasama ko si Hanna.” I was already decided to sacrifice my happiness. Thus, I said, “Isama mo.” She immediately prepared. 
                She’s so hardheaded. I just wanted her to leave with Zildjian. We agreed upon it yesterday, but all of a sudden, she changed her mind. 
                She didn’t understand me and my situation. I told her yesterday that I have no money to feed them here during their stay. Although, Jano is my brother, of course, I’m ashamed to rely on him.
                My decision is final… I will go back to Bulan, temporarily forget my children and leave the responsibilities to Mj or to her family. 
                This is what she wanted.
                She didn’t indeed want to work abroad. She’s just napilitan. Look. Yesterday, she said, “Paano kung magbago ang isip ko?” It was when we’re talking about working abroad.
                Her mind was not yet set in working overseas. She’d rather be with our children forever. I have proven it when Auntie Vangie offered her a work in their garment factory.
                Before they left at 10:10 Am, I remember a known quotation. It is ‘Behind every successful man is a woman.” It’s applicable to me. I now understand why I was not successful because my partner is not that understanding, supportive, and appreciative to me. We didn’t mutually complete each other. Our relationship will not work. Thus, I have to set her free. 
                I pity Hanna and Zildjian. I didn’t know how Mj could bear them and a bag. My baby boy was on her right hand. Her bag was on her left shoulder. Hanna? She’s going to walk.
                I was force to get them a ride. I saw Hanna’s sad eyes, when she found out that only the three of them would go and I would b left alone. 
                I wanted to write a farewell letter for Mj, but I have to talk to Mama first. I have to consult her about it. Her blessing is what I needed.
                I felt all alone. I was very sad, minutes after they’re gone. This is not the first time I have encountered this, but it was the loneliest.
                To revive myself, I reorganized our things. I did pag-eempake. I kept out gamit, especially my children’s. Any moment I will leave t Bulan. However, it did not make me feel good. It just worsened my sadness.
                After lunch, I spent my time watching tv. It somehow lessened the melancholy. But, the truth is I was crying without tears. 
                I didn’t know what to do. I pity Mj. I pity my children, too. I didn’t want them to grow in a broken family. I always crave for a happy home. But, it’s Mj’s fault. 
                I taught myself to love her because of pity and of my children. I’m wasting, however, my time with her. She didn’t cooperate with me. Thus, I am now teaching myself to forget her. I will never mind our past. The good times. The bad times. The laughter. The problems that we go through. The crisis and happiness we feel… I am now heartless for her. She doesn’t deserve me. She doesn’t deserve my love, as well. I deserve someone who could support, understand, and appreciate me. Like, Myles? Huh! I don’t know. As of now, my decision is yet revocable. All I want this very time is to escape from this misery. I want to find myself in Bulan. I opted that town because it’s my hometown. I’m comfortable there. Besides, it is like a healer for me. Every time I was down, I was staying in Bulan. There’s a healing power that inhabits in that town, indeed. So, I have to stay there for a certain time and let myself healed. Besides, I wanted to see Myles. She’s always in my mind. She’s so interesting. I want to be her friend. I wanted to find if she will be the one…
                If Mj is not for me, who would it be? If we’re not meant for each other, would still have someone for me? If ever I find that woman, I want her to be supportive, understanding, and appreciative.         
                Understanding. She must be understanding to me. I often commit mistakes and get disappointed, but if she will understand me, I will not be as hurt as whiplashed one. She must understand what I wanted to convey, my shortcomings, my dispositions, and my situation.
                Appreciative. She must know hoe to appreciate my writings, artworks, small successes, my hobbies, my activities, and everything about me. She must not put me down. 
                Mary Jane is not understanding. I don’t know if she’s just busy or really a fool. She always breaks my heart, in a way of not entrusting my daughter to my care. She did it, but with doubt, and in a very short period of time.
She’s not appreciative. I have got a lot of literary pieces, but she’s not interested to read one. I only was waiting one day she borrows one of my writings and read it. 
                She’s not supportive. She’s just pushing me to work, but she doesn’t understand that I was looking for my self-esteem, that she took away from me, and destructed by working at EMCI. 
                I don’t have any nerves to tell her that I was told to train as a security guard by the security guards at Eastland, where I worked. I knew she will not support me. I would rather relate it to my friend, Myles.
                Miles away… There’e so many miles away…
                If she’s only here…
                Watching tv entertained me. I have temporarily forgotten my ill feeling.
                The couple arrived early at 8 PM. They looked for Hanna. Jano immediately announced that Mj texted him. However, he didn’t give me his phone yet, because I was doing something in the kitchen. He handed it to me after I have done it.
                Mj was asking if I want to apply on Monday at the Mall of Asia. She stated that SM Morong, SM Angono, and SM Marikina are looking for office staffs. I’m interested, but I’m still angry. I don’t want to revoke my decision.
                Before I totally fall to a deep sleep, I asked God for a sign. If Mama arrives tomorrow, I will go to Mj’s house. But, if she arrives not, I will not go there. I also asked for right mind. 

November 11, 2007
                Very early in the morning, I was already wide awake, yet I stayed under my blanket. I moved side by side in despair. I was still in chaos.
                I was expecting for Mama, but she did not arrive. So, it means God wanted me to stay and mind not the job opportunity at SM. However, I was thinking of my career, which was in the lowest level. I wanted to secure a job here. And, I don’t want to go fishing in Bulan, when I go there. Most of all, I am still hoping that someday Mj changes her attitude and outlook in life. I think I can’t afford to spoil of almost 4 years of togetherness, for our children’s sake. On the other side of my mind, I was thinking of Myles. I don’t know if she can accept me if I court her. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want even to get a rock and hit my head. I am now so weak. And, what I was thinking is just a sort of insanity. 
                I started to feel boredom after breakfast. I washed the dishes. Read a magazine. I rewrote my resume. I wrote a journal. I waited for nothing. Haay! It’s still here. I wanted to escape, but where? I wanted to hide, but where? I really don’t know where to go, what to do.
                Then, I found myself lying down. I found a solace in Flor’s room. There, I think of those things. I pondered the situation. However, I never had a final decision. I was still hanging on a ravine of confusion. I also realized that Myles contributed to it. She’s one of the reasons why I was planning to go to Bulan.
                After lunch, I stayed again in that room. I took a nap when I got tired of thinking. And, when I got up, I was rushing myself in going to Rancho. I couldn’t understand myself. I was not interested in that job, but why I have to see Mj and my children this day? It’s answered by me when I arrived there at 3:30.
                Mj immediately teased me. “Miss mo ako, ‘no?” My reply startled her. She couldn’t believe it. I told her I was only there to get my clothes and stuffs because I was going to Bulan soon. She already knew my intention and its consequences. She said, “Pag umalis ka, hindi mo na kami makikita.” She threatened me, but for me, it was not a threat. I then told her the reason –one of the reasons. It’s because I couldn’t see ant determination from her. She was just napilitan. She became silent. Thus I stopped. 
                I knew she got hurt. But, the truth is I’m more hurt than her. I was leaving with nothing. Aye! I would leave her, but our children would stay with her.
                This thought is painful. In fact, I was crying underneath the pillow. I couldn’t abandon my children, indeed…
                I will not really…
                I will do my best to earn, so that I can send them… where ever I am.
                After dinner, Mj asked me, “O, bakit hindi mo pa hinanda ang mga damit mo?” It sounds that she already accepted the fact. “Bukas na,” I answered. 
                
November 12, 2007
                Past 8, I left to Pasig City. But before that I went to Antipolo City Post Office and dropped n my letter for Maila.  I think it was nine AM when I arrived at Eastland. While waiting, I roughly drafted a letter for Mj. It says like this:

Mary Jane,
                Hindi biglaan ang desisyong ito, pero nabigla ako sa sarili ko dahil kaya ko palang malayo sa mga bata. Although, marami nang beses na binalak kong hiwalayan ka, hindi ko rin magawa dahil kay Hanna (noon) o sa mga bata (ngayon). Pero, this time, pinilit ko lang tanggapin na mawawalay ako sa kanila. 
                I’m sorry.
                Kailanman, hindi tayo magiging maligaya hangga’t ganyan ka o ganito tayo. Tinutulungan na nga tayo ni Mama para magkaroon tayo ng masaya at maginhawang buhay, pero ikaw naman ay kung ano-ano ang mga iniisip at mga inaakto. Pabago-bago ang isip mo.
                Hindi mo ako minsan inuunawa, samantalang alam mo naman ang kalagayan ko. Nagpapatalo ka kaagad sa emosyon mo. Dati, nagalit ka dahil hindi kita isinasama sa Bautista. Nagait ka rin noong kami lang ni Hanna ang kumain sa Jollibee. Hindi mo rin ako kinibo noong wala na kong trabaho at hindi ko pa nakuha ang sa paluwagan ko. At, noong Sabado lang, bigla mo na lang inuwi si Hanna.
                Konti lang ‘yan sa mga sakit na dinulot mo sa akin. Kaya, may rason ako kung bakit ako lalayo.
                Oo! Lalayo ako, pero hindi ko inaabandona ang mga anak ko. Anak ko sila. Ikaw ang ina nila. Dapat alam natin ‘yan.
                Sisikapin kong kumita upang maisuporta sa mga bata. At, sana mangarap ka rin para sa kanila. Mangarap ka rin para sa sarili mo. Kung hindi sana tayo humantong sa ganito, tayong dalawa sana ang sabay na mangangarap para sakanila.
                Alam ko, kaya mong ibigay ang mga pangangailangan ng mga bata dahil noon mo pa ako hinahamong makipaghiwalay sa’yo, na para bang okay lang na wala ako. Sabi mo pa nga noong nakaraang araw, “Wala ka ang karapatan sa mga bata hangga’t ‘di sila tumutuntong sa edad na 7 taon.” Anong ibig mong sabihin? Samantalang, ang usapan natin noon ay ang pag-aabroad mo.
                Tungkol sa pag-aabroad mo, alam mo bang kaya naman talagang gastusan ang pag-alis mo? Wala lang akong makitang determinasyon sa’yo. Isinanla ni Mama ang lupa para magamit niya sa pagpapagamot niya. Gustong-gusto niyang tulungan tayo financially at physically. Kay, gusto niyang gumaling. Puwede pa sanang magpadagdag ng sanla kung talagang kailangan o walang mahanap na ‘No placement’, pero ano ngayon? Wala na! Inuna mo pa ang maling kaisipan at kilos mo. 
                Uuwi ako sa Bulan para hanapin ang sarili ko. Bubuuin ko rin ang kumpiyansa ko sa sarili.
                Naniniwala akong behind every successful man is a woman. Alam ko na kung bakit hindi ako naging successful sa career ko. Dahil hindi ka supportive sa akin. Ikaw pa minsan ang nag-down sa akin. Hindi mo naa-appreciate ang ibang bagay tungkol sa akin. Wala kang pang-unawa. Mapanghanap ka.
Ngayon, handa na akong harapin ang buhay na malao sa’yo at sa mga anak ko. Alam kong mahirap magsimula, pero kakayanin ko. Para rin kasi ito sa mga bata, na hindi lang gatas at diaper ang pangangailangan. Mag-aaral pa ang mga iyan.
                Hindi ko isinasara ang puso at buhay ko para sa’yo. Ikaw pa rin ang ina ng mga anak ko. Ikaw pa rin ang Mary Jane na nakasama ko for almost 4 years at nagbigay sa akin ng dalawang wonderful kids. Hindi ko kailanman kalilimutan ang ating mga pinagdaanang hirap, sakit, krisis, problema, lungkot, saya, ginhawa, away, at iba pa.
                Nandito lang ako…
                Saan man tayo dalhin ng pagkakataon, may dalwang anak na mag-uugnay sa atin. Magiging masaya ako ‘pag nalaman kong naging masaya ka at naging maunlad dahil wala ako. Mag magiging maligaya ako kapag alam kong napapabuti sina Hanna at Zildjian sa piling mo, sa piling ng pamilya mo.
                Mahal na mahal ko sila. Alam na alam mo ‘yan. Kaya, ayaw kong malaman na naaapi sila’t napapabayaan.
                Napakabuti mong ina. Marahil, iyan ang dahilan kung bakit humantong tayo sa ganito.
                Be strong. Hindi ako malaking kawalan sa buhay mo. Kung meron mang dapat na masaktan, ako iyon. Bakit? Dahil wala sa piling ko ang mga anak ko.
                Masakit ang desisyong ito para sa akin, pero dahil pagod na ako, kailangan na natin ng space, where we can move on. Let us set ourselves free.
                Goodbye! I will miss you—the three of you! Thanks for everything!
                                                                                                                                Tsups!
                                                                                                                                Froilan   

                While writing this, my tears wanted to fall. I just hindered them from falling.
                Exact 10 AM, Ate Divine approached me. She then handed me the money and I left after saying ‘Thank you!’
                In Bayan, I phoned on Mama. I have learned that she and Lola Alice would be operated on November 22, 2007 and her right ear was diagnosed as incapable of hearing.Thus, she needs hearing aid. Afterwards, she asked me, how’s my life. I replied, ”Heto, gusto nang umuwi ng Bulan.” And, I told her why. She suddenly bade goodbye and promised to see me tomorrow in Bautista. I understand her. She only didn’t want to talk about it over the phone. 
                Then, I bought milk and diapers for Hanna. Zildjian has still milk. I also purchased red flower earrings for my daughter as a remembrance of this situation. 
                Before I totally arrived at my parents-in-law’s house at 1:30 PM, I pursued rough drafting and crying. I found myself at Ynares Covered Court. Finally, I have rewritten it. 
                At their house, Nanay directed Mj to serve me lunch. The latter did, but I was sorry. I said, “Kumain na ako.” I appreciate them.
                Instead, I gathered all my clothes and stuffs. I also cuddled up Zildjian and kissed him several times.
                Next, I brought up Hanna to a store. On the way, I talked to her, as if she could understand our situation. I told her that I was leaving to a far land. This is my exact statement: “Aalis si Papa, ha? Kakain ka nang marami. Wag kang pasaway kay Mama. Pag inaway ka nina Ate Nicole mo, ganti ka, ha?Marunong ka pa bang mangagat? Kagatin mo sila ‘pag inaway ka, ha? Pero, ‘wag kang mangangagat ‘pag ‘di ka nila inaaway. Wag kang magpapaapi…” She was repeating the last words I was saying. I continue. “Aalis si Papa. Doon sa malayo. Matagal pa bago tayo magkita. Baka malaki ka na. Tatawag ako sa’yo, ha? Tulad dati, ‘di ba? Kinakausap kita. Sabi mo nga, I love you, Papa. Sige nga, mag-I love you ka nga kay Papa..” She said, “Dabo!” I then kissed her. I’m sure I will miss her. We finally bought jelly ace.
                One-thirty-five, I was set and ready to leave. Thus, without further ado, I did three things: (1) I showed respect and courtesy to Nanay by saying “Nay, uwi na po ako,” where she replied, “O, sige,” (2) I handed down my ultimo adios to Mj, who was so sad and quiet, and (3) I kissed my son and my daughter. Hanna didn’t cry. The gelatin really helped. I indeed didn’t want her to cry because it would only hurt me much. 
                Seven-thirty, we watched the premiere of Princess Sarah. I suddenly remember Hanna while Christopher Crew and his princess-daughter were singing like ‘Ngiti ka lang… Ngiti ka lang.” I love it. I love that soundtrack. I hope Hanna’ watching, too. 
                Jano told me that Myles texted, he also related that the latter was borrowing for load. Funny. But, I knew she was thinking that number is mine. 
                Later, I texted her using Taiwan’s cp. I told her that I already have sent the snail mail and that I was about to go to Bulan. Bad thing is Taiwan’s load got ‘check op’. She texted again, “Oi.” She indeed wanted to converse with me. Alas! I don’t have a mobile phone. 
                I missed cellphone.
Before I fell to sleep, I prayed to God. I asked Him to give Mj a right mind.

November 13, 2007
                I got up at 6:40. And, before having breakfast, I swept dried leaves outside. Later, I started washing clothes. I finished doing this at 8:30. And, I was free and occupied. I just waited for Mama’s arrival.
I could also feel that Mj would arrive. I didn’t get me wrong. She came in with Hanna at 9:30 AM. 
After I kissed Hanna many times, I asked, “Bakit?” She said no words. She just cried. But, she resisted herself. Later, we don’t talk to each other. She was waiting for my approach. I was waiting, too, for her opening lines. I also knew that she has a letter for me. But, she didn’t hand it to me. 
Ten AM, Mama arrived. She immediately talked to Mj. She used fine words just to show her that she didn’t like us to separate because of our son and daughter.
                Mama also told me her disagreement about my idea of going to Bulan, but I did not explain yet.
               We eat lunch quietly, without talking to each other.
                Hanna has been the noise-maker. She saved us from melancholic afternoon.
               Later, Mama gave me P2000. One thousand is for my medication and SS contributions. She wanted me to pursue my SSS by self-employment.
                Before four, Mj and Hanna left. I was forced to talk to Mj. “Ano? Mag-a-abroad ka ba pa?” She replied, “Bakit? Umayaw ba ako?” She tried to smile at me, but I showed her no joy about what I’ve heard. Instead, I handed down her the P300 for her birth certificate. I told her to search or look for an employer as soon as possible through internet.
                She left without regards. It’s okay.
                Then, I talked to Mama. I explained to her why I wanted to go to Bulan. At first, she was thinking that it’s because of a girl I related to her days ago. I tried to convince her by telling that it’s because I have to gain weight there and to earn for my kids’ milks.
                I succeeded at &. It was after I have explained clearly my reasons.
                Flor, Taiwan, Gie, and Jano already knew about it. Jano said, “Bakit sa Bicol pa. Andito ang trabaho.” I replied, “Makakapagtrabaho kaya ako?” Thus, I was forced to tell them about my plan of being a security guard or a police. At first, they think it’s not so good for me, but when I related all about my security guard-friends’ advises and Tito Sam’s suggestion, they somehow agreed. I told them that Tito Sam is right that “Kapag hindi ka nag-succed sa una, gawin mo ang pangalawa.” Note: This is not his exact words.)
                He’s right! I wasn’t successful in other field, thus I must try another field.

November 14, 2007
                I got up eraly because I have come to a final decision. I wanted to go to Bulan today. I told it to Mama. With a bit of explanation, I have got her agreement.
                Next thing happened, she was giving me some pointers to do or say when I arrive there. And, since I already kept our things, what I only did was packing my clothes to be brought to Bulan. 
Nine, I went to Veterans and bought viand.
While cooking, Mama and I talked endlessly. We tackled everything. But, the most interesting topic she opened up was about cellphone. She wanted me to have one, so that I could have a contact with my mag-iina, especially to Hanna, who’s starting to converse over the phone. We agreed upon it. We would but in Cubao, before I ride on a bus.
                Before twelve, mama and I left Bautista. We parted ways in Gate 2. She went directly to Cubao for a purpose. I went, however to my parents-in-law’s house. There, Mj and Nanay have known about my pag-uwi. They think that I wasn’t permitted by Mama. I could see Mj’s sadness. She, in fact, tried to stop me, but I failed her. I left at past 1. She’s so quiet and sad.               
                In Cubao, Mama was waiting for me. She’s been at Alimall long ago. Thus, we rushed in looking for a cellphone center. We find Slasher, where we purchased a secondhand Nokia 6103 for P2700. Mama has been abunado for P200. She’s so kind, indeed. Imagine. Mj was given P1000 by her yesterday. She, then bought me cellphone although were in the midst of financial crisis, although she needs money for her medications or operation or we need money for Mj’s papeles. Haay! She really wanted me to stay connected with my family.
Three-thirty when the bus geared up toward SLEX. Meann, my kapitbahay in Iraya, called out for my name inside the bus. What a coincidence!? We talked a little. Then, I set myself in my seat.
Myles misscalled me at 6:30 PM. Then, she immediately texted me, saying “Ngaun na pala ang uwi mo. Pasalubong ko, ha?!” I wanted to reply, but I have no load. Thus, I waited for the stopover.
The bus stopped over at past 7. I bought a load and typed a message for Myles. Unfortunately, poor signal interrupted. Until, my battery became empty. I got mad. I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for myself, too. 
In lieu, I catch some sleep. Good thing is I succeed to get one.

November 15, 2007
                Six, I arrived at Sia’s residence. I was startled to see Auntie Belen there, who was talking to Mama Leling and Papay Benson. But, I didn’t show it. I found myself conversing with them. It was after they have learned about Mama and my intention.
                Later, Auntie was preaching, as if she is a pastora. She talked about the power of prayer in everyday life, especially in sickness. She’s not bagay. I knew her karakas.
After breakfast, Aileen, Erick, and I went to fishpond. But, before that he and I conversed about call center. He has learned about me and I have learned about him. At least, he’s not that airy. He’s now looking high at me. So do I at him.  
Malas talaga! Aileen’s charger is not compatible to my cellphone. I tried to borrow to Nonoy Genito, but I failed to.
Later, Lolo Aton, Auntie Leny and her husband, and Papay Bading came in. They all asked particular questions about me. I have no time to converse with them for long time because Aileen left Skye to my care. Whew! Her son is so hard to attend to. So, when I have had a chance to flee from him, I did. I went upstairs, however I never caught a sleep because I wrote my journal entry for Nov. 14. 
I looked guisadong kalabasa and later washed the dishes. These are my usual activities here, since then.
After doing these, I took a bath and then I texted Myles. She wanted to meet me at 7 PM. At first, I declined because I was ashamed, however when my load became zero balance I decided to see her and her sister-in-law, Sharon, who is my ex-classmate in RGCC.
I biked through their ID shop. Sharon was only there. We talked and regarded each other. Later, I met Myles. She was with a man. I was so shy to converse with her, although she’s fun to be with. She’s so kalog. She started to call me Kuya. 
Past three, Leonisa, our classmate, arrived. After our exchanges of words, Myles’ father arrived. He’s so kind and accommodating. He talked to us. Later, he told us to have a merienda at their house in Obrero.
The four of us went there. On the way, I have had a chance to talk to Myles. We talked about my letter for her, which was noy yet on her hands. I told her that I would be ashamed when it arrives. I might not see her again. 
We had our snack on their house. Myles continued her antics. She often says ‘Nakapakatahimik ni Kuya. Pag sa text, ang haba.”
The truth is I don’t have something to say.
She left us at 5:30. Minutes later, I bade goodbye to Sharon and Leonisa. But, before I left, they assure me that they will text me morrow, if Bernadette will arrive.
Past six when I arrived home. It was late because I canvassed for a 6103 charger and due to rain.
Later, I borrowed P100 from Aileen, so that I could buy charger.
Seven-thirty, I have purchased a Nokia charger for P120.
Past eight, Myles texted me. She was asking what I was doing. Bad thing is I have no load and I couldn’t have tonight because of my purchased charger. 
Mama Leling was rushed to hospital because she had diarrhea. She’s also vomiting. I pity her. I then asked God for her healing.
Eleven when I fell asleep.

Novemeber 16, 2007
                A text message from Myles woke me up at 5:19 AM, but I caught sleep again till I got up at seven. 
                I then did kitchen works.
                I stayed upstairs doing nothing, but venturing my Nokia 6103.
                Ten, I helped Papay Benson in drying his palay grains. It scared me. Drying is a tough and itchy job. I would be occupied today, especially when it will be put back on the sacks.
Past eleven when I was at the shore to sight-see and guard Eking, who was swimming, Myles texted me. I was then forced to buy load. However, I did not spare more load when I told her that I have something to do. The truth is I don’t know what to say.
I also texted Mary Ann, but she didn’t reply. Alas! She can help me find a job. She can tell me if I can apply at the rural bank, where she was working.
After lunch, I washed the dishes and went after to dilly-dally. I spent time doing nothing, except for thinking.
Past three, I was called to help Papay Benson save the palay grains from being wet by the coming rain. Geeh! My sweats fell over my body. We have done it as past five. 
While taking a rest, I rode a bike and went somewhere else. I also used my cellphone in two purposes: (1) texting Myle, and (2) taking pictures. I always love to take pictures of God’s creations.
Then, at six, Ate Quennie and I conversed. I regarded her new teaching job. I’m happy that she’s now teaching. We talked about Mathematics, she was handling
After taking a bath, Nonoy Genito told me that he needs me on his English assignment. I commit on him. It would be an income. 
  After dinner, the rain fell. Alas! I wanted to go to Inararan because Gigi, my friend, invited me to have a drinking session at their house. However, it’s impossible now. We will have bonding, after so many years. 
I decided to stay at home and sleep instead. However, Myles texted me. She waned to do it inlimitedly. Thus, she gave me load. 
We end it up at past 10. 
Auntie Vangie sent this: “F evr ufnd it hard 2 sleep 2nyt, dnt count sheep, instead talk 2 d shepherd… Lay ur burdens upon Him… and nothing will disturb u…Gudnyt.” I replied her, sending a good night quote, too.
Then, I wondered whom she has gotten the idea that I could now be contacted. I thought it’s Mama. 

November 17, 2007
                At seven, Papay Benosn searched for me, so that the rotten langka would be picked. I was forced to get up. Funny, it was, he climbed the tree and cut the fruit. Irksome, it was, he started to speak ill against me and Kuya Bambi. I was so annoyed.  
                To avoid from getting bad words from him, I initiatively took care of doing it. I gathered all the useful fleshes that would be candied. Then, I helped Delon to sack the palay. My annoyance was easily vanished, but I hoped it would not happen again. 
                Before ten, Kuya Eric and I bonded while deboning the bolinao fishes. He would make them into kilawin. We talked several topics. But, the most interesting one was the idea of island hopping. 
                Past 10, I started cooking. I cooked rice and pinakbet. I fried fishes. And, I cooked Bicol express. Haay! I was so tired. I experienced terrible sweating. Good thing I my dishes were highly commended. 
                Twelve, Kuya Japi and his co-worker, and Ate Jennilyn, and her daughter, Jingjing arrived.
                After lunch, I went upstairs to get some rest. One-thirty, I was called by Auntie Belen. We would start cooking. 
                Before three, I have cooked a yummy pancit canton. It’s for Charity’s birthday. Eric cooked ginataan.  
                Myles and Sharon wanted some of these for their snacks, but I really couldn’t leave because Papay Benson might get angry, if he finds me not. He’s a bossy and hasty one. 
It was five when I have taken a bath because I have to cool down my tired 
body. 
Six, I started to cook. Geeh! Whole day cooking is indeed exhausting. However, it made me full.
Past nine, I began to sleep. 

November 18, 2007
Irksome cry of Jingjing woke us all up. She was suffering from a terrible toothache. It made me sleepless. Plus, the leaving of Kuya Japi at 3 AM contributed to it. Good Thing, they’re gone before 3:30 AM, together with Ate Jennilyn ang his crying daughter.
Six-thirty when I got up. I knew I was sleepless, but it was fine.
Minutes later, I was working in the kitchen. I cooked and cooked and cooked.
Ten, Auntie Belen invited me to go to Bethel Temple Church together with Kuya Eric. Without further ado, I dressed up. 
              Past ten when we arrived at the church. I was so shy to come in. the Sunday Service was taking place. It was given by Pastor 
Steve. So, my shame was just temporal.
I listened to the pastor’s preach. I could say that he’s now a good preacher. He has touched me, especially when he was leading the prayer. My tears fell. Holy Spirit revived my soul. I could feel it.
                I attended Sunday school, which was facilitated by Sis. Mila Morata. She tackled about worship. I’ve learned a lot from her.
                After that, I was greeted by Faith Morata. She regarded me and my few facts of life. Then, she told me, “Nasa akin pa rin ‘yung binigay mong…” She was talking about an artwork, I gave her when I became a vacation Bible school teacher. Wow! She kept it. It gladdened me. She invited me to join the church’s anniversary on Sunday. 
                I dined in at Lola Bening’s house, while Auntie, Kuya Eric, Auntie Euni, Tito Wen, and Lola Bening were talking. Sometimes they talk and ask about me. 
                Before two, we left the church. We then dropped by at the King’s Tailoring. I accompanied Kuya Eric in Xerox shop and in Queen’s Terminal. On the way, I dropped by at Homo’s ID Shop. Myles was there.
                Past two when we got home. Kuya Eric and I bonded in our supposed lunch. Later, Nonoy Genito came in to be tutored by me. I faced his two pages activity sheets in English. I have done it quickly. However, he disappointed me. He just thanked me. But, it’s okay. It’s not that hard. Besides, extending help is free. 
                Then, I washed my clothes.
                Next, I texted Mj. She texted Aileen this morning, so I have no choice, but to tell her about my cellphone. I’ve also learned from her that they haven’y gone in Bautista because our kids have fever. She stopped replying when I told her, “Nku… Bhla k ndmiskarte jan. Humingi n u ng 2long. D2 lng aq. Ppunta lng aq jn pg mlapit n u umlis…Ppunta-punta dn c Mama jn pero wg u asahan ha kc mlayo cia at my work.”
                I also replied to padi Glenn’s text message.
                Past 4, I started cooking. While cooking, I was texting to Bernadette. She and Sharon and Leonisa were at Sabang Park. She invited me. Bad thing is I couldn’t join them. I was busy cooking. 
                Our planned of island hopping was postponed due to rain or bad weather.
                Today, I started to feel the presences of Auntie Belen and Kuya Eric. Their bad records to me were slowly wiped off. I hoped I only have made wrong impressions. They’re nice pala.

November 19, 2007
                I cooked sauteed misua with mackerel and patola for breakfast. I could now accept my role here because no one is willing to shift me. They’re hoping for me. But,
it is okay. I’m not a guest here, so I have to serve them. 
                I never missed my kids, but I was planning to go back to Antipolo. I would not have an income here. I’m always tired and occupied, but I couldn’t earn even a centavo.
                Past 4, I started cooking and preparing our dinner. It was past five when I’ve noticed Mj’s text messages, which she sent almost one hour ago. She said, “Ask q lng kung ok n b ulit tau o wla n? D kc clear skn bgo u umalis.” I replied, “It depends upon u.” She didn’t answer back.
                It was six when I finished cooking. Minutes later, Padi Glenn texted me. I replied at him. I have learned that Sierra, his gf will come home this Christmas, and Rean, our classmate, is now in Taiwan. I wanted to know more about her so that I could ask help for Mj’s pag-aabroad. But, padi didn’t know well about her. Alas!
                Mj texted me at 7:37 PM. She said, “Nbyrn q n pla NSO knna bli rn me mlk n diaprs. Pno un wla n money 4 d passport.” I replied, “Ok. Sna mgawan u ng paraan n makaalis kn, At pra rn mkbalik n aq jn. Wla n me load. Nyt.”
                Before I sleep, myles and I exchanged a good night text messgaes. She was the last one who greeted me. It goes like this, “He he Gudnyt dn. Ingat. Kta tau bukas ng 7pm s skul. Tnxt q c Pelingo, wla p dw dumting n sulat.”
               
November 20, 2007
I was awakened by their noises. But, I did not get up immediately. I stayed under my blanket. Bad thing is Eking pestered me.
Seven-thirty when I got up. They’re already eating breakfast. So, I did. I was like a king. I have been a king for the first time. However, I have been a slave again at past 10. Cooking and preparing their or our foods is my major duty. 
I was thinking of going to Lucena and staying there till Mary Jane is about to fly. There, I know I will have easier works that here.
Past one, I have fallen asleep. I got up T 3:30. Not bad. Then, I took a bath. I knew I would be the cook again this evening.
I found myself cooking despite of its hardship. Though, I wanted to leave I could not do it. I couldn’t afford to be scolded by Papay Benson.
Good thing is my cookings are always appreciated. Kuya Eric often compliments the yumminess of my niluto. In addition, they’re always ubos. It’s only what drives me to cook and to be patient. 

November 21, 2007
                Past seven, I bought load, so that I could text Auntie Vangie a ‘Gud morning’, as a reply to her message last night. I did it before we (Auntie Belen, Eking, and I) left to Polot. 
                In Polot, we stayed awhile in the public library, where Auntie Leny was working. She and Auntie were talking about certain issue of ewan, while eking and I were browsing and scanning some magazines. I opted magazines that showcase houses. I longed for a home, then. I wished I own one of them.
                Next thing happened, I ran errand. Then, we took pictures of the cut trees to be used as evidences by Lolo Aton against Lola Lipin.
                Eleven, I was already at Auntie Leny’s house, waiting for the lunch.
                Past one, we left to Lola Banday’s house. On the way, I met Remus and Daba. She was startled to see me. Daba and I conversed for a while. 
                At Lolo Aton’s house, I ran errands again.
                It was 2:30 when we left Polot and 3 PM when we got home. I immediately eat because I was not contented with my lunch at Auntie Leny’s house.
                Tired, I was, thus I tried to take a nap. However, a text message woke me up at 5. It startled me. It was time na pala to prepare our dinner. Haay! I have no choice, but to get up, though my body wanted to rest. 
                Past six, I was done cooking. I have had a chance to text Myles and Daba. The last girl advised me to get well and to gain weight. And, the first wanted to meet me tomorrow night at 7 PM in RGCC. I did not commit. 
                Past nine when I closed my eyes.

November 22, 2007
                Eight, I have done cooking. I went upstairs afterwards.
                I texted Happy, responsing her text messages last night. I have learned that she’s training at Puregold Valenzuela and a lot more.
                Minutes later, I overheard Papay Benson speaking ill. He said. “Puro may sakit sa bato an mga lalaki didi… Nagtitiripon lang didi pag makaraon.” It hurts me much. He couldn’t see my efforts. I’m not expecting a reward from him. I only wanted an appreciation. Thus, I was now thinking of going back to Antipolo. I also considered staying few days in Lucena. But, I have to contact Auntie Emole first.
                I asked God why it was happening to me. Everywhere I go misery is always on my way. I was crying to Him. Then, I pity myself. I also remembered my dream last night.
                I have packed our things in the bags and boxes. Mj was there. Our kids were not there. She’s quiet and just looking at me. Minutes later, Jano came in and he spoke words that ignited me to burst anger. I cried while saying some of these, “Hindi ko kayo kailangan!”, “Sino ba kayo?”, “Akala n’yo kung sino kayo.” Lalayas kami.” But, before we did, Jano left with his bag. He said nothing. I knew he shed a tear. Next thing happened, I was shouting to Mj. I blamed her. I said, “Hiwalay na tayo.” Then, I found myself on a bridge. Onlookers started to gather around. Speculations were made. Some are sympathetic. Some were irksome. I could see Mj down the creek. I also could see our bags and boxes of things. I counted mine. It was six. Mj’s bags and boxes were four in all. “I don’t know,” I said. The truth is I don’t know where to go and how to carry those six. All of a sudden, I burst a loud cry. My sipon and laway were falling. I was then calling for Mama many times. “Mama! Mama!” She arrived immediately. Taiwan was the one who accompanied her. Then, she wiped my tears and embraced me.
                I woke up with tears in my eyes. I wondered what did it means. It was 4 PM. When I did not find answers, I slept again.
                However, my dream is now clear to me. It has something to do with this misery. Mj is the sole reason why I am here and why I was experience this. I was crying because I felt deprived. Those words I said were the words of rage towards someone, who spoke ill to me. The six baggages represent hardship of money to leave immediately. I also looked for Mama because she’s indeed the only one who could help me out of this miserable house.
                Past eleven, I texted Jano. I said, “2l, pakihingi nman ng number n Tita Lani. Alamin q lng kung ano resulta ng operasyon nina Mama at Lola Alice.” He replied and asked me, “San ka, musta?” Then, I realized, it was something to do with my dream. 
                After self-pitying, I went downstairs and tried to forget the pain.
                I wanted to text Auntie Emole, but my head stopped me. I must talk to Mama first, before doing any move. 
                
November 23, 2007
                Six-thirty in the morning, I was cooking already. It was when I took over the job from Auntie Belen. 
               Past 9, I was taking care of Skye because Aileen was in the market. The former is so hard to take care of. 
We went to Bulasu.
Ten, while Skye was sleeping, I did a laundry. It was when Aileen arrived. I did not touch her pinamili. Kuya Bambi and Aileen did the preparation. I just continue the cooking after I have washed my clothes.
One, after taking a bath, I decided to go to Bulan Central. I just walked through Homo’s ID shop. But, Myles was not there. It saddened me. Then, I went to RGCC. I have to go to Tia Bugi, my classmate’s mother. She might know where my NROTC diploma was put by mAritess. Who I knew was in Taipei now. However, They’re not lving there anymore. So, I went to Norman’s house. He’s not there, too. Hence, I went to Obrero. I wanted to see Myles and bond with her. Geeh! Their door was closed. Thus, I decided to wlk home. I was very sad. I felt all alone. While walking, I remembered my kids. I missed them. 
When I was in Iraya, I went directly on Pon-od Bridge and stay there for a moment. There I get the picture of my mag-iina. I missed them even more. 
                Two-seventeen, Mj texted me. She said, “Elow! Knmusta k n?” I replied, saying “I’m ok.” I also regarded Hanna and Zj. She replied, “K nmn. 2loy nga pla bnyag ni Zj.” I answered, “Nice. Hnd aq mkk-attend. Ituloy nu lng. Pumili k n ng godparents kht 2 pairs lng… Bagyo d2.” I was expecting certain words from her, but she responded “K!” Thus, I did not reply anymore. It hurts me, too. I was so mean. I hate myself. I knew she’s expecting good words from me, too. But, it’s already done. Alas.
                Myles and I were exchanging text messages when Mj texted me. However, I have to stop the conversation between us because I have to do something.
                Before five-thirty, I have helped Aileen to beautify the bonsais, I actually made. I also taught her how. 
                Past six, I texted Taiwan. He promised me to give Tita Lani’s mobile phone number.
                Nine-seventeen, Myles started texting me. We finished our text conversation at 10:16. We have talked about writing. We have also agreed to write a love story tomorrow that we will send to ABS-CBN’s Your Song. We will meet tomorrow at their shop. 
                I slept at 10:30. I asked God to postpone the super typhoon, Mina. 

November 24, 2007
                Six-thirty when I got up, I immediately helped in household chores. 
                Past nine, I attended Skye. We went to Bulasu. We go home after a while.
                Ten-thirty, I went back to Bulasu. There, Ate Quennie introduced me to Lola Bernarda. She or the latter is my paternal grandafther’s sister. I have learned from her that she’s a victim, too of panloloko. She is unluckier than Itay because she ahs inherted nothing. I pity her. 
                I have also heard from her the words ‘sipag at tiyaga’. She is one of the epitomes of industry and patient. 
                Eleven, Ate Quennie and I bonded through gardeb plants. Until, we do a laborious job o her garden. 
                I lunched at their house and left afte ten minutes because I have to meet Myles.
                Exactly one PM, I left to Homo’s ID Shop. There, I waited for Myles so long. And, when she arrived, I became quiet. I didn’t know how to start till I showed them everything in my files such as TOR, certificates, etc. We also talked about the love story we’re ging to submit at ‘Your Song’, But, the conversation ran on my writing frustrations.
                Our conversation was cut when her father arrived. Myles texted me, “Kuya. Nxt tym nlng poh tau g2qwa ng script. Mdyo wla sa mood c father e.” I replied, “K. Nakkahiya nga e. uwi na aq.” I then left immediately. She sent an apology message. Bad thing is I have no load. 
                After snack, I took a nap…
                Six-forty, Mj texted me. She said, “Elow, nrcvd q n ung bc q. Kya lng mali p rn. Instead na S, Z p rin. Espinoza.” I could not afford to reply. I have no money to buy load. I worry about it. It might be a reason of her postponement in working abroad. It would surely affest her papeles.
                She texted again at 8:12, saying “Walang load?” I knew she wanted to converse with me. 

November 25, 2007
                I wanted to attend on the Bethel Temple’s anniversary today, but I don’t have money. I need sum of money for fre. Alas!
                After cooking lunch and washing dishes, I went to Bulasu. I bonded with Ate Quennie, who was doing in her garden. I appreciated her garden.
                I left Bulasu at 2 PM because Aileen has told me beforehand that she needs my help in doing something, but she’s sleeping.
                Mj texted me, “Elow” at 2:01 PM. I still have no load.
                Before three, Aileen and I were reorganizing her garden. We moved, transferred, potted, watered, and cut her plants.
                It’s already five when we stopped. She gave me P40 as incentive. It was my first ever income, since I arrived here on November 14. I did not buy load.
                Past nine, I sleep.

November 26, 2007
                Past six when I got up. I knew Papay Benson would sundry the palay. I would help him. Thus, after breakfast at seven, we started it. Despite of its hardship, I tried o accept the fact that I have to help because I am living with them for free. 
One-thirty-one, Myles sent this: “Certain people touch your heart, and you can stop thinking about them… that’s the kind of person you are… Simple, yet worthy to be a special one. I pondered for its essence. I think she’s in love. 
                I tried to nap at one, but due to terrible heat I failed.
                Past 3, we resack the sundried palay, despite of tremendous heat. Before five, we’re done. I was so tired. My whole body was itching.
                Six-seventeen, Jenny texted me. I was forced to buy load. Thus, we conversed through text. Here are our conversations:
                Jenny: Elow! Mzta? Bnbgyo pb jn? Jhen
                Me: Oi, kw pla! D n2loy ung bagyo. Hangin lng. Wlang ulan. Mainit n knna,  
                    e. Jan?
                Jenny: Knnang umga lng umulan ng malaksa d2… Mkulim2 lng last wik, e2 n 
                    ung new # s bhay nwla kze ung dti. Wt nman pngka2ablahan mu jan?
                Me: Ah. Wla me pngkkabalhan d2. Wla incme. Cook aq d2. Eater dn. He he.
                Jenny: Eh y kb umuwi jan? Nag-away n nman kau ni Mj?
                Me: Ngpplamig. Naiiniz lng me s knya kc pabgubgo icp nya… Sbi q, uuwi lng aq 
                     pg paalis n cia… Skripisyo ang gngaw q d2.
                Jenny: So pti mg anak mu nda2may. I tink dpt wg nu xiang ipush qng d tlga bukal 
                      sa loob nia, kze bka qng anu lng mngyri s knya qng 22loy nga xia s pag-alis peo 
                    labag sa loob nia… U know wt I min. he he. Sori 4 being pakilamera, concern  
                    lng nman aq.
                Me: I undstnd… Hnd q n nga cia pnpush. Kya nga lumayo n lng aq pra 
                     mkpagdcsyon cia. Kung ayw nie, e, wla n aq mggwa. Kelngn q rin ng 2long e. 
                     At cia lng ang makkgwa.
                Jenny: Misunderstnding lng yan! F lyk tlga nia mk2long, pwd xia mghnap muna 
        ng job d2 taz ikaw mg-alaga ng mg anak nu… Lam q nman ung ctuation mo,  
       sa superpalengke pwd xia mg-appply… Me nga pg dq nkontk… (blah blah)
                Me: Nku! Ayaw nia nga e… Inalok n cia n A.Vangie. Sbhin u yn s knya, bka skali. 
                     Ayko n mgsumamo s knya.
These are the few text converstations we sent to each other.        
I knew it would be told to Mj. I knew Mj asked Jenny to text me. It’s okay.
My bck is aching.

November 27, 2007
               Right after waking up, I started doing in the kitchen. I was the only one, who pounded the boiled cassava for nilupak. I also helped Auntie Belen in her pili-coco 
jam. Dishwashing is neverending, as well. Plus, I have to take care of Skye. 
               Eleven, I accompanied Kuya Eric in mte market. We bought pasalubong, such as tuyo, daing, tinapa, and alamang. 
               After lunch, I started cooking biko, as requested.
               Two-thirty, Auntie and Kuya Eric left. They’re going back home in Manila. But, before that, we exchanged cellphone numbers. It’s because I was planning to hitch-hike with them on their next visit here.
               Good thing is I still have time for myself, though I was busy the whole day. In fact, I have time to reply Mj. She texted me at 8:49 Am. Good thing is I have load.
               These are her text messages:
a. Musta n? D u mn lng knukumsta kds ah. Umiiyak nga hnna kgbi hnhnap ka.
b. So far ok nmn. Paubos n rn mlk. Wla n rn me pera… Oo, 2loy un s Dec.8. Kunin q Tin en Roy.
c. D pwd. 2loy prn un. I’m planning 2 work. Kelangan, e. Wla pngmilk. D n kta ttnungin kung kelan k uwi… MUkhang hapi k jan. Mgptaba k ha? Wag u icpin kids. Ingats!
               It gladdened me. It’s so amazing how Mj became decide to work. I was right. Jenny and Mj have had connivance. They talked about me. It’s okay! At least, it turned out to be good. Because of this, I decided to go back to Antipolo. I will attend on Zildjian’s Christening on December 8, 2007. I will surprise Mj.

November 28, 2007
               One o’clock in the morning, I was awakened by Ate Quennie’s arrival. She was crying. I got up and went down immediately. I then laughed a bit when I’ve learned that she’s crying because her plants were affected by very high tide. Howver I understand her, especially when I personally saw the actual situation at their house. The salt water invaded their entire house and garden. 
               Ate Quennie, Kuya Tantan, Pogi, and I bonded till five-thirty. Then I tried to take a nap at the fishpond’s cottage. I failed. Six-thirty, when I went back home. Seven, Ate Quennie arrived. Minutes later, a quarrel and misunderstanding between her and Papay Benson occurred. It’s because of her decision of not going to classes today, which was strongly discouraged by Papay Benson. 
             The latter spoke bad words, which hurt Ate Quennie. Exchanges of reasons took place next. She was crying. I pity her.
              Nine, I was talking to Ate Quennie. She’s still crying. We talked about what had happened a while ago, while helping her.
             Twelve, when I left Bulasu.
             Two, I washed my clothes. Then, I cooked champorado. I also helped in resacking the palay. After that, I went to Bulasu again to bring champorado.
            Ate Quennie and I have taked a lot of things such as problems, God’s kindness, our lives, etc. We learned from each other.
             Five, I went back home and cooked rice. After that, I went back to Bulasu. I helped again her. We also tackled family experiences in our conversations.                                                                         
                I was home at 8:20.
                After writing, I went upstairs. There, I uttered prayer. I asked God for wisdom in decision-making. I also asked Him to help Ate Quennie in her journey. I also thanked Him for all the burdens and blessings He gave me. 
                
November 29, 2007
                Nine when I took breakfast. Then, Papay Benson disagreed in my going back to Antipolo. He also disagreed to the fact that I was leaving because I have to attend Zildjian’s Christening. Haay! He has a flipped mind. 
                Next, I started to work for Aileen’s windows. As she and I agreed upon. I sealed it with silicone rubber. I haven’t done it immediately because the rain fell. Besides, I have to wash some of my clothes, so as my towel and blanket. I don’t want to leave labahan, when I depart. 
                Four, I went to fishpond. There, I bonded with Kuya Tantan and Ate Quennie, while taking care of my nephew, Skye. 
All day working household chores tired and made me sleepy. Hence, I slept at 9:45. 

November 30, 2007
                Past eight, I went and stay upstairs. After I felt bored. There, I remembered our text exchanges. Myles told me that she has already read my letter for her. And, she’s speechless about its content. Thus, I read it again and I realized it’s indeed a startling one.
                I’m not interested to her anymore. I knew I could mend Mj-and-I-s fight. Time will come…
                Past nine, I went to Bulasu. I stayed at the fishpond for a long time. I also visited Duran family house. Ten-thirty when I left there. I thought lunch was already cooked, but I was wrong. I was indeed the one, who cooked. Haay!
                Twelve, Kuya Jape arrived.
                Three, I have cooked a delicious biko, as requested by Papay Benson. Then, after I washed my clothes and shorts, I went upstairs. It was 4:30 PM. I stayed there doing nothing. I got up at 7:45 PM.
                Nine PM, Myles and I were texting. And, before 9:30, she was relating to me her love story. I was shocked to her revelation, that her first boyfriend is a committed man. He’s our college professor and a campus admin. Wew! In fact, I saved her text messages. I was planning to write them down or compile them. It’s a nice love story.