My Journal -- November, 2006

November 1, 2006

Before I sleep last night, I resolve to myself that 'Tomorrow, I'll rest or sleep all day." Thus, when the couple left to 'wherever', I set myself in my 'higaan.' It was 10.

While watching TV, I write and read. While doing these, I was fulfilling my vision of resting. I think, it's a form of rest. I was so exhausted yesterday thus I deserve this treatment to myself. I just wish my cousin-sister was not here, so that I could own the house privately and I also wish the couple would not go home tonight.

While watching TV, I remember my alter ego, Jefferson Moralde. I missed him out this "All Souls Day". I could still reminiscence our bonding during said holiday. We're both drunk, then we're tomb-hopping, when my naughtiness and his strike. I semi-intentionally harassed a girl, I knew a little. It ends up to a confrontation. The girl's brother confronted me. Good thing is he didn't hurt me. I was really intoxicated that time. But I knew my friend was ready to protect or fight back if ever. So, due to 'kahihiyan', I acted I was about to blow up the bad spirits in me. Haay! That's Halloween and embarrassing experience with Epr, a person of no fear.

Ten-thirty, I have scribbled a poem entitled "Why We Often Clash". This poem was dedicated to Mj. It was inspired by our misunderstanding yesterday. I planned to give it to her as a birthday present, as anniversary gift and as a means of 'sorry'.

My plan of 'all-day sleeping' was not fulfilled due to the household chores that must be done such as attending the hung clothes. Besides, I was not sleepy. I instead read and watch TV.

Chriz arrived unexpectedly at 5 PM. he's lucky that my 'mag-ina; was not there.

Five-thirty-five, I was called out by Jenalyn Altarejos, my long-time friend. Her approach startled me. It's been a long time since we see each other. I, then realized that she's still the same--- friendly and jolly. She joked about my being family man now and her being 'Dala na.' When we parted, I regarded Analyn Lomotus, my ex, and her niece.

Chriz and I watched TV till 11:30 PM.

 

November 2, 2006

Seven-thirty, I was forced to get up due to water supply truck. But I missed it, after I have cleansed up the containers and jug. It's favorable, though! I, instead, fill the containers with rainwater from the tank. Doing so is a form of saving money. Water here in Antipolo is so expensive.

Then, I occupied myself in household chores. I washed the remaining rubber mats of Hanna.

All of these were accomplished wholeheartedly. However, I felt irksome towards the insolent people around me., who did not know what to do. I wished they're not here. I could have been free to fulfill my 'goals for the day'.

Since I am business-minded person, I also want to give Mama a livelihood. It's the best way to make her happy and to pay my gratitude. Thus, I jot down the numbers of TLRC (Technology and Learning Resource Center). This center offers a no-collateral loan for women. All women who are interested to start a micro-business is open to apply for a loan of P3000 to P5000. Not bad! Since Mama is a gourmet, she can put up/start a repacking food business of TRLC.

Twelve noon, I started to write down my ultimate dream. I just want to make a clarification about it. The handsome house and lot, I have stated on my journal entry last October 21 was not my ultimate dream. It was just a house that I, Mj and my children would live while I was thriving to attain my highest target, which was descriptively stated in a separate book. And, since it's the greatest, it must have a long-term deadline, or it must be accomplished till the maximum of ten years.

Writing and reading are draining activities. I got sleepy. Good thing is I have fallen asleep, despite of a terrible heat. Ten minutes satisfied me.

Five, I've already cooked our viand, which I bought in Cabading, Jano for sure would be glad. 'Ginataang tulingan' or 'cocoed bonito' is his favorite. If only I could afford to buy pechay or mustasa.

At six-thirty, I have personalized a birthday card for Mj. November 5 is her 26th birthday. I also have written a sorry note, using my poem 'Why We Often Clash', I recently wrote.

Then, I 'bottled' rolled pieces of papers, which were scribbled with baby boys' names such as Lee, Howard, Zildjian, Westley, Jan, Kinley, Scott, Inigo, Lance, Hans, David, Wisdom, Ford, Kirk, Mars, Domini, Marion, Christian, Sean, and Andre. Two of them would be raffled off when Mj gives birth, although we were not sure if it's a boy. I was so excited to my second child. The same as my first, who is Hanna Margaret. If only I could turn forward the hands of time.

Chapter 15 of 'Success...' is all about 'magnificent obsessions'. And it taught me these: 1. "Anything in life worth having is worth working for." 2. "There is something infinitely better than making a living: it is making a noble life." Therefore, "Magnificent Obsessions' is sharing oneself to others without expecting a reward, payment or commendation.

 

November 3, 2006

Eight when I got up. And, after breakfast, I started my mission-of-the-day, which was 'major interior cleaning. Doing so, I have learned that I could do multi-tasking.

Imagine: while organizing our stuffs, I was dusting while sweeping, I was washing our heavy blanket, and while cleansing dirty kitchen's floor, I was filling the mini-drum for Jano's bath morrow. I did them all happily, even without help from Flor or Chriz. Besides, I want to work alone.

I'm not yet done. I just cooked rice.

Then, I realized the essence of 'Magnificent Obsessions' which I've learned yesterday. I could now practice it today. I have done a hard job all. I must do is not to expect for praise. Besides, I was 'immunized' with commendations. I was rarely appreciated.

Before I forgot, here's my dream last night. "I was talking to a friend while I was organizing my mother's files. Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I found a brown envelope. Out of curiosity, I took out the papers and saw the documents showing that my intelligence quotient is 142. It secretly gladdens me. Next thing happened, I was boasting it to my friend, as if it was not the first time, I discovered the test result. But the truth was I was thinking to myself why my parents keep it to me. It seemed that 142 is a foolishness, which must be ashamed of."

Three, I washed my clothes. It caused me backache. And the latter resulted to unproductiveness. I wanted to do more such as gardening. However, it does not affect my mind. What is more important to me is my mental function. That what I have learned from reading Chapter 16 of 'Success…,' which has a subtitle of 'How to raise Your Energy'. Second, the mental and spiritual energy, according to them, the latter can draw vast power and strength in time of need. I found it true!

Five, I undergo budgeting crisis. Since Jano's money was already spent and I only have P90+ from the P200, Mama sent me. I thought of waiting Jano's arrival. If he arrives at 9 PM, that's the only time we'll eat. Thus, I preferred to buy 1/2 kilo of rice, dried fish, with oil, of course and instant noodles. It's a poor dinner, but we or they must be thankful. I expect Jano to be laid-back to it. He must know that his budget is insufficient. Now that Chriz was here, he must include him to the expense. Flor, too was here, though, my 'mag-ina' was not yet here.

While cooking, I write. I prioritized the 'Goalset.' While pursuing my first entry which was entitled 'Dream Home of Mine', I came to an idea of rejecting it and making it as an essay. Besides, it sounds one, when I read it. Thus, 'Goalset' was now disposed.

Jano arrived early. If only I knew, I would have saved the money I spent for rice. He brought on his 20 kilos rice as incentive from the company he's working at. Never mind!

He, then, handed me down P500 after I related to him that Ate Grace whom we owe P100+ from her store, was reminding him to pay. The P100 according to him would be paid to her and the P400 would be for our budget. This would be a nice budgeting job! I don't have to buy rice anymore.

Jano and Chriz bonded with a bottle of brandy. I did not drink with them. I hate brandy! I hate to be drunk.

When they're almost finished, they have tackled business. I found myself conversing with them. Business is my business. I am a person of business plans and prospects. Capital is all I don't have.

I proved that Chriz is now a business-minded entity, who like me, is 'capital-less'. I also have learned that Jano and Gie were looking for a site, where Gie's Tito's bakery would be located as a branch. It gladdens me. It gave me hope. Bakery is one of my dream businesses. I love breads!

Before I sleep, thought of Epr came to my mind. I missed him! I missed our bonding. Our diversions were unforgettable. I couldn't afford to see him again this moment, but I could have a communication with him if only I will try. He's going to graduate this March 2007 as computer technician. I was planning to go home to Bulan just to witness him marching to his success. I'm so proud of him. I never thought that he perseveres despite of his life stature. He has a broken family, yet he does not take it seriously. In fact, I could not imagine how he accepts all the deficiencies of his family. He was abandoned. Only his paternal 'lola', uncle and other cousins ware his guardians, for almost all his life. Poor boy.

Thus, I asked God to bless him, guide his way and protect him always. I also wished for the realization of my plan. I can't wait to see him again. He's the only friend, I mean, best friend, I have. I could not take if I lose him again just because of our distance. I have lost many friends such as Romeo and many more. And it's saddening. I'd rather lose my precious collection than to lose my best friend. He is the only one who treats me how I treat him. Somehow, I've learned from him. He taught me how anticipation is different from hope (hoping). He also had helped me find ways to get money. When Mj and I undergo crisis in Polot, he helped us pawn our cellphone and Mj's Topaz ring. Thus, I couldn't afford to waste our friendship. In fact, he's part of my dream. I want to help him find success, someday, somehow.

 

November 4, 2006

Seven-thirty, I was already wide-awake. Then, I was thinking of a diversion. I wanted to do something artistic. However, I'd rather write, read, and watch TV.

Next. I was occupied by household chores. Cooking, dishwashing, etc. It's the only way of consoling myself from emptiness caused by Hanna's absence. Shit! I missed her, especially when 'Art Angel', GMA's art show, used 'baby' as theme. The hosts make 'baby book, like a scrap book that is made from cartoon and colorful boards or papers. It's awesome! I remember my personalized scrap books, I made for Hanna. Desire to make one was burning, so as to see and hug Hanna. The baby book and my daughter interrelate to each other. I did not know why.

So, instead of making baby book, I personalized a 'knick-knack box', since materials for baby book were absent. The box was out of a cake box. It was a red ribbon cake box presented to her by Auntie Vangie on her 1st birthday. I realized that I was doing everything good for my daughter.

This afternoon, I thought of my second child. He/she must also be treated like Margaret. Of course! I told myself. I'll love them equally. I will give my whole life for them. Their happiness would be my happiness. They're God's gift. When I asked God for a son, He gave me Hanna. When I told him to have a two-years gap of birth, but He gave us another after 10 months. God willed it so that I could be a good, responsible father for them, which I think possible.

Then, I wrote a note for Mj, actually it was an anniversary greeting, which says:

Nov. 6, 2006

Honey,

It's exactly 34 months now since Honey-Bee was made because you love me and because I replied, "I felt the same way'.

Then, "because of You' was chosen as our theme song. It says '...My life has changed." It's true! You'd changed my entire life You gave me responsibilities. You stopped me from doing 'merry-go-round'.

Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.

I'll tell the world… it's because of you.

Happy 34th mensisary!

Bee,

It's one of the three greetings I personalized and put in one envelope. In addition, I also made, beforehand, a birthday greeting card. It goes like this:

Nov. 5, 2006

Honey,

You're not getting any younger...so am I.

My wish is ----- Act your age!

I know, sometimes I've been so cruel

But you must retaliate not with naivety.

Anyways...Happy 26th Birthday!

Tsup!

Bee,

Four, I went to Veterans. There... I paid my debt to Ate Lani and bought viands, requested by Jano such as 'tamban' and 'toge.' I also market groceries. Two hundred pesos were left. It would be spent for water and other day viands.

I cooked early, not knowing that blackout might come. Good thing is I had cooked rice before power disruption occurred.

It was 9 when it resumes. Gie, Flor and I also resumed our tong-its playing due to TV preference.

 

November 5, 2006

I woke up at 7:30 AM to cook, by Jano's command. It, however, doesn't madden me. At least I could eat, for a rare time, a sumptuous breakfast, which was 'scrambled-eggs-and-fries-tuyo (labahita)-and-rice-and-coffee/juice'.

Then, we’re being all occupied except for Chriz, who just looks; Flor, who left and Taiwan, who sleeps. Jano and Gie did a general cleaning in their room, while I took over household chores, especially kitchen works.

After cooking, I felt tiresome. I realized that I must pursue my dream house's fulfillment. Mj, Hanna, I and our second child need a separate, private life. While Mj and I are here, sharing a home, with them, we're obliged to tend the house. Mj should do the laundry while I, the cooking, and others. Haay! I'm so tired. I'm doing this just for my mag-ina or mag-iina. Besides, I am not that lazy person who would take to do nothing at all.

I was so sleepy at 3. However, I couldn't find a place to. Then, I found myself become fretful.

Then, I realized that Chriz and Flor have something in common. Indolence is their common denominator.

My drowsiness was cured by taking a bath. Then, I planned for a menu. It gives me a hard time thinking for a dish that would fit for a canned food like corned beef and sardines. I realized, planning for a dish is harder than cooking.

I attended Taiwan's leaving to his work. I was the one who mind for his bath and his 'baon,' which he appreciates. Before, he left, he handed me down P20, without asking for it.

About NBI clearance, he said that I can come to an interview without it. But it's better if I have it immediately. I did not lend any amount from him. I just inquired how much would I spend.

Watching "Rated K',a magazine show of ABS-CBN, inspired me by a segment. It was a collection of Santa Claus. My desire to collect, as well, was made. I love to collect stuffs, which had significance to me, to my life. In fact, I am collecting bottles and many more. Books (reading materials). Paint brushes. Matchbox cars. Literary pieces in my name. Rocks. Figurines. Monkeys. Bonsai. Etc.

Santa Claus collection inspired me due to a reason. My childhood Christmas (until now) has never been as merry as other normal kids. I have never seen my one-and-only godmother and one-and-only godfather. Thus, I did not experience to receive a gift during Christmas. In addition, my father discouraged my belief of Santa Claus. He would have acted as Santa, yet he didn't. As a result, my 25 years of Christmas has been bland, bitter and sad. During that occasion, I was as if mourning. Aloof. And I felt I'm empty.

Last Christmas was supposedly my first happy Christmas ever, but it turned as saddest. My mag-ina and I were far apart.

And now… Christmas is on the air. I was hoping for a merry Christmas. I wanted to celebrate it gladly with my family (my mag-ina). It was planned already since we were in Boso-Boso.

Collecting Santa would bring back or change my wrong impression about Christmas. I must fulfill it.

 

November 6, 2006

Noises made by Jano, Gie and Flor awaken me. It was 5. So, before they all left, I was sweeping the floor and doing some preparations. I'd rather get up than to consume time in my 'higaan.' Otherwise, I was already wide-awake.

Since Chriz did not arrive last night, I was free to do whatever I want to do. I did laundry at 6, changed the style of our curtains. After laundry, I wanted to do some major cleaning in the kitchen and dining area. The problem is my backache.

This morning, I've learned from 'Kabuhayang Swak na Swak' that there is money in collecting toys. A success story which was featured, suggested the collection, even the old ones. It eventually inspired me to do so. I love toys but I never enjoy my childhood because my parents could not afford to buy me toy.

Now that I'm a father, I want to provide my children with toys they love, and I want them to have. Since Hanna foremostly recognizes Hello Kitty, which has been her motif on her first birthday, I would collect for her while she's incapable to do so. I don't want her to experience being 'toy ignorant',

Eleven, while watching "Homeboy', Meralco cut off the power supply. Alas! The show's topic was interesting. It's all about friendship. I could relate on it! Plus, I don't know how to put it back or to make it. I need Kuya Rex' help. But I'm ashamed to. Then, I thought of Chriz. He would have been crucial if he's here.

In lieu, I started my next agenda-- which was to dust Mama's collection of glasses and cups, so as our dining wares. I did some 'renovation'. It was quarter to two when I got tired. I lied down.

It's so hot this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. In addition, ants pestered me. Thus, I took a bath.

When I'm done, Flor arrived with 'pasalubong'. I didn't say anything. I just ate it. I appreciate her effort, but I couldn't take how the bihon was cooked. It's not yummy. The maja blanca tasted like kutsinta. However, I was thankful that she brought something to eat, for me. "Laman-tiyan din yun!"

The rain comes unexpectedly. It was a great rain with thunder and lightning. It was a blessing. Our drums and tank would be filled with water. I could save money anyhow. Then, I wished electric current was stopped by Meralco so that Jano would not blame me if he arrives here with no light at all. I would surely reason out that "I don't know that it can be fixed again without paying first." The truth is I really do not know how to fix it up. I hate electrical works. I'm 'electrophobic.'

Five, after pondering the possible annoyance of Jano, if he comes home dark, I approached Kuya Rex confidently as if I often mingle with him. I know he's nice and helpful but it's so hard for me to ask for assistance especially to a person like him. We're not that close. But I choose to ask him than to Tito Sam.

Since he was cleaning their house, he didn't do it in a jiffy. We wait for a dusk to come.

I waited for him till seven-thirty. I was mad at him already when I started to cook viand and rice. I hate to cook through timbers if it's dark. He frustrates me!

Jano arrived (with Gie) at 8. He was slightly annoyed about it. We would have made ways to reconnect it, but Chriz, who arrived at seven, and I don't know how. He immediately made it.

Then, I could see his problematic mind. Besides, I overheard about it that Gie and he were thinking of ways. If only I have an ability now to help financially.

Chriz, Flor and I gambled, tong-its from 7 to 11 PM, due to blackout we experienced. Gamble is addictive, I thought.

 

November 7, 2006

I was forced to get up at 6:30 AM when Lolo Angel's jeep made loud siren. They drop down Mama's padala for Hanna, who wasn't here yet. The 'padala' comprises of 2 boxes of Bonamil (400 g each), 4 pieces of EQ diaper, 4 twin-packs sachets of Sunsilk shampoo and 1 men's socks. Mama is, indeed, thoughtful. I pity her again. It's none of her responsibility. Thus, I started my day by sweeping dry leaves in the garden and did some planting. Through that I could pay her.

After I was frustrated by waiting to mobile fish market, I did laundry. It's already set to my mind last night. I wanted to help Flor on her projects, imposed by Jano.

Eleven, I diversified in cooking corned beef. I have made beef balls and patties. They're so-so but the sauce was so great. Yummy! Sweet and sour with a sprinkle of oregano powder, which I made.

When Flor arrived, she induced us to gamble. All of the sudden, the three of us were playing tong-its.

Past three, our play was stopped. Flor had to do laundry, while, I had to market.

Chriz gave me money for coconut. We would cook 'laing' tomorrow. He has money, huh! First time to spend.

Our budget was already spent. The goods I bought were good till Friday.

Then our 'gambling' was pursued. I was doing chores or cooking while playing. It's so addicting. All of us, three, were desirous to beat each other. I was the loser. The P20 given by Taiwan was about to disappear. Haay! I wanted to take it back from Chriz.

After dinner, Jano arrived. He has good news for Chriz. Tomorrow, they will go to 'Miles and Levels, Inc.' for an extra job of the latter. Hay, at last!

I envy him not. I would have a job, too! Soon! Taiwan confirmed it to me again when he went here last Sunday. So, I was very sure for it. Ten days from now I am working as a bellboy at the Aramis Lodge. Ha ha! I could start my first step to success. Promise, I'll be a wiser person. I'll treasure every centavo I will get from my compensation.

Six months of employment is enough, for sure I could re-start again or find another job.

 

November 8, 2006

Again, my sleep was disturbed. But, this time, Chriz, Jano and Flor were the disturbances. Yet, I tried to fall sleep gain when they're all gone.

It was 8, when I got up. My feeling wasn't good. I wanted more. However, I fought for it. There were so many chores to do. Even though I would be alone all day of half day, I still have to work. I considered myself a 'katulong,' since then. I have no right to waste time. Besides, there's no other person who is dependable. Flor is a person of no 'know-how', not to mention her innate laziness and negligence and her inconsideration to others.

I was also tired of battling her. Since I quarreled her, I decided not to mind her business anymore. If she wants to help, well, it's fine. If not, it's up to her. I'd rather keep quiet than to complain regularly. It's so tiring!

Since I was all alone this morning, I have had an opportunity to do freely. I've reorganized our knick-knacks. I washed Hanna's bags and other dirty stuffs like combs and my sandals. And, thus afternoon, I have half-done a Christmas wreath and lantern. They were part of my desire of having a merry Christmas this 2006. I know it's possible now that I was going to have a job.

Three, Flor has arrived. She helped me not in dishwashing and fixing the 'nilabhan,' since I just laid them on the floor. Haay! No one would like her. I just hope she changes before she gets into a family establishment. Her husband-to-be will be pitiful. Poor girl!

Seven-ten, after cooking, I have finished the wreath. It's awesome! Looks like it was professionally done. World-class. Aheem.

When Chriz and Jano arrived home from work, the latter did not ask or notice Flor's absence. Alas!

 

November 9, 2006

Chriz has no extra job today thus the noise pollution was mediocre. It puts me to a sleep again. But before my siblings left, I overheard Jano asked Flor about her going home late last night. She was told that "Balik ka na naman sa dati, ah." That's all.

She has 'pasalubongs', which were bihon and ulam from a debut party. It's a nice thing. But the bad thing was she did not wash the dirty clothes of Jano, especially the towel, the latter told her. I intend not to wash it to teach her a lesson.

For the first time in my 26 years in this world, I could relate three dreams happened in one sleeping night.

First was going home of Mama from Novaliches. I just saw her from garden with her bags and she was going to the direction of Rose' house. I greeted her happily, but I could see her sad, pale and feeling nausea and vomiting. So, I tried to get from her the heavy bags. However, she refused to give it to me. And, she said the bags were filled of vomits.

Second. Birthday of Frenel Alicando. She's my collegiate close friend, whose birthday is November 6. Actually, she was celebrating her birthday that day, belatedly. We're only four in the scene-Frenel, Amy (our close friend and Frenels' best friend), Frenel's mother and me. I greeted the celebrant, saying "again". It means we already had a meeting on her real birthdate. I also 'bless' to her mother who at first refused.

Third. The action happened to us (Jano, Gie and I). We're from a church mass. The church is huge like a cathedral. However, when we go out, I noticed that we exit from a shabby movie house. I did not mind it. Then, as we go along, a teenager tried to push me without reason at all. H's an addict and ne'er-do-well. I cried out for help. Jano, who's walking ahead of me with Gie, helped me. The teenager shouted for I-can't-understand-words. I knew he's going to call for help from his gang. He ran so fast threating us. Then, Jano announced 'Balik!' So, we retreat and run back. I was so tired. We run less than 500 kilometers. They hailed for a trike, and I was left running over to catch a ride.

The first two dreams seemed so realistic. But the last was impossible. But I knew, it has something to do with me. It conveys a message. God wants me to run or to act quickly.

That third dream was actually a very long dream. It has a prequel.

While the pastoral mass was taking place, I was writing in this actual book (black journal). Then spaghetti was served to every 'churchgoer.' The server puts the spaghetti on this book. I was so upset. All I did was I washed it with a juice that owns by a kid. He cried not. Then, the scene has changed to what I have related earlier.

Past eight, when I got up. I was so furious to the black ants that paraded around the kitchen. The worst thing is they feast on my 'laing'. It's cooked deliciously just to be thrown away. Thus, I saved it. It would be our viand this lunchtime.

'Kabuhayang Swak na Swak,' ABS-CBBN's business show every 8:30 AM, weekdays featured fish business. It interests me again. One of my dreams is to have it for an aquarium (of course with fishes). My vision is to have it for a hobby then let it turns into business. I've learned today that arowana or Chinese dragon is the most expensive fish or aquarium fish. In fact, the longest arowana ever recorded was 47 inches, which was sold to S100,000 or P5,000, 000. Wow! Five million pesos! I've also learned that' fish aquarium-ing' has so many factors to consider such as water, feeds, fish behavior, adaptability, gender, etc. Then, I put it on my mind that I would start in a small aquarium.

Nine, I pursue my half-done lantern. I had a hard time finishing it due to lack of materials. It was 12:30 PM when I finished it, then, I remember my high school days. I have been a two consecutive Christmas first place in 'parol-making' contest in our school--- Antipolo National High School Annex. I used, that time, the indigenous materials such as ipil-ipil, coconut husks, etc.

Past two, while watching Wowowee's guest performer of the day, Yeng Constantino, I almost cried. I was touched by her original composition, 'Hawak-Kamay'. I remember my alter ego, Jefferson Moralde. The lyrics says "Hawak kamay/ Di kita iiwan/ Sa paglakbay/ Sa mundo ng kawalan.." The song reminds me of how good friend Epr is. He never left even in my darkest times. He was always with me. This is why we were often misjudged as gay lovers. They just don't know how we treat each other. We're more than brothers. We're inseparable. Despite of our distance nowadays, I knew he misses me, too.

Good thing about him is he is not a bad influence. He's a bad boy, but he prefers not to taste 'shabu'. For him, he'd rather drink liquor than to dope.

I could still remember our ephemeral resolutions once we practiced. He abstained from drinking alcoholic drinks, while I did. Despite my strong inducement, he was still resolute. He never tasted till the last day he set as a decline. He is a principled man, I should say. Then, I made a resolution too. I said, I would never drink alcoholic drinks except for beer. So, he never pushed me to do so. He is considerate, I must say.

What I wanted him to abstain is his smoking habit. I hate it. Thus, every time I have got plentiful of money, I choose to buy food. We bond happily even in cheap 'corniks,' as well.

Haay! In times like this ---when my 'mag-ina' was absent, I need a companion who could somehow uplift my sagging heart.

Quarter to four, Mj and Hanna unexpectedly arrived. I was so happy to see them. I could also see the same feelings to their eyes. They're gone for more than a week.

Mj was sent by Tito Jay a 'lapad' as birthday gift. It actually amounted to P2000, but Nanay asked for P800 for their electric bill dues. It's okay! At least, she has bought Hanna's needs, and the best of all. She has saved P500 for me. She thought for my NBI clearance, needed in my upcoming job.

Our clash was forgotten and forgiven. Time really heals! But I would still present my cards to her.

Jano has recognized our newly set Christmas lights. He liked it, I'm sure. Christmas lights are indeed gladdening.

 

November 10, 2006

We're all awakened by Jano's alarm. It was 4:30 AM. But when thye left, Hanna, Mj and I slept again till past 8.

Flor scribbled a note for me: "Kya labhan mo daw yng short ni Kya na brown at pantalon nagpaalam na ako kay kuya."

That's the exact sentence she wrote. Thus, I have to follow it.

At nine, I started washing. Eleven, when I was about to hang them, my in-laws arrived. They brought us mineral water.

We want to come with them to Boso-Boso, however the car capacity couldn't accommodate us, since Elek, Nicole, Me-Ann, Akisha, Lola, Tyo Boy, Tatay and Nanay were in. We miss our ex-dwellings so much. Besides, we both have things left there.

Mj and I had a nice conversation about so many things. We have talked about our ex-bosses (who were Tita Lo and Ka Sonny). According to her, Tita Lo called to Nanay and told them that she would send money for Nanay's children before Christmas. We hoped we or Mj would be sent with, too. It would be S100 each. So, it is more or less P5000.

Another surprising truth was Tita Lo and Calove knew that we're in Bicol. They still do not know what had happened between Mj and Tiyo Ruben. I wonder why Tita Neng kept it secret. They're just putting us in bad condition.

This day, I had a hard time thinking of what we could eat. So, when I asked God for help, He immediately gave me something to be cooked. It was a banana inflorescence. Thus, I cooked it for our dinner.

Tonight, I noticed how Hanna carves to eat by herself. She loves to eat by her hand. Good thing is she uses right hand. I've found out that she's not a 'leftie'.

I watched fully the "Maalala Mo Kaya' episode, featuring the five rugby boys and the Luneta Acrobat Master, 'Big Boy'. They inspired me once again by their lives of life stories. I first saw them in GMA 7, specifically in "Wish Ko Lang". I was then betting in lotto. And they're the ones I wanted to help. It's funny, but it's true.

Jano and Chriz arrived at 11 PM. They don't eat dinner, I prepared. If only I knew.

The 'boss' hands me down P700. He said the P200 is for Diana Go. So, it means our budget increased again. Wow! I'm sure, I could not experience 'tight budgeting' anymore.

 

November 11, 2006

Quarter to eight, I woke up, despite of coldness. I intend to do so because I was so excited to remember my dreams.

(1) When Mama Leling was about to reprimand us due to our noisy playing, I eventually get Jing-Jing, Ate Jennilyn's daughter, who I hate the most because of her attitude. I taught her educationally, which gladdens Mama Leling. Thus, I have been 'scot-free'. She praises me, too.

(2) In an unfamiliar street, I was looking for a house. I think it was the house of my classmate that I want to see for employment purposes. In short, I found it. However, I noticed a bereavement covering the entire house just looking at its interior. The dwellers had just experienced loss of loved one. And, the burial, I reckon has just taken place that afternoon. Thus, I walk back to where I come from. Then again, I was looking for a place where I could pee. I couldn't bear it anymore. I noticed the street is busy. There's no place for it. Thus, the pee's shown in my pants. Then, I got up to pee.

But before these, nightmare comes first. I was so afraid:

I was being run after by a scary woman. . I don't know exactly how she looks. All I can remember was that she's scary because she's furious.

I tried to hide in Mama Leling's house which was already roofless and tear down. I saw Kuya Bambi and his furious eyes. He did not regard me. He has scared me, too.

I climbed the house's crisscross to hide and escape. The woman after me did not see me. But it was Kuya Bambi, who tried to run after me eventually.

Then, I woke up.

I knew this nightmare and these dreams have something to do with me and to my future. I just hope they're all helpful and good.

Nine-thirty when I went to Ate Grace's store to settle our account. I've discovered that Flor owed junk foods, breads, laundry soaps and candies on Mama's account. I knew it was only P232.50, but now it amounted to P281. It upsets me. Thus, I told her that he pays it by her own money.

It resulted to flaw-searching. I counted her shortcomings, in terms of household chore-endeavor. She was a total limp. Useless in this house! I, then, came to an idea of telling it to Jano, as well as writing Mama.

It goes like this:

Dear Mama,

Kumusta na kayo diyan? Sana di niyo napapabayaan ang sarili nyo. Huwag nyo lang masyadong pagurin ang katawan nyo. Kung dito ay wala kang pahinga, sana dyan ay kahit paano ay makapagpahinga ka.

Sumulat pala ako upang ipaalam na malapit na akog makapagtrabaho. Sa Nov. 17 na ang alis ni Taiwan sa hotel. Kaya, baka sa 18 ay paapsok na ako. Ang problem ay ang bantay dito sa bahay. Uuwi na si Mj at Hanna sa kanila ngayong Nov. 15, Miyerkules. Nahihirapan kasi si Mj. Una sa mga gawaing bahay-lalo na sa paglalaba. Buntis kasi. Isa pa, ang tamad na si Flor ay mas lalong lumala. Malaking pasanin namin si Flor Rhina ditto. Napatunayan naming tama ka. Kahit bungangaan mo at kahit tumahimik ka lang, agnoon pa rin. Kumilos man, palpak ang trabaho. Wala halos ginagawa, maliban sa kaartehan nya.

Kaya sana, bako ako makapasok doon, ay makauwi na akyo. Magiging kawawa ang bahay pati ang garden.

Si Jano, di na binibigyan ng pamasahe si Flor Rhina dahil bago ito pumunta dyan, nagloko sa pag-aaral, nahuli ni Jano na gabi na ay nasa kalsada pa.

Nagsasawa na rin ako. Di ko na nga pinapansin at kinakausap.

Hanggang dito na lang, Ma!

Natanggap ko pala ang mga padala nyo sa 'min. Thank you!

God bless you!

Poroy,

Since, I don't want to talk or direct Flor Rhina. I let Mj to direct her to give the letter to Lolo Angel, who would be back there (Novaliches) today. However, after a long time of waiting of a result, she announced that she had never sent it. Grrr! I wanted to spank her for her stupidity. What did she do downhill?

Today, I have accomplished handicrafts such as Christmas balls and Christmas branches. They had been added in my Christmas decorations. I could now smell a merry Christmas.

 

November 12, 2006

When I got up at 8, I started remembering my dream that took place a while ago:

"I have no money. Thus, an idea of selling a 1/3 sack of glutinous 'palay' came to my mind. The seller appraised it, saying "Puro ipa!" And he paid me P253. It secretly gladdens me for I knew it was paid more than it's worth."

So, does it mean I would be appreciated today more than what I've done?

Nine, I went to Veterans and did a marketing there. I doubled every item I regularly buy singly, o that I could really save. Otherwise, I could not experience hardship in budgeting.

I bought Cloud 9 chocolate for Mj. She was delighted by it. It's the first time I ever presented her with a chocolate. It's just a cheap item but gave her a 'kilig' in her heart.

Afternoon, I had discovered a new decorative rail. It turns out awesome. Though it's not yet done, I knew it's nice and commendable.

Five-thirty, Jano and Gie arrived. The latter highly commended my Christmas decorations. I could see her delight to them. Jano also implied his likings. But he wowed on our viand tonight, which was chicken adobo. I cooked it specially for them.

 

November 13, 2006

Since last night, I have killed a finger-sized snake in a door frame. I have dreamt of snake:

"I was in a swamp, doing nothing. I was just looking for nothing. Thus, when I saw snakes, I left the swamp immediately."

Do this mean money?

This morning, I have been so irritated. I pity Hanna because she was being hurt. However, it cools down when I took a bath at 10:30. Water is indeed temper resistant.

Since Jano was absent to his work today (due to his problematic motorcycle), I didn't know what my mission was.

Afternoon, my irritability comes back. I don't know the cause of it. All I know was that I feel sorry to Hanna because I was beating her whenever she has been 'pasaway' or 'iyakin.' In fact, before and after she has fallen asleep, she was crying. She's affected. I don't intend it.

Six, Jano fetched Gie, and they arrived at quarter to eight. Unexpectedly not, the latter recognized the aesthetic value of my newly discovered artwork-golden Christmas ball. She exclaimed on it. She thought at first that it was bought by me. It secretly made me proud to myself.

Then, I started again a new idea. It was 'poinsettias', which were made up of ipil-ipil, plastic, paper, and straw. Gie, again showed up her delight on it.

Now, I realized that art working is my forte. Everything could be an artwork. I couldn't live without art. In fact, my day is incomplete if I hadn't finished even a single work of art. The proof was what happened today.

God is great, indeed. He gifted me with this talent.

 

November 14, 2006

Seven, I got up. I then quickly do some garden works, minutes after I turned on the radio to get some inspiration from my favorite radio tandem--- Nicole Hyala and Chris Tsuper aka Balahura at Balasubas.

I was listening attentively to them while waiting for a water supply truck, which resulted in missing the two trucks.

Jano and Flor arrived from Gate 2. They bring home fish for our lunch. It gladdens me for I could save money from it.

Then, I was told by Jano to learn motorcycle driving. I refused from his invitation. I don't want to take a driving lesson if the vehicle is not mine. I believe, driving is so easy to be learned. What hard is to have vehicle. And that's what I must think of or look forward to.

Past 10. I went downhill to get Christmas tree. It was always my greatest desire. Having a Christmas tree is everybody's dream during Christmastime, whether it is simple or grandeur.

Since, I have done with my works in the kitchen, I started the making of Christmas tree. It was 11, while Mj was packing their stuffs. She and Hanna would leave morrow.

Next thing happened, the Mj, who has tantrum, got angry to me. She started grimacing. So, I pursue my thing till, we have had a confrontation.

I fight my side. I just want to expedite the making of Christmas tree because I might have a job this week. Besides, Christmas day is just around the corner. While her thing could wait.

She's not that understanding, indeed. She couldn't understand me. If she only knew that I wanted to have a merry Christmas this year for the first time. Thus, her closed-mindedness makes my dream impossible. We might be separated by his naïve reason.

Secretly, I was planning, while cooking, that if she leaves me tomorrow with this misunderstanding, I will tell her that we better part ways. I don't need a person like her anyway. I was tired of her. I was sick of her!

Then, she declined from my invitation to dine in. I wanted to hysteric. Good thing I had controlled myself. I just thought of Hanna and our second child.

Haay! Till when we are like this? Who must be humble and say sorry? I knew I did mistake sometimes but this time I would not ask apology. She's been so naïve. It's just sort of childishness.

My desire of a merry Christmas increases when ABS-CBN's Christmas station ID was played. I was inspired by its production and its theme song, "Tuloy na Tuloy Pa Rin ang Pasko."

This night, I pursue poinsettia-making. Then, I started making an angel, which I planned to put on the top of our Christmas tree.

When Jano arrived from a drinking session at Kuya Rex' house, he told me about the absence of King, my once adversity in cashew, in his wife's delivery at 4 AM. I pity Rose for she has to take all the responsibilities though it's not advisable for her to move vigorously. It might cause her 'binat.'

 

November 15, 2006

I got up with a determination of letting MJ do what she thinks right. I don't care anyway. I knew she would not ruin her life and she would still take care of our children though were far away.

I was ready for her action. Thus, I took the opportunity. I attended Hanna. I was sure I would miss her.

MJ ate the breads I saved for her. I thought she would not. Then, at 9:30, she started preparation for leaving.

When she was about to leave, she asked for an exact amount of fare because her P500 was intended for my upcoming job. However, I didn't say the truth. I told her that I only have coins, not enough for her fare, which would be amounted to P30. But the truth was I don't want them to leave till we rise our white flags. I felt guilty. I pity her. I pity Hanna, so as our second child. They're innocents. They don't deserve a broken family.

Good thing is Hanna has fallen asleep. It leads to postponement.

I wanted to talk to Mj, but my pride told me not. Thus, I busied myself in art working.

Since, it was 12 noon, I invited Mj to take her lunch yet she didn't. I wanted to ask her problem but all the words in my tongue were swallowed by me.

Hanna rose up at past 12. I thought they would leave me 'na', but Mj dilly-dallied. She was waiting for nothing. I knew she wanted to talk to me but like me, pride interfered.

Saved by the bell! My in-laws arrived from Boso-Boso at 12:30. My worry was gone. Her two bags would not jeopardize her anymore. I could hardly imagine how she could carry Hanna with the bags on her hand and shoulder.

Before they left, Mj put the P500 in my pocket. She still loves me, cares for me. She wants me to win that job. Thus, I secretly bend down my pride.

I busied myself when they gone. I finished the angel. Then, at 3 I washed our clothes.

Four-thirty, Ate April and Denise visited us. They were looking for Hanna. We had a nice, long conversation. She had confided me with her problem--- that she was two months pregnant. Most of all, she appreciated my lantern so as my Christmas tree.

I was forced to face or entertain her. Good thing, we already have got viand. It was given by my in-laws. So, I don't have to worry if Jano arrives early.

Then, Diyang came in. Our conversations became long and vehement. She was (again) problematic. As usual, she asked from me some suggestions and moral support.

She's the weirdest woman I've known. She never learned from her mistakes.

Then, we end up in a plan--- to have a Christmas exchange gift. It excites me a little.

 

November 16, 2006

Six, I got up to pee. Unfortunately, I have never fallen to sleep again. Maybe it was due to remembering my chaotic dream, minutes ago. Thus, I chose to start my day.

Since my dream was the cause of it. Here is it: "In Polot, I was with my friends. To name a few, they're Obet and Jayson. Epr wasn't in the scene. So, the mood of the dream was sad. I was waiting and looking for him in the middle of happiness of my surroundings, since it was a barrio fiesta. Thus, I preferred to go home. But before I walk home, I looked for something to eat-a viand specifically. Goyie offers some food like 'kakanin.' I did not buy. I, then, found myself walking through our house. On the way, I was eating rice and fried chicken. I couldn't understand the scene. Where did they come from? So, I was keeping it to avoid being seen by the people on my way. Then, I passed by to my relative's house. I hate them. So, when I and Neneng were about to meet at the certain point, I diversify. Yet, I still obstruct unintentionally by something I was pulling. She said nothing."

This dream was realistic. The occasion. The people. The things around me. The hate I felt. The only fictional thing was the magical appearances of rice and fried chicken and the 'something I was pulling."

Haay! I love to reiterate and record my dreams. I knew they have something to do with my future. So, I don't want to forget them.

I started my morning with a nutritious breakfast. Then, I faced the finishing of the Christmas tree. At 10, I could see a happy outside looks of it, compared yesterday. I added it with green plastic nets like a sash.

Today is my ex's birthday. I could still remember her debut, when she invited me to be her one of the 18th roses. We're already separated at that time. There, I saw her new bf-who was insecure because of his height. He was jealous too, I'm sure, when we waltz. But they don't know how much I blamed myself in attending her big day. I wished I join not.

An angel figurine is still on my care. It is one of my collections. Mj knew about it, and it kills her much by jealousy.

While watching TV at 10:30, I've learned that "Love has so many faces." Sometimes, it's miserable. Yet, most of the times, it is joyful. I then believed that the secret of having a happy love life or successful love life is to love first oneself. That's the idea I got from the famous song "Greatest Love of All."

Then, I was missing Hanna Margaret. The house seems so dull without her. I couldn't deny the fact that her presence is preferable than her absence. Yes! I'm happy every time there is an artwork done through my lonesome or being alone. And her naughtiness while I am doing craft annoys me, yet I need her still to complete my life. She's my inspiration, In everything I do, she helps me unnoticeably, because everything I do is for her. When I started Christmas decoration, she inspired me. I don't want her to have a Christmas memories like mine. I have had a sad childhood Christmas due to different reasons, stories, anecdotes and frustrations. I want her to treasure or celebrate Christmas the way others do. If ever, I want to act as Santa Claus. (Funny, huh). I also want to make her believe till she discovers that there's Santa Claus, who gives gift to a kind child.

Haay! I wish or hope I could plant a happy Christmas memory on her mind as early as possible.

I prefer to celebrate merrily at Christmastime than at New Year's Day, for the latter is not a biblical reason to do so. Every day could be a new year or day. But there is gonna be one Christmas.

Quarter to one, 'Hilary Fame' was formed. It would be a choice for our second child's name. I want Hilary because it is unique or rarely used. And it was also followed from the 'Hanna'. Mj likes 'H.' So, I said that our second child must have the initial names of H.F. Since, Hanna Margaret is H.M. The M stands for Mary Jane. And F stands for Froilan. Equal!

Fame is meaningful. It was gotten from my and Mj's names. It is a root word of famous. I want my child to be famous. So as the Hilary, it's known for the meanings of hilarity and hilarious. I want my child to be funny (not because of her face or physical attributes, but because of her humour and wit). I've always been fond of comedy, fun and laughter. I'm a fan of funny man.

I want to call my second child 'Hilary Fame'. I want her to be a famous comedienne, in her own unique way.

Three-thirty, Diyang came in. I had no choice but to entertain her. My taking-a-bath was delayed. Yet, it's okay. I enjoyed the conversation between us. I wanted to ask her why she was always coming to me whenever she's depressed. I think I've been a good adviser and my suggestions work. It so happened that one of my advice, which was 'she must be secretive', was being practiced by her recently. She told it to me, and it makes me proud.

Thus, I gave her few tips on how to manage depression: Solitude or laughter from funny people.

Solitude, sometimes, helps. It would give you time to ponder. I told her that I'm more productive in her solitude. Most of the time being solo gladdens me. It gives me happiness.

Laughter is the best medicine, indeed. I related her how laughing heals my depression or other negative emotions. I then specifically advised her to tune in 90.7 Love Radio. I also told her that my favorite DJs (tandem) who laugh happily from the start of their program till the end.

I knew advises are optional. However, I was hoping she would practice them someday.

She also had earned from me. Some of them shock her. They are:

I'm not afraid if Mj leaves me because I believe our children will be our links. Before, I crave for a child but not a wife. I only want a child who will defend me and will pursue my frustrations. Learning to love your self is the greatest love of all.

Then, I also understand her depression.

She was experiencing depression because the father of her baby (on her womb) hurts her verbally. And it was the reason why she temporarily leaves him. She preferred to keep ''the exact words she received from him" secret.

Another cause of her depression was the jealousy, she feels toward a flirtatious 15-year old girl, who was trying to seduce her partner. I advised her last night that she must not show her jealousy to her husband, so as, to that whoremonger. She must be secured to herself, which she did today. I told her that I appreciated her freshness that moment. Being fresh, clean and fragrant always entice. Because of it, her husband might stop seeing that girl.

It was 4:30 when we parted ways.

I did my chores in a jiffy because she promised that she would come back. So, when she came back, I was commended by her telling "Sinunod kita sa payo mo kagabi." It means, she went to her mother-in'law's house for a talk. The latter dare her, if she would not come, she rather forgets her. Good thing, she realizes that idea.

I'm so proud. My advice was good enough to be followed. I'm a good adviser, therefore.

When Jano arrived at past 7, he exclaimed "Paskong Pasko na rito, ah!" I don't know if it was an appreciation or what. He's afraid that the carollers might increase every night. He believes Christmas tree induces carollers and permits them to sing Christmas carols for a monetary purpose. I just said 'Matagal pa."

I just wonder why he hates carolers, he couldn't remember that we've been carolers too, could he? In Tarlac, we also personally experience the so-called 'caroling'. It's been a long-ago tradition, especially by the children. And every day went through childhood. And everybody, for sure, practices caroling during childhood.

We had unforgettable caroling experiences in Tarlac. We both can relate t proudly to everyone if we will. We could never forget that.

So, if he hates carolers, he must hate his childhood too.

I loved it once in my childhood days. And I will always entertain carollers kindly as long as I can afford to merry them by what I can or have. Besides, coins per night are not that budget-destructive, compared to the happiness it will give.

Haay! Mj and Jano couldn't understand me. Christmas tree brings life. They must know it.

When I dined in my dinner, I wasn't satisfied. Alas! Our viand was ampalaya (bitter gourd). It's my favorite. I knew I cooked it deliciously. Unfortunately, my sore throat that I felt since yesterday affects my taste bud. I couldn't understand the sore. I knew that taste was more than that.

I did not know what caused my sore throat. All I knew is I always eat fast, hot or cold. And I love hot coffee.

Is the chili triggers sore-throat? Tuesday, I cooked a 'ginataang dahon ng kamoteng kahoy with fish and chili.' I remembered that was the time it started.

I was worrying about it.

Jano questioned me when I was going to start working in Aramis Lodge. I replied that Taiwan would accompany me if he came morrow. He advised me to get ready.

As a matter of fact, I was worrying. Taiwan might not come. I couldn't accept that fact if it will be spoiled. I waited so long.

Though, I prepared my Biodata.

 

November 17, 2006

Past six, I decided to get up so that I could prepare myself, stuffs as well, in an unexpected interview at Aramis Lodge. Taiwan must come today so it would be realized.

Today is his 'endo.'

While waiting for Taiwan, I tuned in the FM radio. The funny tandem's antics and greenery partially eliminated my worry. I have prepared my biodata, so as the clothes to wear. However, he doesn't come at the time he usually arrives at--- 8:30 AM.

Unexpectedly, my 'mag-ina' arrived. I was so surprised. They were just dropped by my in-laws, who went to Boso-Boso. Mj and I were automatically reconnected again by circumstance.

Ten o'clock, I thought I was going mad waiting. The job I have long for might be spoiled. I want to win it. For it is the only one best way of providing a living for us. However, I'm hoping still.

I tried to console myself, however it was irresistible. I wanted to get angry to Taiwan. But it came to my mid that he might have a reason why. I knew he never forget his promise.

Mj and Hanna Margaret were fetched by my in-laws at two. But before they left, I have given Mj Taiwan's contact numbers, so as Gie's so that she could tell him that I was waiting for him.

Night. I was preparing baby's girl's names, while watching TV. I have made two: Hira and Fiona. I also thought Taiwan's suggestion for Hanna's name which was Haillie Jade.

When Gie and Jano arrived, the latter gave me a writing project. I must write for him an explanation letter for he was about to be suspended due to two days absences.

It's my credit. He gave me that job because he believes on my writing ability. He doesn't know that I excelled in my Elective subject. It was a correspondence and business letter writing subject. It is one of my fortes, huh.

Then, I have had an opportunity to text Taiwan. I asked him why he couldn't come. And he confirmed he was not yet 'endo'. He finally assured me that he will come immediately after the contract ends.

My letter was nice. It delighted Jano. I hope he will not be suspended due to a clear explanations and justifications; I wrote.

This made me know that the past tense of slide is slid. I confirmed it in a "Learning Device,' I own.

Before I sleep, I have had a peace of mind. Hope came back to my heart. Security filled in my mind and heart.

Now, I was not afraid that I was waiting for something because I know Taiwan is so true to his promise. He's so willing to help me. In fact, he promised to give me money. It was texted to me by him a while ago.

This day, Hanna is already 16-months old time is indeed fast-paced.

 

November 18, 2006

I was dreaming when Tito Nonoy's knocks from the door awakened me. A letter with a money herewith handed down to me. I excitedly perused it not only for the money but for the messages Mama wants to convey. It is the first time she wrote me or us from the time she was there. It says:

Nov. 17, 2006

Froi,

Bahala ka na sa P500 Five hundred na ito. Baka sa susunod uwi kami ni May Alice diyan sa Linggo (19). May handaan sa Sauyo, sabi nila sama ka uli pag balik nila mamaya ng after lunch siguro. Birthday ni Tatet. Tito mo. Si Deyang isama mo rin ha?

See you!

Mama,

Hanna miss na miss na kita, next na lang ang milk mo. Nido na. De lata

Kiss & bye-bye Baby

The message gave me a total happiness and excitement. I then decided to go thee although the vehicle was already gone home the time I received the letter. I will ask Rodea if she likes too.

Thus, I went to Ate Grace's store and paid Mama's liability, so as mine (yesterday). It totaled 10 P299.50. Mama would be happy to know it.

Though excited, I could resist myself not to reiterate my dream, which was very vivid. It could be possible. Here, it was:

"I was walking through a wet market when I saw the ex of my wife and the formers' gang. I automatically covered my face to hide. However, Bigit still could see me. All of the sudden, I was embracing a month-old baby of mine. And I was running in a subway. I knew he ran after me together with his gang mates. Not so far away, I was already in a 'kiskisan'. The man working there was not startled to my presence. Then, I had an opportunity to admire the parquet he's doing. I hide myself there and my baby, amazingly, was then, in a stroller, crying not. Next thing happened; I could see Bigit. He tried to act fool, as if he couldn't see me and our hiding place. He finally left but it secures me not. I still hide myself (only myself) in a comfort room. There, his sidekick, I knew him, was there. When he was about to catch me, I blow his face. The call of my name and knocks in the door were heard by me consciously. It was Tito Nonoy."

He disrupted my dream. However, I thanked him. I just did not look at his eyes directly. I'm still angry to him due to what he did to Mama.

In my excitement, I did household chores in a jiffy. I cooked their viands. I also swept in the yards. Then, at 9:30, I told Rodea about it. At first, we thought we had to commute but good thing is the jeep came back. So Diyang/Deyang excitedly asked Nonoy for permission, which he approved.

Then, I jot down a note for Jano:

Nov. 18, 2006

'Tol,

Pinapapunta ako ni Mama sa Sauyo. B-day ni Tito Tatet.

Dala ko nag pala ang budget. Pag-uwi ko bukas, sa Gate 2 na ako mamimili.

May paksiw at pritos dyan.

Bahala na muna kayo.

Poroy,

Good thing is I've finished all the important things to be done before I left the house. I've taken a bath. I've cooked Flor's lunch. I've written a note for Jano. I've prepared my stuffs. If not, Lolo Angel would have been angrier. He actually waited in the highway not knowing I was already in the house. Deyang also looked for me downhill. It was eleven, when we left.

In Sauyo, I kissed Mama to show how much I missed her and to let her realize that I'm so thankful for what she is doing. I knew it's for me, for us!

Lola Alice and Mama verbally noticed my lean body. My mother told me I was thinner. So Lola Alice promised me Ascorbic acid vitamins. I could see her sincerity and care.

Four, Mama and I called Mj and Hanna. Mama missed my daughter so much, but the latter did not speak at least she said, she had talked to Hanna. I also talked to Mj and told her that I will drop by there tomorrow.

Then, I decided to give back the P500 to Mj so that she could have a pre-natal check-up. Mama agreed.

Deyang, though 3-month pregnant, enticed me to drink a bottle of Red Horse beer. So, we did. It makes me a bit tipsy.

After it, I felt sleepiness. It was assumingly due to the Vitamin C, Lola Alice gave me. She wanted me to have a body improvement, since I have told her that I could hardly catch sleep.

Thus, I let myself fall to sleep turning off the TV and minding-never. If I would miss my favourite TV show and not to mention my position and privacy.

 

November 19, 2006

It was four when I got up to help and assist Mama in the kitchen, who starts earlier.

The menus today are fewer than the last time. So, we were not that crammed. The works were easy and quick to do. In fact, it gives anxiety.

The best thing is Lolo Angel sees my efforts. He believes I could be a cook in a ship or seamen's ship. I like it, too!

Today is the most awaited grand fight of Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao and Eric "El terrible" Morales. Good thing is I could watch it. Most of the recent fight of Pacman, I haven't watched.

I have overheard a platitude of Lolo Angel: "Ang di marunong magtanim, sa buhay ay walang kakamtin." He always advocates it to every lzy people. I knew what it means because I idiomatically practice planting. I also literally love to plant. So, it's not me who he pen-pointed. In fact, he appreciated me often.

Deyang and I came to an idea of entering an internet café. Actually, I was just envied by her stories. She asked me why I haven't still tried it even though I love to read and I'm an intellectual person. She, as if, questioning me why she's more adept than me. Thus, I promised her for an hour 'internetting'. She was delighted by it, while I was excited to try for the very first time. In fact, she knew well about it, while I was ignoramus to e-mail, etc.

Pacquiao won by TK at the 3rd round. Everybody was so happy for it. It's a Filipino's pride.

After the fight, Deyang and I left Sauyo. Lola Alice gave me P100 secretly and another P20 which was known to Deyang, who complained secretly.

In Cubao, we have seen snatching scene. It was my first time to notice such crime-widespread crime. The burglar runs-walks as if he's not afraid and he's protected in the area. The woman, who was snatched with a gold neck lace was shocked at first. She tried to shout but it seemed useless. No one dared to help. Haay! What's happening in our world?

We looked for an internet café. We have found one located in a far-off area of Cubao.

Deyang showed me how. I indeed admired her for her learning. She also taught me how to chat. Actually, I have had a chat name or ID, which was naliorf_2006. And my password is margaret.

I enjoyed it. In fact, it interests me a lot. I promised myself to try it, if opportunity comes.

Another coincidence happened was my horoscope given by Yahoo was an idea of writing dreams. It says that tonight I'm going to dream for an angel or the same creature. Thus, I will ready my memory tonight.

Since I felt stomach revolution, I enticed Rodea to go home early. We haven't finished the time we wanted to consume. We only pay P17 instead of P25. Well, it's a favor to me.

Before we part ways, I gave her P35 for her fare-not to mention The P20 I paid in the bus from Sauyo to Cubao. It's actually a debt. She promised me that she would pay Gina. Mam owes P53 to Gina. So, it will be quits. If she would not pay it, it's okay! She needs help, support and understanding now that she's 3-months pregnant. I indeed pity her.

Quarter to six when I arrived at my in-laws’ house. Mj thought I would not arrive, so she was not ready. We left after 10 minutes.

I gave a plastic of menudo to my in-laws. While the 'lechon kawali' and 'estofado' were for us. I was sure we don't have viand.

When we arrived, I could see the garden plants-some were wilted. Flor is indeed a laid-back, negligent. It was not hard to water them, right?

Haay! Mama and I must not leave the house. We are the reason why organization and orderliness were visible in this house. No one really loves what we were doing.

Mj related to me that she got upset to her mother because of unfair love towards the latter's grandchildren. My mother-in-law is overprotecting Akisha and Nicole from Hanna's bites. Hanna seems a bully. She impliedly hates my daughter. Thus, I told Mj that she must not worry. Here' Hanna will always be loved and cared for especially by Mama, who prioritizes her.

Mama is indeed a loving person. She loves fairly. Though sometimes, she prioritizes me, Hanna or our needs, I knew, she only wants the best for every one of us. She deserves to be loved back, too. Thus, I will always pray to God for her health, wealth, happiness, and everything good and pleases her. She must live longer. We need her in our lives.

 

November 20, 2006

I got up at seven, joyfully. I immediately turned on the FM radio and listened to my favorite radio tandem's program. It increased the happiness level in my heart.

Then, I watered the wilted plats. I eventually saw them gain lives. It also gladdened me.

Seeing happy plants makes me happy. Therefore, plants, which are God's creations affect my life. Mama advocates that indeed "Cleanliness and "greenliness" are next to godliness, she always says that she was planting and beautifying the surroundings to glorify the Lord. She believes that God blesses her because of that. That's true!

Ten, I went downhill to know or assure if Rodea has arrived last night. She has.

I met her here. She apologized about her debt to me. She asked me a favor. I, since I wanted to help her, told her it's okay. Though, I joked her, she knew me well. I'm a sincere person.

Thus, I must pay Mama's debt to Gina. It's only P53.

Past eleven, Ate April and his 'mag-ama' came. Dick-Dick and I see each other after a long time. I could still remember our bad pasts. He's the reason why April and I quarreled. However, it was already forgotten. I forgive them. I hope she/they, too.

One PM, Mj, Hanna, and I left Bautista. We went to Holy Chaplet Children and Maternity Clinic in Cabading for Mj's pre-natal check-up. It was the very first time within more than five months pregnancy. Thanks to Tito Jay who sent money. It was supposed to be for Mj's birthday and supposed to be for my job. Since Taiwan promised me, I decided to accompany Mj to the clinic. My in-laws might be happy to know it.

We only pay P100 for the doctor's fee. And I only bought 15 pieces of vitamins for baby's needs and 15 pieces for Mj's iron needs. It costs only P180. They are good for half month.

December 20, 2006 is the date set for Mj's second check-u. At that time, I'm sure I'm working already. I'm confident enough to ensure Mj's pregnancy safe and healthy.

I weighted Hanna there. She's now 20 lbs. I also measured her height. She's 2'4'' or 28 inches. I remembered April's observation to Hanna's height. According to her, Hanna is tall. I hope so.

Seven, Dea came in. I knew why she's here. I immediately gave P50 to her. I hoped it would be free Mama in indebtedness to Gina.

Past eight, I felt sleepiness. Since, I knew it was good effect of Revicon multivitamins I took in, I let myself fall asleep, although TV shows were worth watching for. I'd rather sleep than to watch TV. Sleep is an expensive activity or basic need.

 

November 21, 2006

Five-thirty, I was awakened by Jano's motorcycle's broom. He's about to leave. It also happened that Mama arrived. They see each other.

We were all excited to see her. Mama is also glad to see Hanna Margaret. Good thing she was permitted by Lola Alice to come here since the latter postponed her plan of coming here.

Past 7, I bought LPG in Veterans. It's Mama's money. She actually pitied me, so she wanted me to buy gas.

In Norman store, the owner himself tried to touch my schlong. He actually asked it is long. He is naughty. We're strangers yet to each other. Worst thing is he first touched my chest, which I do not want to be touched nor kissed nor sucked even by my partner, Mj.

However, he reminds me of Norman Guyala, my college friend and schoolmate. It reminds me also of our special friendship.

Mama was delighted to see the garden. According to her, it was more beautiful than before, when she was here. She also appreciated my Christmas decors.

My backache pestered me again after buying M-Gas. It's so terrible. It affects my desire of doing something productive. However, at 4, I made a ball out of 'baging.'

Mama left or fetched by Lolo Angel at 2PM. She has had no time to talk to us more time. She spent time in sleeping and resting. It's okay. At least, she catches few times of rest.

Rodea. Rodea. Before I forgot. Six AM. This date, she told me that she chose me to be a godfather of her upcoming child. I agreed proudly. At least, she recognizes me as a good person. I surmise, it is not a financial ability of mine that matters to her, but it's the relationship we have, or we have had as cousins. For sure, she has learned a lot from me and from my advises, opinions, experiences, stories, principles, and suggestions. Somehow, I have been affected her mind. Somehow, I have done better to her. Thus, there's no reason to decline from her invitation though it would be a long time before its realization. At least, she's now thinking of a decent Christening for her child. At least, her thinking is normal. Despite of what happened to her life, she still thinks morally.

I just hope, she perseveres in everything she will do. Now that she has a job, I hope she takes it seriously. I will pray for her tonight.

I knew she's smart. She already knew what is good for her and her child.

This afternoon, when Jano arrived, he was gladdened to know that Mama's promise to buy LPG was realized. It is indeed helpful to him since he is working or leaving at the wee time. He doesn't know that it's me why Mama decided to buy LPG. She pitied me. Cooking through timbers is quite tough, she says. It's indeed true!

Jano started disciplining Flor. It's good to know that he wants her to be a good housemate, sister, sister-in-law, and daughter. It's good to know that he knew that MJ and I and Mama are so tired of verbal reprimand. I surrendered month ago.

Again, I sleep early.

 

November 22, 2006

Early to bed, early to rise. That's what I did.

After sipping coffee in and bread-eating, I started the day by sweeping the dried leaves, which 'uglify' the garden.

My dreams...

"Rico Almoguera, my classmate, was looking for our friends. We saw Samuel Grona, Aldrin Bue and many more. But all of them declined to accompany him. I could see his disappointment. Thus, he declared "Why look for company since here you are?!" Then, we happily left the scene. Our arms were at each other's shoulder."

The dream seems realistic. It might happen. Since Rico and I are not that close (yet we're friends) time will come it will happen. I knew he is a good friend. I have proven it on our very first "Batch 1993 of San Francisco Elementary School Alumni Homecoming" taken place on June 9, 2003. Some of our batch mates tell it so.

My second dream is like a nightmare:

"Before the scene I have done wrong. It's just a little mistake. Mama was so furious to me. Papay Benson was not. He, in fact, gives me P5 which was recovered by Mama Leling. She then continues reprimanding me in their house while I was doing households. Ate Jennilyn was there. She has a blank emotion. I could not see if she is angry to me or not. Mama Leling has been verbally cruel. It almost makes me cry. But my tears did not fall. Every time Papay Benson tries to console me with his money, Mama Leling takes it back from me. The former would just laugh. He could do nothing to fight for me."

I could accept it. If it is real, it would be the worst thing I could experience in my entire life.

This dream is a reverse. It only wants to tell me that Mama Leling was remembering me and my nice things I have done for them, when I live with them. Their appreciation lingers still on their hearts. Papay Benson's use of money in spoiling was changed by him willingly. I just don't know what changes occur to ate Jennilyn. I hope it is her strictness, laziness and being laidback.

Since I commissioned myself to make some repair. I've accomplished two different repairs before 10 AM. One of them was Jano's request. Another was my initiative.

Here are some on my entries in my Autosummary, dated today:

VISION: to see 'unfixed' fixed

DESIRE: to make 'baging' balls

NECESSITY: I've taken the last Revicon multivitamins today

HEALTH: so-so

WEALTH: so-so

INSPIRATION: "love what you do. Do what you love."

OBSERVATION: Hanna's starting to talk.

This night, I confirmed to Ate April the where about of Rodea. I thanked God that she's now working. It means, she is now thinking for her baby. I hope she (will) love her work. She's blessed, as she called it, by this opportunity.

Hanna's now so 'makulit.' I could not stop myself from beating her. In her age, hyperactivity is indeed visible. But sometimes it's over. I often hurt her.

Good thing about her is she's starting to talk clearly. I mean, she could now say what she wants to say. For instance, 'didi,' if she likes to drink milk, and 'mamam,' if she wants water. Sometimes, she termed things in other names such as 'baby' for 'poopoo' and 'mimi' for 'weewee' or pee. But most of all, she could now understand what we say, what we command or what we act.

I asked God to guide Rodea in her journey to a new life with her fetus.

 

November 23, 2014

Six, I got up to pee. When I tried to re-catch sleep, it disappoints me. Thus, I rose up totally to start the day.

While Mj and Hanna were still lying down, I took the opportunity to have a breakfast. However, Hanna got up. As a result, I was sweeping the leaves in the garden while attending her. It's okay.

AT 9, Mj washed our clothes. She also washed some Jano's dirty clothes, while I was attending to Hanna. At first, I was doing it happily. Later, when she becomes 'tantrummy,' irritation starts to develop. She's so hard to get to sleep.

I became more upset when I discovered that we already have no rice and became furious when I asked two stores if they had rice and they say, 'no more.' Grr! I wanted to tell then to have a total closure. I thought. We would have no rice on meal today. Good thing I found a store wherein there's rice.

While sautéing 'pechay,’ my irritation was still lingering on. Good thing, appreciation from Mj makes it cools down. I think, she knew that I was irritated, that's why she commended me sincerely. My coking is indeed yummy and smells delicious.

Thus, I remember our days in Boso-Boso. There, I have raised peachy, too. Although they were unhealthy grown, at least they give us viands when we're in the crisis.

Four, Taiwan and his 'mag-ina' unexpectedly and surprisingly arrived. Seeing fast-growing Yoshimi excites and gladdens me. However, it's the good news from Taiwan that excites me more.

Taiwan's endo was last Saturday. Thus, I must undergo an interview tomorrow. It partially scares me. I was so nervous when he said "Malakas ang chance!" It means I only have a chance, though it is 'malakas.' However, I was confident enough to be interviewed. I have been interviewed before in ABS-CBN. So, it's not my first time.

Then, he suggested me what to wear, what hairdo, I must have and what questions I must expect.

Chriz arrived at past six. Thus, the house becomes noisy. I mean, he is an addition to it. In fact, they drink Emperador. And, as usual, I did not join them. I hate brandy. I only love to drink beer.

Nine, I remember my shoes. I must prepare it. So, when I did, I found out that it's almost wrecked. It was borrowed by Taiwan after Hanna's first birthday and when he returned it, I did not have time to inspect. Now, it's still unclear. Shabby! The soles were smiling. However, it doesn't disappoint me. I felt no anger to Taiwan. Maybe, it's due to gratitude.

Thus, I wiped it up with damp cloth after I secured the soles with glue sticks. I also washed the shoelaces. Now, it looks brand new!

Despite of Mj's discouragement that I might put me to shame tomorrow, I still went on. I like those shoes very much. I feel more comfortable with that compared to the borrowed ones. Besides, it reminds me of 'First Quadrant', a multi-level marketing Diana Go has introduced me more than two years ago. It's the only thing I have gained from joining that controversial marketing.

"Lord God, thank You for everything. Thank You for the blessing. Tomorrow, I would be interviewed at Aramis Lodge. Please, help me. Don't frustrate me. I need this job. You know how much I craved to win it. Lord Jesus, make me a presentable applicant tomorrow. Pardon me for having no lots of nerves and guts. But You know that I was trying to have confidence. Thank You, Lord. Amen!"

 

November 24, 2006

At six, all of us were wide-awake. Since, I have an interview today, I swept some dried leave s and clutters in the surroundings. I don't want to see them.

Taiwan left at past seven. He too has an interview in Log Inn. He instructed me first that he would text me when it's finished. We would just meet wherever he sets.

At 9, I was preparing for my interview. I was so excited for it. I have a bit of nervousness in my body. But what invaded my entirety was confidence. I knew I could do it. I know I would get it. I'm inspired. Christmas is just around the corner. Shopping bazaars. Carnivals. Christmas foods. They are what I was looking forward to, not to mention the benefits I could provide for my family.

After 5 minutes or preparation, I was almost ready. Fifteen minutes passed, Taiwan texted Jen saying I must leave.

I left immediately after I had applied hair gel. Mj and Hanna strengthened my confidence. "Goodluck!', says Mary Jane.

Taiwan was waiting for me in Masinag. He arrived earlier and waited too long. He already has been in his in-laws' house and got the uniforms-his uniforms in Aramis. He would pass it to me.

At the Aramis Lodge, we waited 5 minutes it's not the person named Stanley who interviewed me. He's the real owner of the establishment. Good thing is he interviews quickly using two or three questions only. He also tells Taiwan that he's kind. Thus, he was promised of a job in January 2007. The interviewer got Taiwan's cell numbers.

When we left, I was asking Taiwan if the job I longed for is really mine. I was afraid it would not.

Till we're home, worry was still on my mind. I expect for an immediate confirmation of schedule. I hoped I was going to start tonight or tomorrow. Good thing Taiwan consoled me. He assures me that the job is indeed mine.

Mj was also worried. She expects the same.

"Praise, You Lord. Exalt Your name on high. Thank You for the blessings. Thanks for the help, for the guidance, for the security. Thank You for You gave me hope. I knew the job is mine. Just give me sign that I don't have to worry. Also, pardon me. Amen!"

 

November 25, 2006

Seven when I got up. I immediately swept dried leaves outside. I knew what to do beforehand.

Since Jano arrived late at 12:30 AM, it was 9 AM when he handed me down the budget so as the P200 for Dina Go. I went to Veterans in a jiffy.

There, I was sad. Mj wants to go home because of Taiwan and his mag-ina's presences. She hates the feel of crowd. So, do I.

When I arrived, she's indecisive whether to leave or not. I want them to leave but it saddens me. It would give me a mere reason to worry, since she said she's not sure if my in-laws have money for Hanna Margaret.

Another reason why I was sad was the call I was expecting from Aramis. I badly needed a job. I couldn't wait to provide all our wants, desires and necessities. I would love to buy Mj's and Hanna's demands.

At 11, after I have cooked our viand, I reprimanded Flor for her negligence to tend her 'sinampay.' In front of my brother, Jenny, and Mj, she received my bitter tongue. I told her that we made mistake in raising her. I was so furious to her. From day to day, she's not doing well. Thus, this day it ends up. I hoped she learns from it. I wish she takes what I've said, "Kahit kalat mo na lang ang iligpit mo!"

She never learned. It's not the first time. Yet, she is still practicing it repeatedly. Mama (has) surrendered from her already. Mj gave up helping and understanding her. Jano temporarily held her educational support. And I? I almost condemn her. I knew it's bad. However, she deserves damnation. I did my best to understand her, but she never helped herself. Thus, I'm sorry for her. I would be her eternal adversity--- not unless she changes for good.

 

November 26, 2006

Last night, I prayed to God. I asked Him for an expedite call from Aramis, for I was so excited, determined, inspired and interested to work. I set a time limit for waiting. If Aramis Lodge did not call till Monday night, I will never ever hope. I then asked forgiveness for I worry and have been afraid.

Since I was problematic, my usual habits were undone. Even my writing was affected.

Here are the entries in my Auto-Summary dated today:

MISSION: to wait for Aramis' call

VISION: To see myself preparing for the job

WANTS: Job! Job!

DESIRE: To start working

NECESSITY: Our necessities would be provided if I would have a job

HEALTH: When I woke up, backache was what I felt

WEALTH: Mj's money was already spent. Thus, we're both problematic

DREAM: I had so many dreams but none of them were remembered

THOUGHT: Worrying

MEMORY: I didn't have time to reverie

MOOD: Sad. Frustrated

LOVE: My loved ones' needs and demands need to be provided as soon as possible

HATE: I hate' hoping' and 'waiting'

FEAR: Fear of being jobless forever

SECURITY: I knew God is helping me. He would not starve Hanna.

ANGER: Got angry due to Hanna's naughtiness and hard-headedness.

ACTIVITIES: As usual

ATTAINMENT: Attained nothing except for the chores

INSPIRATION: Rosita's real-life story, featured in Rated K. Rosita Bareng is one of the 'academates' of PDA.

OBSERVATION: Mj is adversely affected to what I was going through

APPRECIATION: My Christmas decors received commendations from Helena at 8 PM

EXPECTATION: expected a call from Aramis but I was just disappointed by it.

VIOLATION: Beating Hanna

QUESTION: What happened to Aramis?

RECOGNITION: Everybody recognizes Hanna's 'pasa', which was my fault

SECRET: The pain I felt due to joblessness

PROBLEM: Mj and I were problematic today due to my bad luck in job

HOPE: I'm still hopeful

ADVERSITY: Annoyance occurred often today

BELIEF: God is omniscient. He has a reason why His putting things like this.

IDEA: Since my chance in Aramis is 50-50, I planned to apply in call center this Dec.2

EXPERIENCE: Waiting to be called by an employer is not my first bad experience

DIVERSITY: None

LEARNING: I've learned nothing. It's due to my problem.

I want to clarify some of my entries:

ANGER. My anger was triggered by frustration. Since I was anticipating from the time I got up, upset mood was the effect of disappointment. And, poor little Hanna has been the 'catcher' of all of my anger every time she cries or tantrum, I beat her. It was condemned by Mj. I was sorry later on.

INSPIRATION. Rosita Bareng is my inspiration today. She's an exact and best example of 'fighting spirit' or bravery or determination. She fought against the life's challenges and cruelty. I wanted to apply her principle. I hope I could.

OBSERVATION. Mj is sad too, like me. She was disappointed today due to 'newslessness' on my possible career. She supported me yet her support vanished just like that. Besides, she's worried.

QUESTION. Taiwan and I agreed that the interview between me and the owner was void. The interviewer seems so uninterested in hiring. He only asked few questions and that's it.

IDEA. On December 2, 2006, there will be an "on-the-spot hiring' for call center agents in Commonwealth Elementary School. I decided to join. I think, I gonna make it!

EXPERIENCE. Another bad experience in waiting was when I anticipated for the result of my job application as scriptwriter in ABS-CBN. It was taken place 3 years ago. The level of pain is the same. I knew I could go through it. God is great. For sure He won't let me down.

"Lord God, I'm thanking you again for everything You gave us. Thank You. Thank You You're so great. Despite of these pains, frustrations, problems and miseries, You still give us hope. You strengthen our faith. Thank You, Lord! Praise Your Holy name. Continue bless us without ceases. Lord Jesus, please. Lord..I want that job. I badly need that job. I have good intention, oh, God. Please, don't make it hard for me and for Mj. Please, God! Pardon me. I have sinned. Forgive us all. Amen!"

 

November 27, 2006

When I got up, I started doing household chores, while my house mates were still sleeping.

While washing the dishes, I cooked rice. I wanted a healthy breakfast today. So, we did. Fried-egg-rice-noodles-and-coffee. I was tired by my dream at 3AM, hence I deserve this.

My dream:

"In Polot, specifically at Tyo Boy's yard, we (Mj, Hanna and I) are startled by a huge goat. The furious animal was about to attack us. All I could remember was I get stick and tried to shoo it away. But it pursues. While doing so, I told Mj, who is pregnant, to jump over the fence which was composed of bamboo sticks and other timbers. Mj, all of a sudden, was stuck up in the fence. Thus, I saved her hurriedly before the goat attacks her. I was then holding Hanna.

Before that horrible scene, we were canvassing for a quality and well-known dictionary.

That dream seems realistic, though the goat has a strange size and height. But the location and the time were both real.

Since today is Monday, I started to wait (again) for the call from Aramis Lodge. I reckon this day is the best day to begin the contract of employment. However, noontime comes without even a single cue from them. Cell phone ring has been stingy.

Mj has been anxious, too. I could see it in her eyes. If she only knew. What she feels is just one-third of what I feel. If she only knew how much I have been disappointed by waiting, since Saturday.

Quarter to three, Taiwan and his 'mag-ina' left. I have told him that I'm still hoping. Then, he assured me. If Aramis calls, he will personally come here again to tell me.

Without asking, he wanted me to give P100. Unfortunately, he has no P100 bill. Besides, his P500 would be hard to denominate. So, I blamed myself of not doing any endeavor. But it's okay. I'm sure he will be back soon to notify me. That is more important than his P100.

When Jano arrived at past six, he immediately related to me that he called Mama. He asked money from her for our unpaid electricity bills which amounted to P2,100+. According to her, Mama has no money. In fact, she's going home this Dec. 2.

I knew why Mama is incapable to help Jano. It's because she already was paid, and she had given it all to me or for Hanna's milk. The only money she gave to Jano was the amount used in buying LPG. However, it does not give me guilt. It disappoints me, as well, not because we might be repossessed by Meralco or our meter might be repossessed by them, but because she might not send money for Hanna's milk tomorrow, which she promised a week ago.

Mj and I were both sad hearing Jano's tidings. Mj was worrying. She knew exactly what it would bring to us. We hoed for Mama's 'padala'. And that's the only hope we have. Hanna's milk is good only for tonight. Tomorrow morning, I must buy early. But the real score is "Where can I get the money?" The budget is now only P160+.

Haay!

My partner did not want to go home because it is a shame. My in-laws knew that I was already working. Besides, I did not want my 'mag-ina' to stay there. It's my responsibility, not theirs. So, if possible, I want my 'mag-ina' to stay and live here with me and my family.

Since Mama would stop working at Lola Alice' house this Dec.2, my plan of applying as call center agent in Commonwealth would coincide to each other. I don't know if Mama could help me financially. She would surely give Jano, who needs money for our electric bill. However, I'm still determined and interested to apply. This is a rare chance. On-the-spot hiring is quite inexpensive. I must take it. Besides, I have an intuition that God wants me to be a call center agent. He gave me confidence and high self-esteem. I knew I could make it, not because I'm self-studying but because I'm willing. I'm willing to undergo hardship of a so-called graveyard shifting, in the name of responsibility and gratitude and self-actualization.

"Lord God, I'm asking You again. Give me that job. Please, don't disappoint me. I need it. I need to provide my family's needs and wants. I want to help Jano, Mama and other needy, such as Rodea. Please, God... Please. Give it to me before December. I don't want to lose hope. Please... Oh, God, give me a sign if you will not give it to me or if you want it to delay. Whatever job will be, as long as, I could provide our needs. I hate being financially disabled. I hate to see my family who needs help. I would be glad if I could help them. Lord, thank You. Thank You for the understanding, for the continuous pardon. Again, I'm sorry for I violated You. I also want to ask pardon for my loved ones. We don't know what we're doing. Amen!"

 

November 28, 2006

Six-thirty, I was remembering my dream.

"Mama Leling was directing me to spy Kuya Japi who was committing adultery to his wife, Aileen. Evry time I was telling what I saw or discovered about him and his mistress, Mama Leling got furious to her son. Bad thing is Papay Benson got upset to me. Every time he knew that his son is in the house of the latter's mistress, it gladdens him. He's supporting his son's wrongdoing."

Then, I got up. I must wait for Mama's 'padala'. Thus, while waiting I swept the dried leaves in the garden. Past seven when I have done it. Unfortunately, no one arrives. It's a disappointing truth.

Good thing, I could see not Lolo Angel's jeep. Therefore, there is still a chance. Si, I hoped again ad waited.

Mj decided to go home, already before my in-laws arrived at 8 Am. Thus, P30 for their fare would be saved.

I was so ashamed of what bad fate I was going through. Hanna's needs would be provided again by my in-laws. It was such a shameful state of my life.

Then, when I saw the jeep of Lolo Angel, it did not stop over. It means Mama has no 'padala'. Disappointment strikes again. Thus, I thanked God for Mj has decided to leave. Although I feel shame of doing so, I would rather prefer because that's the only way Hanna's needs could be provided.

I always have been thankful to my in-laws who are very understanding. Despite of my lacking, they never condemned me. For them, I am still a good father to Hanna Margaret.

At 2 PM, my in-laws fetched my 'mag-ina'.

I'm sure, I'm gonna miss them (not this time but when solitude comes).

At 5, I went to Veterans. There, I did marketing. I owed P30 worth of wet merchandise to Ate Lanie while I paid the other items.

When I arrived home, Flor was washing the dishes, while cooking rice. It shocked me. I never expect she would do that. I surmise, she thought I left the house to 'bayan'.

Jano came in minutes ago. He wasn't that inquisitive about my mag-ina's reason of leaving. If he did, I would tell him the truth -that Hanna has no milk already.

These are my entries to Autosummary. I excluded some of them:

MISSION: To think of a best way on how to handle the situation

VISION: To secure my mag-ina's welfare

DESIRE: Eager to stop Mj from leaving home today

WANTS: I wanted to tell MJ that they must stay but I can't

NECESSITY: Hanna's milk and diapers

HEALTH: I'm okay. My mental health is fine, too, despite of the problems.

WEALTH: "I'm just a poor person but I'm rich in dreams and aspirations."

MOOD: Despite of the problems, I could still smile and laugh.

ACTIVITIES: Waiting. Hoping. Thinking. Planning.

INSPIRATION: Manny Villar's success story

OBSERVATION: The more stressful (stressed) I am, the more dandruff I have got.

VIOLATION: Letting my mag-ina left is a form of violating my in-laws.

SECRET: Shame I felt when my mag-ina was fetched by my in-laws

PROBLEM: My problem? Joblessness. Pennilessness.

IDEA: Mj's idea of going home was clever since I couldn't provide Hanna's milk.

EXPERIENCE: Owing merchandise from Ate Lanie's store in Veterans is not new, but it's such a shame to me.

 

November 29, 2006

My sleep was disturbed by several factors: itchiness, stress and warmness. However, I have had dreams. They're memorable:

"I have just arrived from Manila to Polot. On the way to our house, I was being invited in a 'kaffeeklash.' I just forgot the scene. Then, in our backyard, I saw Hanna, playing with her two cousins specifically Akisha and Nicole. She went down excitedly from a small tree with a barbwire to embrace me. I missed her so much... At night, when we're about to sleep, I overheard noises outside our house. (Our house was made from bamboo, sawali and nipa. The floor was bamboo. And the wall was sawali.) I heard Bodjie cried to death. I thought he was hit. His skull sounded. Then, he couldn't bark. Next thing happened, Mama and I panicked. I told Mama to stay away from the wall, because I knew they were my enemies, who were ready to kill us. Mama instead laid her chest on the floor. I wanted to resist it but wing and Bolodoy showed up. They're trying to enter and unlock the padlocked door through their axe and iron bar. Mama and I were both scared. Hanna was still on the verge of sleep. I wanted to tell Mama to protect my daughter, but I haven't. Instead, I fought back. Then, I woke up."

It was terrible! I considered it a nightmare.

Then, I also remembered another scene or dream. That was connected to the prior dream.

"I have received a mail. It enclosed a magazine where I have read a letter from Aramis Lodge, saying that I must start working on February 3, 2006. It partially gladdens me."

Last night, I had a hard time catching sleep. I think it was two AM when I fell asleep. Then, dreams obstruct my sleep. And, at seven when I wanted to sleep again, Ate April came in. Though she did not call out, I voluntarily got up to entertain her.

Thus, while she was waiting for the water supply truck, we conversed till nine. We have talked about several topics such as Rodea's foolishness in the name of love: Rodea' fiancé’s boastfulness and laziness: business aspirations and employment. I have learned from her that she, too, loves to or wants to have a 'sari-sari- store. I told her then my aspirations. My preference is putting up a business than employing to a company because I'm afraid of taking a medical check-up.

Then, I realized, I have totally forgiven her and what she has done to me years ago. I found myself confiding again and conversing without 'plasticity', as usual. Now, I could say that we might be best of friends again. I just hope she feels the same way.

At 10:30 AM, I have made an art piece. It's made from 'baging'. It is a multi-purpose artwork. It could be a 'patungan ng mga kaldero' kawali' and it would be an adornment because it looks like a house. For sure, it will gain appreciations from appreciative people who has an eye for aesthetics and arts.

Past 12, I saw Rodea. Her arrival was unexpected. Thus, I called her. She replied, 'Wala pa akong pambayad sa 'yo." Actually, I was not asking for payment. I was just startled by her presence. Thus, when Flor Rhina arrived home, I took the opportunity to go downhill (at their house). I want to talk to her. Her life is interesting for me.

There, I have told her about Flor's act of pushing Untang to Christian. She partially was shocked.

Then, we went uphill.

Here, we conversed. I enjoyed her presence, frankly. I don't know why. But the truth was I pity her. I want to be a role model to her, or I want to affect her life. Despite of what had happened to us years ago, she's still my closest cousin.

Minutes ago, Dick-Dick and his 'mag-ina' were called out by Rodea. They were going to Banawe. I've learned that Dick, who has been the reason of April-and-I' clash before loves plants. He asked me potted yellow tops. Thus, I gave him. I've also learned that the yellow tops, April asked me yesterday was indeed given to him. It gladdens me. It's nice to know that I'm not the only man who loves garden plants or gardening. He has also an eye for aesthetics.

Rodea enticed him to buy soft drinks. Then without hesitation, he gives P50 for Dea's request and enticement.

He's not just a plant 'appreciative', he's also an 'uto-uto.' He was just told by Dea that I praised him. I told Rodea beforehand that April is lucky to have her husband.

It's a queer truth. But it's true.

I then realized that I have forgiven April, Dick-Dick, and Helena totally. I want to bring back pour usual frank and sincere relationships. I hate 'plasticity’ because it is immaturity.

Then, Rodea and I continued talking. We had a nice conversation. We laugh most of the moments. After listening to her problems, grievances, and resolutions, I opened up mine. Then, I have made her laugh unintentionally when I unleashed my secret--- one of my secrets.

I related her how I became strong in problems.

"In my high school days, I have been so "cryingful" (lakrimoso). When I was in second year, I cried in front of my classmates when my adviser asked me why I was absent for consecutive days. I was crying while telling the reason. The reason? It's because of Papa, who had been an irresponsible father. Every time we or I go home at lunch break or 12 noon, there was no cooked rice and viand at all. Thus, we must do it by ourselves within one hour break considering the distance we were walking through our school which is located uphill. He's always drunk."

My adviser pitied me. She offered me to be adopted by her. Since she and her husband are childless, I would be glad to, but I would not because of Flor Rhina, who that time needs me and my care and attention.

It was an embarrassing moment, indeed. I kept it secret for a long time. I never told it even to Mama. Only Rodea knew it. Now, she knew. She giggled.

At least, I made her laugh.

Then on my third year here in Paenaan, I cried again due to 'self-pity.'

Lunch break. My classmate, Earth and I were only the ones in the classroom. She's eating. I wasn't. Then, my adviser approaches me what I was not having my lunch. Again, while reasoning out, my tears were falling. I just reasoned out that Mama was in Bicol, and we have no money anymore. Next thing happened my lunch paid by her was served to me.

Rodea giggled more soundly.

Though she laughed at my experiences I knew it would be a new learning to her. At least I have told her that they were my inspirations why I am now strong to every problem. I also pointed out to her that those embarrassments helped me to be 'easy-go-lucky' and 'gimmickier' on my college days.

I indeed love college days! That's what the time I freed to misery and loneliness. I have learned that time, that world is offering happiness and merriments. I have meet friends, won 'barkadas' and gained experiences. Collegiate years were unforgettably happier than my elementary or high school years. If God would permit me to go back to my past I would choose to return the years 1999 to 2004. They're the years when I discovered the happy side of my life. It's awesome! I love it!

Then at 7, while Dea and I were talking, her furious fiance' came in. I pushed her to talk with him. But before she got far, she assured me that she'd never be fooled again by him. I wish.

I feel guilty. I think it's my fault. I wish I never told it to her. They would have been like that. They're shouting at each other.

Since I have been sleepless last night, I feel sleepy at 9. Thus, I turned off the TV set and slept.

 

November 30, 2006

I did not know what happened to my memory. I was recalling my dreams very closely but none of them were remembered as exact as the certainty. However, I have seen Kuya Tantan there and my high school batch mates.

Eight, I started my mission for the day. I swept the yards. I watered and reorganized the plants. Presto! While doing those, I have watched my favorite business show on TV. And before ten AM, I have washed the dishes and tend the clothes.

Today is Bonifacio Day! I remember my fourth year in Antipolo national High School when I monologue, imitating Andres Bonifacio and other characters in a monologue contest held during "Linggo ng Wika." In fact, I won the second spot.

Past ten, while thinking for the best expressions to be included in my letter for Rodea, which would be e-mailed to her on an opportune time, I have made a poem— “For You and Me."

Eleven, I jotted down every sincere thought on my mind. I planned to write a letter for Rodea which I would send to her through e-mail, but I decided to include it in my literary collections. Thus, I entitled it "An E-mail for My Cousin."

Rodea came in unexpectedly. I thought she was already in her employer's house. We talked again while she's taking a hot coffee. I inquired about what happened to her and Christian last night. She proudly replied "Tinapos ko na." I haven't told her how happy I was to her decision. But I knew she knew exactly what I felt. She showed me her baggy eyes and told me she hasn't had a good night sleep because of her decision. However, she's been a superwoman. Now, she is a certified 'Christianless.' I admired her for that. I never thought she could do that.

We also talked about computer, e-mail, and internet. I have shown her the titles of my works, which are to be sent to her through e-mail on the soonest time. She's so excited to read them. But I don't permit her. Besides, I would love to try how to send e-mails. I've always dreamt to do so. Now, I must practice it since I promised it to Rodea.

If there's a will, there's a way!

Super typhoon "Reming" was on the Philippine Area of Responsibility. In fact, Bicol Region was the very first region that was greatly affected. In Sorsogon, Signal #4 was raised. Pitiful. Here in Rizal, signal #2 was raised. Good thing is I couldn't feel it now. As of 5PM, there was no rain. Yet, the wind started to blow. In fact, it's cold. I was shivering.

I rain to come so that our wilted plants would be watered. I pity them for they're dying. I couldn't afford to water them. Water here in Antipolo is so expensive. Thus, if it rains, I could fill the containers, drums and the tank.

Jano and Gie arrived at 8. They have so many 'pasalubong'. Andok's. Junk foods. Few groceries. Hotdogs. Etc. but the most important of all was the 20 kilos of rice from Jano's company.